Did walk-up evangelism yesterday. Traumatized and shocked by the fact that some people thoroughly shun and hate religion. Always thought that people just don't know. How else can you truly know and not be humbled and amazed?

Felt very distraught and upset. A few moments, I was just tearing up. At that point I didn't get why it upset me so much. Yingjie said it was cause I am finally exposed to the world around me. That people are actually utilitarianistic and if they see no benefit to them they don't want you to waste their time. Maybe that's what upset me so much that they don't see what a great thing it is to know the Lord, to be accepted unconditionally.

And met Esther today and told her about my Walkup E experience and she related it to what we learnt in BS the previous sem. That like even the bible said that there will be those who refuse to acknowledge, those who would reject God no matter how aimless they are. And I guess it was head knowledge then. Now I finally realize that people in real life do reject Him even if they are informed. And it just saddens me so much cause I feel so scared for them. What if they don't get saved? What if they just refuse to listen with an open mind and they miss the call to be saved? It's just so scary. Always thought that everyone just has to be ministered to and one day they'll have the faith to take that step and believe, so they will join us in tasting the sweetness of God. But to see someone who is afraid of religion this way, I don't know. It just made me so, so sad.

My friend was like laughing at me saying I finally grew up and see the world for what it is. But I hate it, I don't want to. Don't wna give up on them. Don't wna just accept that fact.

That day was talking to another friend. And he was saying how he finds it important to cut off friends who are constantly pulling us down and discouraging us. He likened it to trash. While it was understandable how it is very painful to always be put down, one thing that bugs me is how we can't just let them go. We still need to reach out to them so they can know about God's love. Right?

I don't know. Are they too realistic or am I just too idealistic. But yet at the same time, is it wrong to be idealistic? After all we know that our God is all-powerful and He can do all things. Shouldn't we trust in His ability and keep doing good to everyone around us, no matter how they treat us?

It's so painful sometimes to realize how on the edge all of us are to falling prey to Satan. How disillusioned we can become and I think after Walkup E I was just so afraid for all of my friends that I gave out like the WANTED cards to my friends. Aikido, BGS, SMUX, MC friends.

I just pray so hard that God, you stir up within them the yearning to know what life is all about, whether there could be more to just grades and pursuit of money. Please put questions in their hearts about what Christianity could be. I pray you raise up godly Christians in their life to follow up with them. I pray that you clear my schedule and give my wisdom and understanding to finish my homework quickly so that I may give the rest of my time to your work. No wait, I pray for your mindset. I pray that I may have the courage to do your work first before completing my own homework, but you know I have to do my own schoolwork as well or it might reflect on me badly as a Christian. Ah, you know best. So just lead me in your way and in your will.

Going for SMUX trek tomorrow at Pulau Ubin. Pray for great awesome beautiful weather and for the presence of your love over the friendships formed. Please watch over us and protect us.

In Jesus' most precious name,
Amen.

Thank you Father for teaching me your ways. For I know your ways are higher than mine and your thoughts are higher than mine. Some things I cannot comprehend, but you gently show me. I ask for forgiveness too, for the wickedness of our ways. Jesus, our redeemer, cleanse us from our sins. Forgive us for our rejection, our hatred of the light and forgive us for our enjoyment in being sinful. Teach us to hate sin, just as you do. I see now, the extent of damage done to your children today, how the world has robbed us of so much, of all you could have given us. And I'm just stunned. I want to do something.

Father I have the heart for your children, to save the lost, to reach out to the down and out. So while I am weak, use me Lord that I may be strong in You. Do all these through me. Make me strong cause I know I have hope in you for the salvation of these people.

Thank you daddy. And I love you so very much and I thank you for so much. I thank you for being my God.