fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Tuesday, May 17,12:54 AM

It's just so upsetting sometimes.

So I had an absolutely great time at David's stayover and the Rollerblading outing later on. But after that, I kinda crashed. Both physically and emotionally. I just felt so uncomfortable with my life.

I guess I was feeling nostalgic because East Coast Park was the place that held the most memories for me. During my Cedar days when we'd just hang around and play around in the sand. Standing in the water, soaking our feet and just chilling out. We'd be crazy and high and sing songs, doing anything we wanted. Today I let myself go, maybe cause Mervyn was there to high with me and Xintian was there so I was really happy. I went crazy. The three of us were just singing and laughing hahaha and it was so much like the past again. I hadn't felt so happy in such a long time, so carefree. (: I remember we were singing Fearless and we happened to walk past a carpark so I grabbed Xintian's hands and did a crazy jumpy dance while singing 'And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot.' Hahahah. I love being with my friends. It felt really wonderful.

Okay then I think I really crashed and died. Damn tired. Oh yeah I was highing during lunch too. Hahahaha, talking all my nonsense and felt so much like myself again. I don't know how or why I was so much like myself today. It's been so long.

This was when I started feeling sad. Cause I didn't know which friends I could be this high around. And I didn't know what this meant. I was always able to open up to Xintian and enjoy my time with her a lot even though we don't have that much time together and haven't really chatted that much. With Mervyn, it was also alright cause he's really understanding and I just felt like I could be blatantly honest without worrying about being judged. I'm just really thankful for these two.

But I just felt sad. I don't know. I guess I was focussing on the wrong stuff cause now I'm just really happy that I have these two. Hahahaha. Omg I wanted to blog about how sad I was about friendship.

Ah yes but anyway. I don't know if Xintian will stick to me since she really doesn't talk to us much. And roar, I just feel like I have no friends to turn to sometimes. Like there's no one I know that really cares for me. I don't know why I feel like this. I just don't feel the emotional connectedness, the depth of the friendship and I feel really uneasy about my friendships.

Like Zoey said, I don't want to choose the wrong people as my inner circle because it would hurt a lot if they just walked away after all the effort you put in. And yeah, that really hurts. I felt that before. I just don't know who I can trust.

I just want a group of friends who'd rely on each other's support to overcome the challenges of life. I feel very confused. I need to sort out my messy thoughts. And right now I just really need my friends.

Okay actually I don't know what I want. I just need to pray. Maybe a more intimate relationship with God is what I crave.

Dear God, I'm just really unsatisfied with the state of my relationships with others right now. I pray for a group of Christian friends, friends who will come alongside me in life and together we'll face the problems of the world with the power of prayer. I pray that you'll give us hope in the bleakness and superficiality of people. Most of all, I pray that you give me love, make me abounding in love as I struggle to salvage friendships that I once let go of. Oh and also may you reveal to me which friends are here out of a true heart of love and concern, out of a similar yearning for such a support group. Help me to keep persevering and trusting.

And I just want to remember everything you've blessed me with. Which is so much so much. Forgive me for my discontentment ^ Help me to recognize your hand in every step of my life. The favors which you have bestowed upon me. Oh yes. I wanted to list out what I'm thankful for and how they make me smile so much. But gosh, its so late. Tomorrow perhaps!!!

One final thing. Thank you Father for always turning my sorrow into rejoicing. Only You can do that and I recognize Your presence stirring in my spirits. The peace and the calm once again. Hahahahahah. You are amazing.

Trachelizo. The best way to rant/confide in a friend who understands and relates.

Xiexieni!!

Note to self: You are hilarious. And absurdly moodswingey.