Not my will, but Yours be done.
It's really been an awlful struggle trying to figure out what I should do. Reading Boundless articles has been really encouraging. At least I know I'm not the only one facing this. Of course, this kind of comfort is barely a remedy to my situation.
Other than early childhood, I'd like to do Medicine. It's a good field to go into as it is an ever-expanding sector of the economy which demands attention, with an increasingly aged population. I also like to help people and find it very intriguing to see how a single fault in our immunity leads to the development of very much more. The best part would be being able to diagnose and help the patients. It is extremely emotionally rewarding I heard. No doubt it'll be very tiring with the extended years of study and the irregular hours. Ah but could this be my calling? I guess I'll just have to wait and see if God opens any doors to let me in, now that NUS has closed their application window. o_o
I feel so foolish though, for being so extremely focused on my goal of opening a kindergarten that I'd miss all these deadlines. Guess it's always good to have a focus but I was too narrowminded. What if the business fails? What if I decide I don't like to teach? What if the pay isn't enough? It would really be too late to switch out of the course by then. :/
Anyway so I'll remember this dream of mine: to open a kindergarten where we'd advocate scripture-based values in guiding the children's growth and development. To develop a curriculum which would enable the children to grow up socially and academically effective.
I remember I even wanted to open an orphanage overseas. To be a parent to the homeless and abandoned. To share the light and the hope of the Gospel with them. To watch them develop into God-loving people through the manifestation of Love within the orphanage. But of course, realistically, where would I find the time to do that if I was in charge of the kindergarten. And not to mention the funding. Hmm, if ever I feel this strong calling I might venture into missions.
Who knows? Who, but God.
I need to seek Him first, instead of pressing for answers. When I do so, my desires can be aligned to His desires and His will for me, my calling will become obvious.
But I really hope that when I look back on this period currently marked with indecision and frustration, I will also see that because of these very things I was able to turn back to God, to His plans for me. And I will have no regrets for I will trust that God will bring to completion the good work that He started in me, until the day of Jesus Christ. Till then, I pray that my life will shine and will be telling of His presence in me.
I remember when I was young I really wanted to be a lighthouse, to shine out for the lost. For God's aimless sheep. The verse of the day for me was Isaiah 53:6, "We all like sheep have gone astray; each of us has turned to his own way but the Lord has laid on himself the iniquity of us all." But now it feels like I'm the sheep which has gone her own way, using her own knowledge and understanding to make decisions. I realized that my wisdom is not even sufficient for me to comprehend what God may have in mind for me.
Won't you Lord take a look at our hands,
Everything we have, use it for your plans.
Won't you Lord take a look at our hearts,
Mold it, refine it as you set us apart.
Please guide me through.
Open doors, show me Your way.
