fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Sunday, July 1,5:33 PM

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I wonder why friendships just die off and become so cold. Had a really good friend during AdRace. Then now it seems like the tables are turned. I thought you said you were glad to have a friend like me. I still keep your little card in my wallet and smile everytime I read it. I thought you'd be there for me. Being in my position, you would know how that feels right. Why is it so difficult now. Feeling no love sia. Haha. Sadface.

But yet I think of friends who aren't always there but when they do it counts I suppose. It makes everything so much better. (: Kinda.

Still hung about what happened. I miss your smile too y'know, and your jokes. It seems like you're just so tired and burdened right now. What happened? I miss you. Pfft.

Then now I think of friendships that I don't want to keep. And I wonder why it's so hard for me to forgive and to love them instead. :/ Guess that was a tough blow back then. One day I'll find the grace to forgive maybe. Zzz. Actually I should already be able to. But I just don't want to. HAHA, stupid stubborn girl. Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. So much upsetness. I know it'll be okay though but for now, just. So much feelings I don't know how to handle.

This major ohshitwhathaveidone feeling. LOL. And a slight bit of relief as well. Maybe it'll get better from here on.

Sigh, NiteBike. I really wish Eugene was here. I am so not the IC kind of person. Feel like I need to see the big picture but I really just can't. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to see or what I'm supposed to say to JQ and Krit. And I feel like just zzzzzzzzz. What the shit am I doing.

Oh God. ): Help me, what am I doing and what have I done. Give me wisdom to know what to do next and yes I am very tired. But I just can't let it go now. Love my GLs love my org comm. But I don't know what I'm doing, not sure if its right or wrong.

i hate thinking that I'm doing alright, then suddenly JQ just drops a bomb and like, GG. What happened. I didn't even know something was going wrong. ):

Feel so small and insignificant sometimes. I get it, really. Just my esteem going down and thinking I'm really not good enough to be an OIC. Sure I can hype everyone up and make sure we all have fun. But many times I just miss the big picture and my advisors are really the ones that end up worrying.

I miss you friend. The one who would totally understand what I'm going through cause you yourself went through it. Was it like this too? Was it this tough? You were so strong, seems like I had only shared part of your load back then. But I miss you so much.

I kinda feel better now though. A few tears really helps. Love the library too. Sitting at my favourite CF corner where there's no one and it overlooks the bras basah rd so yeah. (: It's so quiet now, shall come here more often during the summer. Just to be by myself and have some quiet.

God, I really miss you. Why is it that I can't see you or feel you anymore, I'm so scared. I feel like I'm not doing things right and I'm really trying. But it's so tough. Really shaking from fear. I don't know where I am right now. I'm not sure where I'm going or what to do. Feel like I'm messing things up. Friendships, family time, leadership. Won't you reveal yourself soon? Just so terrified.

But right now here, I know what I'll do. Year 2 will be about you God. Year 1 was just too much of distractions and SMUX and being all crazy and energetic. But God, Year 2 onwards. I want more of you. Really. No more distractions. This is it. I need to stop somewhere and it will stop after NiteBike.

I commit my second year into your hands and I trust that you will be there with me, even though I can't seem to find you. I know you are just testing me, to build my faith and let me trust you more. Trial produces strength. I believe that.