fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Saturday, June 30,8:07 PM

okay so now what. read an article that turned up in my inbox today from boundless: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002565.cfm

How apt. Just when I was wondering how to react.

Had NiteBike recce again yesterday with a larger group of GLs. I don't know. Got visited and my wave were allowed to get McFlurry. Special delivery. Oh well, I suppose it was supposed to be for me only. But I couldn't possibly get an icecream while the rest look on right? Sigh, but it just makes it more obvious. Which I don't know, isn't a good thing. I don't know how to feel about it. This is terrible. I've been doing things wrong. If there wasn't anything, I'd have nothing to worry about right. But now there is and I'm afraid I don't know how to bring it back, reverse time to when it was just idk, friendly? I don't even know when it started getting more than that. I really don't remember at all. Maybe it was the car rides back home together or something. SIGH. Was so amazed that we actually kept contact over the entire period I was in Indo. So I don't know now. Shucks, might have been too much investment from the other side even though I'm sure there was quite a lot of emotional investment on my part as well. Like now. Zzzzz. Involuntary I swear.

I keep having to remind myself to hold back and not be too close to him all the time. Not to draw too much attention to us. But ahhhh, people are noticing. I am scared. The teasing ain't gna help. Really. It's really my fault. I knew I couldn't invest in this and now we're both in it.

And this article just speaks to me:

Feeling romantically inclined toward someone, but not mentioning it because you know doing so would be premature and unwise, is one of the most loving and difficult things you will ever be asked to do. It is difficult to feel so strongly and not talk about it with the one you’re infatuated with. And it is so delicious to hear that the feelings are returned. But giving free rein to such emotion and conversation is the opposite of love; it is selfish. It threatens that person’s emotional and spiritual health. It shows a lack of concern, a lack of care, a total lack of the willingness to sacrifice on which true love is based.

How am I supposed to do it. I have no clue, sigh.

And the article just closes with this:

It comes down to this, friends: If you don’t value God’s approval above your friends’, you’ll never be able to truly love them. Faith isn’t just about what happens when we die; it changes the way we live, the way we fall in love and even the way we date.

So final, so conclusive. Leaving me with only one thing to do. Pray for strength, discipline, more love and forgiveness. ):