my mum says i'm crazy. i fear this thought is actually going in. just stoned there dazed, wondering if there is anything wrong with me.
it's not about being a hero, right? isn't it about being responsible and taking on challenges? feeling so messed up right now.
everything so messed up.
and right now at five in the morning, who else can be there for me?
God, where are you? I don't understand, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I'm doing either. But all I know is that I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I want to hold on and trust you, but yet at the same time, I don't know what that means and I'm definitely not ready to let go of my responsibilities. What is it that's the most important?
I just, cannot. Sigh, one by one I guess. For now, Goyte is the top one I'm gna finish and get rid of. Too much distractions, cannot take it.
Today devotions told me to focus. If I were to focus, and focus on what God wants, I could do many things. And now here I am, struggling to do so many. I can't take it anymore.
But I can't tell anyone. I just can't bring myself to bother them. I feel like my issues are such a waste of time. Is this a self-esteem issue? Perhaps. Feel like I'm not worth it. Feel like I'm going mad. Feel like no one cares, no one loves me. I need to stop trusting my feelings, cause they're all lying to me.
So much lies being planted into my head.
But still, I feel like such a nuisance, feel like I'm not worth it still. Damned.
Sometimes I just don't understand. How many more tears must fall before you see them amidst the rain and the storm? I don't understand why you are so far away when I'm crying out desperately for you to guide me. To bring me out of this, out of my own head and my own negative thoughts.
Daddy, your daughter needs you. ):