Aw shucks. Sometimes I have too much feelings. Oh how I wish it could stop affecting me so. >:(

So many lies. Not being good enough. Or funny enough. So much self doubt. Why do I feel like I'm left behind.

For the first time I feel scared of the second semester. Sian, even. So many what ifs.

I feel so lost. Was just wandering around the library. Wandered around SMU. Wandered around the mrt station. Gosh. What am I doing? What do I want?

I have no idea. Just this whole feeling of being out of touch with life.

I woke up half way through last night. I was so afraid. Just of being alone. I guess that's my worst fear I guess. No one loving me and having no one to love. There's these temporary moments of fleeting happiness. It comes and it goes. It's there one minute and gone the next.

Life seems like nothing sometimes. Not nothing but, of a certain wispiness? Hahaha it's here then it's gone.

Then there will always come a point when you remember that there's so much more.

Sure, that happiness I feel when I bought everything I wanted during my shopping trip.

Sure, that happiness as I snuggle up with my parents watching tv and making fun of Joshua.

Sure, that happiness when I'm surrounded by friends and they're laughing at my jokes.

It all boils down to this: It doesn't matter. They don't matter.

Found in Your hands,
Fullness of Joy.
Every fear,
Suddenly wiped away.
Here in Your presence.

All of my gains, now fade away.
Every crown no longer on display.
Here in Your presence.

How's my heart doing with God today? How is my walk with Him going?

I must say, not very well.

Every morning I wake without remembering to meditate on what He has to say.

Every meal, every gift, every small thing. I take it without appreciating it for what it is. What God has done that I might be blessed so.

This unhappiness I feel. This sense of being lost and alone in the midst of the crowd. It's true. I am not satisfied with this life. How utterly mediocre.

Living life without Jesus in my heart, without Him in my mind every moment is one more minute less of being joyful. I really want to seek Him more, His peace and His calm assurance in my life.

I KNOW that I am enough. I know I am good. Because Jesus, He made me so. It is only by His power.

Sigh I struggle so much. Cause I keep turning away. I keep getting distracted. I want someone who will pray with me, who will walk with me. Is that possible? I know theoretically I only need God. But He also says I need fellowship. I think I lack this.

Shucks my blister hurts. New shoes. I've been walking too much too far without a proper direction. I've been a wanderer for too long.

I need to go back. Literally. Cause I just ignores my bras basah stop and went on to Nicoll highway station.

Dear Father bring me back to You. Help me dwell in You every day and every night. Let me stand firm and reach out to others. Not walk there and get as lost and as distracted as everyone else.

Be my mrt train. Take me back to when I was joyful. When I was able to see what I had and be grateful for everything.

Sing to me again, that little thankfulness song I sang as a child.

I thank God for this day,
For the sun in the sky,
For my mum and my dad
For my piece of apple pie,
For our home on the ground,
For His love that's all around.
That's why I say thanks everyday!

Because a thankful heart
Is a happy heart.
I'm glad for what I have
That's an easy way to start!
For the love that He shares,
Cause He listens to my prayers.
That's why I say thanks everyday! <3