The strongest irony.

Posted about moving on a while ago, apparently it didn't go through. Some posting error, post got delayed. Oh well, so this post will probably come first.

I don't really know how to describe the past few days.

16th, made someone smile. EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY (omg this feels lame when I do it in a text msg. ): ) [:) srsly... :)]

17th, imma SIGHDUCK.

19th, got sam to morning call me to wake up early. finals!!! (: just to wish. heheh, sometimes it just gets way too obvious. noobcakephone. :P ._. just saying ah, but i got the entire message. ^^ (heheh) aikidoed the lizardman which i was paintball-gunning before in my dreams. (:

20th, msgspmmge.

21st, movie tdkr. heheheh. 'sometimes ah...' heheheh. walkedhome, awkward hug ftw.

22nd, crash and die.

23rd, wakeupcall, made pretty breakfast for parents. started the album I'll do all it takes to convince you;. RIDESAFEPLS, DRIVESAFEPLS. manpowerbrief? justwondering.

5








(LOL)

25th, MBS high. work overload. j8 macs, chiongggggg. walked home. belt loan, LOL. 34. cause text msg got no stalker fnction unlike FB msg. LOL. smiling like idiots at our phones. can reach home anot!!

26th, lift. OMG YOU FEEL LIKE A BEVERAGE?! packlights, mikaela. <3 lasttrained, Bishan? :) uppthom, PIZZAMURTABAK. milospam.

27th, smuxcamp. usports stressssssssssss. pat pat. ): ruffle. byebye.

28th, emoz. on rainy days. fiction. tried to poke again, failed. be a little less stubborn and a little more take care of yourself. a lot less worrying, a little more endearing. YUP YESSIR. (: mission accomplished. (:

29th, sayonara.

._. really, how do you even expect me to even... forget anyone. seriously. it can't just be one-sided. really. and that's where we're messed it i guess. we both believe it can't be. doesn't help that i know i can't. thinking of rebelling. have been running away. skipping all forms of cf and ccc, church, sundaysch.

wanted to use the next 22 days to move on. but hmm, can't bear to. fiction was really lastwarning. on the bus somemore. ): we'll sort it out when you get back. you promised. so be back safe.

Wo de xin hao suan, hao suan. Du zhe na xie ge ci, yan lei bu zhi bu jue luo le xia lai.

Yes okay, very good.

Moving on for real. Starting now, I've got at least 23 days. Very very good.

No more giving in, no more being foolish. It's been too much. I've been straying too far. This is not what I need.

Enough is enough.

I'm done with this.

Dear father, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. Give me the strength and the discipline. I want to find you again. Come back to my side, no one else can touch my heart like you do. Let's keep it that way. Please forgive me. I don't want to turn away or escape anymore. I know it, I'm messing my life up. I can't do this anymore. And I will find you, I will seek you. Let's do this (y).

oh shit. totally not guarding my heart.

remind me again, why are we doing this. gosh, i'm never gna get out of this alive.

it's like some drug. and i don't know how to stop. but we just. oh goodness.

can't be. can't be. can't be. omg i'm so weak. ):

._. just reread my post, sounds wrong. okay nvm. but yes, oh dear. where are we headed to. i'm afraid. no sense of self-control even though we just learnt it in sunday school today.

Then I walked for several miles, couldn't rid me of my smile.

The best feeling in the world is probably falling in love with someone, and making that someone do the same.

I'm falling, I'm falling in love with you.

Oh nuts, such a messed up situation. I need to stop wearing out my sorrys though. You're absolutely right. And if it actually went so far and I had to backpedal, I think it might just happen. And then you'll leave and just be yet another piece of my memory. You'd go because you wouldn't want me to remember. But seriously,

you've already won.

Hmmmm. Last night was interesting to say the least. Seriously. It was well fun. (:

Idk though. Still wishing the unmentioned problem isn't me though. Although I guess it's quite obvious. Like how revealing the problem will affect me and my work, how he'll only tell me the problem after Usports. ._. So strange though. Okay nvm.

Anyway seems like its good. Haven't openly clarified everything but seems like its been pushed to the right direction luh. Friends. Boundaries still yet to be set though... Still somewhat shocked with the sudden hug. O_O made me feel damn sad. Guy friends only give me hugs when they're going off for a long time.

Pls come back safe from Japan!!! Sigh, likka worried only.

Guard my heart though. LOL, always got attached to people super quick.

Even though we both know already lah, at this point. It's "inevitable", and "going to happen". Only can remain as friends, I think he knows.

Shucks not being v fair to my future husband. ._. Haha always giving my heart away so fast, ): sorry!!! Idk how to stop also. Some people just steal it somehow. Really!! I really got try my best!! Aiyo.

Okay but can. (: things are good for now. No one's really actually sad. No actual goodbyes yet. Seems like we're supporting each other through this in a way. Heheheh, srsly though. Need to be careful of rumors already. So many SMU ppl at that cinema that day zzz.

Okay luh, (: happy and satisfied with how things are now. Bffs work too I suppose.

During these times of heartbreak (grief), we are consumed with "Why," while God is consumed with "Do you trust me?" That is the essence of faith and what God longs for in your life.



And yes, you will make it through this. You will get your life back. But don't wish this away too soon; it might be a gift. Let God bring you to that sacred ground where you're able to say with conviction what God longs to hear from your heart, "Not my will, but thy will be done."

not sure what that was.

but ._.??? okay don't think too much. just because i was "obedient" and wished Jin didn't mean anything what. LOL. okay, thinking too much. let's stop it, its stupid.

anyway please please please please please say it was nothing. please say it is nothing. i'd rather it be wishful thinking on my part. plsplsplsplspls.

okay, let's just see how it goes.

omg but so awkward. ._. i want sam to come but i know sam coming will just make it more awkward. GG. ahhhhhhh.

OKAY, ENOUGH. byebyebye. don't know what i'm thinking.

okay im done with this shit.

LOL. so sick of it. seeeeriously. let's just clear up this mess.

the movie i'm watching is messing with my head fml.

(: been feeling pretty happy yet terrified at the same time recently.

have been able to cheer up most, if not all my friends so far. (: seems like i am pretty good at making sad people smile. (: i hope i kept the smile there for a while. just until exams end. just need to pull him through till then (if its even possible).

not sure what i'm doing.

people are shitstirringgggggg. that was seriously... very uncalled for... ): i hope it won't be awkward though. this saturday. still very extremely excited for it. and biking friday morning. ._.

okay but honestly, will need to sort it out and talk it out soon and see how it goes. feel like i'm standing on sand right now though. foundation not very solid. what if i waver and agree to try it out. GG. ahhhhh i want to so badly. ):

both ways i'm like, aiyo what am i doing.

i'm terrified. i don't want this to blow up in our faces. i don't want to hurt anyone. i want to encourage him and make sure even if i leave him and our friendship is gone, he'll be confident enough to move on. he really is very awesome to me, haha. okay nevermind.

feel like a perfect match. but okay nevermind, i know its just like an illusion. we'll just fall apart again like last night.

okay blog, get ready for some serious heartache when i'm trying to get over him. it was great while it lasted. i just hope he leaves happily and bravely. omg okay i don't know what i want.

but yes, still holding on to the hope that you're not as far in as i am. that actually its all wishful thinking on my part.

will need clarification soon. for now though, let's just be silly and foolish. just for this weekend.

i keep smiling at my phone whenever i'm reminded that i made you smile as well. i just want you to keep it there.

So freaking GGfied.

But okay we'll sort it out... Heheheh. Yes we will.

its me its me its me its me.

now i just, really don't know. what am i doing. i really, just dragging myself deeper.

please don't deal with it alone. i know you're used to it but i'm not used to seeing you like this. i knew it was since then. i just wished you'd confront me about it. then i'll tell you everything. and we can see how we can work it out from there. i simply cannot leave you alone right now.

seems like we've just been torturing ourselves eh. not sleeping, not being in the mood for anything. but you have your finals omg. pls study.

cannot sleep. im sorry.

okay i've made up my mind, i'm going to talk to you. yes. i can't leave you like this.

okay bye.

God, omg pls pls pls help me to do your will. you know i simply cannot stand it if i ended it badly.




your smile is overdue, i miss you.

srsly leh. lastwarning. i give up. shall just wait for my bestie to return from overseas and rant. LOL.

whatever lah. be that way. HAHA, omg k. the way i'm dealing with this is just... SIGH. i'll deal with it again. not now.

so much awkwardness, maybe its better off this way. no harm to me, in a way. :P

wah what happened this morning. ._. arguing with my parents so early in the morning ain't such a good idea, top it off with this whole nonsense ignoring thing.

oh well, its okay. (:

it'll get better.

i'm annoyed and frustrated. but okay, whatever. whatever suits you. byebyebye, hope you learn that the most important part of falling is how you pick yourself up. i'm sure you will, you how zai. :D my boss eh. okay, now this is just weird. feel like i'm talking to myself, yet feel like i'm talking to someone else.

hmm, okay something really happened between just now and now. feeling a lot more kan de kai with this whole nonsense. which is good. i think.

okeyzbye. pls stop raining soon so i can have my bbq kthx.

3 minutes more. 3 minutes more and it's time to be strong and move on.

You need to be strong today. And tomorrow. And the days after that.

Just for now though, let it be. But in oh, 2 minutes. Stop it.

This is the way it was supposed to be. Okay maybe not, count it as the consequence of your lack of discipline and learn from this.

Be strong. Be happy. If not either of you won't be able to truly move on.

Remember, loving someone is about counting its cost. Affection is free, but self restraint costs so much more.

And I'll do it.

So be strong.

No more tears from here on.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)

I will trust in You everyday, Father for your compassion never fails; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.

Please Father, please. Help me. Heal the brokenhearted and set the captive free.

Thank you.

My dream from the night before, of the crewies walking past me and ignoring me. Seems to be ringing true.

Just don't know how to live anymore.

Just quit choir FOA too. Can't take it anymore.

I just, don't know. Feel like everything's going so so wrong right now. My mind's just thinking, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I didn't try to stop earlier. And now I'm just so sorry for even talking to you. I hope it didn't remind you of more while you were trying to move on.

I simply cannot. Cannot do this alone. I swear my heart is breaking. Sometimes I just feel like someone's squeezing my heart so bad and everything's just falling apart. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore.

But I'll be okay. I know I will. I can't help worrying though, are you okay?

"When one heart breaks the other shatters." I wonder if Jethro is going through the same thing. Never heard so much truth in his statuses before (LOL). But yeah.

I'll be alright. I know my God will take care of me.

Yet another sleepless night. Sigh.

/fliptable.

):

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

just, arghhhhhhhhh.

talk to me pls, we can sort it out somehow. oh ya but maybe we can't -.-

if i could, then i would. i'll go wherever you will go.

crap much.

you know what, maybe sam's right. this is for the best i guess. i'm not helping matters by being concerned. but omgggggggg, this just feels so so terrible.

something tells me its gna be another sad sad sad again. i just cannot take it anymore. ): third time. third time in less than two weeks. that's just... holyshitwhatshappening.

and quoting you, "just know that you're not alone". but nevermind cause whats the point of saying it if i know i can't be there.

...janice, what have you done. -gasp meme.

maybe its me. i think its me. shucksdamnit. just when i thought you were alright. just when i heaved a sigh of relief. who knows what's gna happen next.

really.

if i could, then i would.

Feel like a Pokemon. Struggle struggle. Don't want to be caught.

Seriously so bad. So so bad. Feel like its aching so bad.

My dream was scary. So upsetting. But yeah that's right. Count it's cost.

If I only knew the words to say
That would make you turn around
I would say the words to you
More than a million times
It's been forever but that hasn't changed
What you mean to me
And darling can't you see?

And I won't forget you
Don't regret you
The hardest thing I've had to do
Is how to live without you


And I wonder why
We both walked away
I'm lost without you
Still crazy for you


Just turn around come back
Because your smile is overdue
And I miss, I miss you.

Like a smoke bomb bosssssssss.

Oh dearrrrrrr.

Had the most awesome catchup in a long time. (;

So exciting. But I know it's time to wait my turn. So now, what's next?

Keep to my resolution and hit my milestone (y)

Like an aeroplane I took flight, fell in love with you that first night. Cause you danced with me and I could see that there was more to life. I'm falling, I'm falling in love with you.

Somewhat happy. I like how things are settling down now. But actually, I'm not very sure either.

Hmmmmm. I'm feeling like I'm in a strange strange mood today. Not sure what I'm doing.

Feel a little off. Feel a little lost as well. Not sure what's expected.

Need to remind myself again and again that these experiences are to shape me, teach me more. Doesn't matter. It's alright to feel inadequate right? After all, we're all definitely not perfect, but we're limited edition. (; Haha, got that from somewhere...

Anyways, I'm moving on with it I suppose. Slowly. And I'll be okay. Right? I hope? Hahahahaha, it never really turned out too well in the past actually. Hmmmmmm, except for that particular one. Maybe you just grow out of it. (:

And I know at the end of it all, I'd have gained something invaluable.

Eugene taught me today, when making a decision you always have to consider whether it'd meet the objective in the first place. Will doing this and that hinder our progress towards the target objective? That's how you factorize the small issues that don't really matter I guess.

So Janice, what's your target objective today? What did you set out to achieve? You left house with no apparent purpose. You live your days with no goal. Did you want to make more friends? Did you want to be part of more projects and more events? Did you want to earn money? What do you want to do with your summer, you confused girl.

You know the importance of goal-setting, you know the importance of plotting small milestones and to celebrate when you achieve them.

So here's your first milestone:
Get getting so uptight and upset about the distraction. Get up, move on and remember that what you're doing will glorify God eventually. The entire concept of holding back and reining in your feelings and emotions out of true love and sacrifice. (: Most of all, through it we learn that God's the most important. The primary. The centre.

Came across this verse. Proverbs 4:23. Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

Time to start doing so. Anyway need to do some work so I'll continue ponder on this later. How on earth to guard your heart while still loving wholeheartedly. (:

I love writing on this blog, it always helps me to sort out my thoughts and my feelings and teach me to turn back to God. (:

;trachelizo

Lalalalala, more distractionssssss.

K but choir was awesome! ^^

I guess that I don't need that though now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I think. Sometimes the only thing to do when you've run out of joy, when you're exhausted and when you feel like you're lost, is to HECK CARE AND GO TO SLEEP. HOHOHO.

God I know tmr will be a better day! (: Thank you father for giving me hope, you are the only one that matters.

I love you daddy! HOHOHO.

You know what. I think God is pretty amazing. (: He always manages to speak to me through his verses.

And it begins NOW.

Sigh bye. ):

A few points:

1) Bringing enjoyment to God, living for his pleasure is the first purpose of your life. When you fully understand this truth, you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant. It proves your worth.

God is really simply too merciful. He is pretty much all that matters. No one else, nothing else can rob me of the pleasure of giving us God pleasure when I trust Him for another day. (: I know I am worth it cause such a big God loves me. (: Such a big God cares for me and treasures me. Who else matters? (: They are all just small fry as compared to the big boss. Heheheh.

2) He wants you to enjoy life, not just endure it.

When the going gets tough, he wants me to trust in Him and know that it will get better. And knowing that it WILL get better, he wants me to enjoy the process now. No need to countdown to when Eugene returns, no need to countdown to when school starts, no need to countdown to when NiteBike ends. (: NOW, NOW is the time to enjoy it. ^^ The only way to enjoy stress is to trust Him for all things. HAHA, does that even make sense. With a firm foundation, nothing will shake you! :D

3) We often forget that God has emotions, too. He feels things very deeply.

HIGHFIVE DAD. Now I know where I get my genes from. HAHA. Sometimes I always wonder why you made me like this. With so much feelings so much emotions that I can't describe but that just overwhelms. But now I know this trait of mine just makes me more like you, and I want it. (: I want to be more like you. But teach me how to control it to glorify you and not seem like a moodswinging crazed stressed monkey. HAHA. Dear Father, I know you feel what I feel. I know you feel how I feel. But it doesn't matter how I feel. Because so much more than that, I know I can trust you to understand me since you yourself feel it too! (:

4) Worship is not a part of your life; it is your life

Whatever you do, do it heartily to the Lord and not to men. I think this is the verse that speaks the most to me. What have I been doing? I've just been trying to please everyone haven't I. Rushing around accomodating everyone and putting in my utmost energy to bring everyone together and bond them together. But what's all of it for. Do it for the Lord, only then will my efforts pay off, only then will it be worthy of all the energy I put in.

5) Work becomes worship when you dedicate it to God and perform it with an awareness of His presence. (:

Amen, help me to do this for the rest of the week. No, wait. The rest of my life. I want to bring worship to you and give you joy and pleasure. (: I want to think of you all the time and abide in your love. No more repeating memories or thinking over words said. No more searching my heart and asking myself what to do. I am going to think of you and saturate my life with you. :D I will fall in love with you Jesus.

Cause it's always been revolving from one person to the next to the next and its never enough. They are all distractions. You are the center. I've been going around moons, when actually I should be going around the sun. No wonder why I couldn't get anywhere. Jesus Christ, be the center of my life. (: Be the sun of my life. The one that gives life, the one that gives warmth, the one that brings joy and peace. (:

God is really good all the time. heheheh.

tomorrow. i promise. by tomorrow i will be back, better and happier.

sorry for running away. i know you two just wna help, but i just don't know whats bothering me right now okay. just, don't touch me. for now.

i don't care. my life can't be about nitebike everyday. i need to stop forcing myself to. i'm such a messed up leader. zzz, nevermind at least i'm trying.

i think i'm gna be alright. i think i'm gna be okay. (:

i realized i'm changing. its so sad but i'm changing. no longer as warm and as caring. no longer as concerned, as forgiving, as loving. what's happening. need to stop hardening my heart.

i realized many things. i realized that honestly some things don't matter. they don't matter in the bigger picture of it all. i'll remember that.

i realized that sometimes i'm just living from distraction to distraction. i need to stop being so hung up over everything.

i realized that i live on adrenaline and not on solid foundations.

i realized i need God.

and so yeah. i will be okay, definitely.

just for now, nobody touch me please.

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I wonder why friendships just die off and become so cold. Had a really good friend during AdRace. Then now it seems like the tables are turned. I thought you said you were glad to have a friend like me. I still keep your little card in my wallet and smile everytime I read it. I thought you'd be there for me. Being in my position, you would know how that feels right. Why is it so difficult now. Feeling no love sia. Haha. Sadface.

But yet I think of friends who aren't always there but when they do it counts I suppose. It makes everything so much better. (: Kinda.

Still hung about what happened. I miss your smile too y'know, and your jokes. It seems like you're just so tired and burdened right now. What happened? I miss you. Pfft.

Then now I think of friendships that I don't want to keep. And I wonder why it's so hard for me to forgive and to love them instead. :/ Guess that was a tough blow back then. One day I'll find the grace to forgive maybe. Zzz. Actually I should already be able to. But I just don't want to. HAHA, stupid stubborn girl. Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. So much upsetness. I know it'll be okay though but for now, just. So much feelings I don't know how to handle.

This major ohshitwhathaveidone feeling. LOL. And a slight bit of relief as well. Maybe it'll get better from here on.

Sigh, NiteBike. I really wish Eugene was here. I am so not the IC kind of person. Feel like I need to see the big picture but I really just can't. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to see or what I'm supposed to say to JQ and Krit. And I feel like just zzzzzzzzz. What the shit am I doing.

Oh God. ): Help me, what am I doing and what have I done. Give me wisdom to know what to do next and yes I am very tired. But I just can't let it go now. Love my GLs love my org comm. But I don't know what I'm doing, not sure if its right or wrong.

i hate thinking that I'm doing alright, then suddenly JQ just drops a bomb and like, GG. What happened. I didn't even know something was going wrong. ):

Feel so small and insignificant sometimes. I get it, really. Just my esteem going down and thinking I'm really not good enough to be an OIC. Sure I can hype everyone up and make sure we all have fun. But many times I just miss the big picture and my advisors are really the ones that end up worrying.

I miss you friend. The one who would totally understand what I'm going through cause you yourself went through it. Was it like this too? Was it this tough? You were so strong, seems like I had only shared part of your load back then. But I miss you so much.

I kinda feel better now though. A few tears really helps. Love the library too. Sitting at my favourite CF corner where there's no one and it overlooks the bras basah rd so yeah. (: It's so quiet now, shall come here more often during the summer. Just to be by myself and have some quiet.

God, I really miss you. Why is it that I can't see you or feel you anymore, I'm so scared. I feel like I'm not doing things right and I'm really trying. But it's so tough. Really shaking from fear. I don't know where I am right now. I'm not sure where I'm going or what to do. Feel like I'm messing things up. Friendships, family time, leadership. Won't you reveal yourself soon? Just so terrified.

But right now here, I know what I'll do. Year 2 will be about you God. Year 1 was just too much of distractions and SMUX and being all crazy and energetic. But God, Year 2 onwards. I want more of you. Really. No more distractions. This is it. I need to stop somewhere and it will stop after NiteBike.

I commit my second year into your hands and I trust that you will be there with me, even though I can't seem to find you. I know you are just testing me, to build my faith and let me trust you more. Trial produces strength. I believe that.

Oops, my bad.

:/