okay so now what. read an article that turned up in my inbox today from boundless: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002565.cfm

How apt. Just when I was wondering how to react.

Had NiteBike recce again yesterday with a larger group of GLs. I don't know. Got visited and my wave were allowed to get McFlurry. Special delivery. Oh well, I suppose it was supposed to be for me only. But I couldn't possibly get an icecream while the rest look on right? Sigh, but it just makes it more obvious. Which I don't know, isn't a good thing. I don't know how to feel about it. This is terrible. I've been doing things wrong. If there wasn't anything, I'd have nothing to worry about right. But now there is and I'm afraid I don't know how to bring it back, reverse time to when it was just idk, friendly? I don't even know when it started getting more than that. I really don't remember at all. Maybe it was the car rides back home together or something. SIGH. Was so amazed that we actually kept contact over the entire period I was in Indo. So I don't know now. Shucks, might have been too much investment from the other side even though I'm sure there was quite a lot of emotional investment on my part as well. Like now. Zzzzz. Involuntary I swear.

I keep having to remind myself to hold back and not be too close to him all the time. Not to draw too much attention to us. But ahhhh, people are noticing. I am scared. The teasing ain't gna help. Really. It's really my fault. I knew I couldn't invest in this and now we're both in it.

And this article just speaks to me:

Feeling romantically inclined toward someone, but not mentioning it because you know doing so would be premature and unwise, is one of the most loving and difficult things you will ever be asked to do. It is difficult to feel so strongly and not talk about it with the one you’re infatuated with. And it is so delicious to hear that the feelings are returned. But giving free rein to such emotion and conversation is the opposite of love; it is selfish. It threatens that person’s emotional and spiritual health. It shows a lack of concern, a lack of care, a total lack of the willingness to sacrifice on which true love is based.
How am I supposed to do it. I have no clue, sigh.

And the article just closes with this:

It comes down to this, friends: If you don’t value God’s approval above your friends’, you’ll never be able to truly love them. Faith isn’t just about what happens when we die; it changes the way we live, the way we fall in love and even the way we date.

So final, so conclusive. Leaving me with only one thing to do. Pray for strength, discipline, more love and forgiveness. ):

Not sure how to feel at the end of this trip. Standing at the baggage drop counter and looking out across the airport. It's just a way of life ain't it. Meeting and saying goodbye.

It's so difficult all the time to say goodbye. When I'm here I try to spend as much time as possible with my Singaporeans. And keep in contact via fb and everything. But when I'm leaving here I suddenly want to stay on here forever. With the interns and doing all the meaningful things that they do.

Came here wanting to do God's work and be touched. But I guess distractions are aplenty and my spirit is so weak.

Feel so hungry. Need to eat more. Not digesting enough of God everyday and not seeking His living water enough.

And I'll always long for more and more of you. God, open the eyes of my heart. Help me to stand firm, hold fast to your promises that I may never feel lacking in any area. I know you are good and you have my workd and the path of my life in your hands. Help me to trust you in everything. Help me to give it up. I know nothing good will come out of it. So help me.

Okay that was terrifying.

SIGH.

Am so screwed. HAHAHA, Poh Hui last warning. Really. I've missed her though. She says she's like me but she sounds so much sadder. (Oops, maybe I should take this a little more seriously.)

Can't stop smiling to myself though. I am doomed. SIGH. What am I doing.

Ohwell, I really should try AWOLing though. :/

Seems like I'm way too attached to my Singaporean life or rather people (knvm).

Tried Cuban food today, my host cooked it for me. Was some Salad with Red and Yellow Peppers, and Tomato and Lettuce drizzled with lotsa Thousand Island and cheese! (: The baked chicken was GREAT. Hahahah, I love trying new stuff. Then we had rice (at the corner of the photo) with Black Beans. Super good too. (:

Hahahaha, this was at the shopping mall that we went for lunch on the first day. HAHAHA, we had so much fun with the revolving doors! :D Walked round and round and round just for a good shot! HAHA, so funny. :D Awesomeness.

Oops. That went too well.

And oops, I'm back on distractions.

ST happiness. GG.

But still. :DDD

cross my heart.

Alright, so this is where it ends right.

Better now than never. I was never one to fool myself anyway. It would've never worked out.

But damned, that sure stung like hell. That line, that word, so final.

I really don't know, but I'm sorry?

Been so confused, been so distracted, been so entangled. Maybe its better to get away.

I still can't believe what I did, and I sure ain't looking forward to the repercussions. Hurts so bad. And I hate myself for it.

I'll never forget it. This did not end well. I am not proud of it. This is not good.

I will do something about it. But for now, let's get a hold on reality and get a hold on life yeah?

He gave the right advice though and I'm going to take it.

Smile and don't sigh.
Enjoy my trip and eat more.
Don't comment on work-related stuff so you don't miss out on what's going ahead for me.


Still hurts so bad.


Such an idiot. Let's see how it goes from here.


Father, I'm sorry.

shit i'm so screwed. i cannot take the i don't want to leave you thing. its just so corny. but yet sweet.

ahhhhhhh, i'm messed up. shucks. this is really too much.

don't know what to feel right now. it's a kind of girlish excitement nonsense.

i'm screwed. i'm screwed. i'm in waaaay too deep.

maybe this one week will do me good.

its driving me insane.

I am happy. It r working. :D

Thank God. Slowly, gradually, I'll be alright. I know I will.

This is good. AND I AM SO DARN FULL. OMG.

I am writing my dumb letter now and I don't know what to write.

I want to be normal again, go back to the Janice who'd know what to do.

The kid right here's gna run off and sing some Gotye and be happy.

my mum says i'm crazy. i fear this thought is actually going in. just stoned there dazed, wondering if there is anything wrong with me.

it's not about being a hero, right? isn't it about being responsible and taking on challenges? feeling so messed up right now.

everything so messed up.

and right now at five in the morning, who else can be there for me?

God, where are you? I don't understand, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I'm doing either. But all I know is that I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I want to hold on and trust you, but yet at the same time, I don't know what that means and I'm definitely not ready to let go of my responsibilities. What is it that's the most important?

I just, cannot. Sigh, one by one I guess. For now, Goyte is the top one I'm gna finish and get rid of. Too much distractions, cannot take it.

Today devotions told me to focus. If I were to focus, and focus on what God wants, I could do many things. And now here I am, struggling to do so many. I can't take it anymore.

But I can't tell anyone. I just can't bring myself to bother them. I feel like my issues are such a waste of time. Is this a self-esteem issue? Perhaps. Feel like I'm not worth it. Feel like I'm going mad. Feel like no one cares, no one loves me. I need to stop trusting my feelings, cause they're all lying to me.

So much lies being planted into my head.

But still, I feel like such a nuisance, feel like I'm not worth it still. Damned.

Sometimes I just don't understand. How many more tears must fall before you see them amidst the rain and the storm? I don't understand why you are so far away when I'm crying out desperately for you to guide me. To bring me out of this, out of my own head and my own negative thoughts.

Daddy, your daughter needs you. ):

it's so tough growing up. i really, really. sigh. i still feel like a child. work is scary, don't want to talk to CEOs and managers. ): can't seem to picture them as just mere people like you and me. )': when am i gonna grow up. its so difficult to adapt to changes. always been pretty resistant towards it. i hate it when i realize it, that i'm not as okay or as good as i thought. HAHA, oh well. welcome to reality.

i want to give up but my mind reminds me how it will train me to think like an adult and learn to speak better. need to stop being so afraid, need to be more confident of myself. God, be with me.

Yesterday's verse was Philippians 1:2, 'Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.' It really moved me to tears. I was really excited about my job actually and only when they made me do calls that I felt this fear. But other than that, I think God really calmed my heart before work. He was really assuring me on the way to work, promising to give me grace and the peace to do my job and to watch over me.

I've yet to receive full grace and peace though, don't think its possible to experience it fully in the moments that I stop focusing and relying on God. I need to seek him more, to trust in him fully. The moment I think about the enormousness of the task, my mind overexaggerates and the anxiety starts all over again. For Philippians also says, 'Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.' Amen.

Really think this is an amazing verse that can really lead you through anything in life. God has promised us his presence.

Sorry God, for not keeping my eyes on you the entire Friday. Sorry for being so out-of-it and terrified by man when you are the only one I should fear. You are the sovereign, all-powerful one, the one who controls my fate and my life and my salvation in the palm of your hand. Not any CEO, not any President, not any bosses. In fact, they are nothing compared to You. Just mere people that's all.

Thank you God for always being so good and so faithful to me. For always being there although I'm always distracted by everything. Thank you for always bring me back to you and sustaining me all through my life. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to really trust wholeheartedly in you and rely on you. You are my God and I should fear you, not men. If I can talk to you, if my God can be like a best friend to me, I can do anything else for I know you are with me. And if you are with me, who dares be against me. MUAHAHAHAHA. :D

You are good, all the time. And though I may not understand all the plans you have for me, my life is in your hands. And through the eyes of faith I can clearly see, God is good all the time.


This song just came to my mind, what an amazing declaration of His faithfulness. (:

I feel so amazed. Really. The peace I feel is immense, crushing almost. HAHAHA, nevermind. I am happy.

Last night was amazing fun. Although I ended work late and had to rush down to ECP with no dinner, and got lost and walked ten thousand miles to get to CycleMax. I survived at least 40-50km of cycling! (: Hurray. Hahahahaha and had loads of fun splashing and cycling through puddles of rain on the road. Enjoying the cool of the night although now I'm slightly cold and flu-ish. Heheheheh, happy though. It was fun.

Teeheeheehee. :D Felt super happy and sweet. Was nice going crazy and high again. Hahahaha, yay. (:

God plzplzplz. I beg you, give me strength. Be with me. Sustain me, keep me. Give me favor, protect me.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Amen. I'm counting on you.

is there going to be no rest.

felt so upset upon returning. there's no awakening. i awoke to the fact that there has been no real change even after camp. then it started sinking in that change starts from taking baby steps everyday. so i suppose its up to me to change my life.

work starts tomorrow.

God give me the strength, preserve me. give me joy, give me wisdom and give me love.

Father help me, for I really don't know what I'm doing. But I'm exhausted, I really am. Not refreshed, not rejuvenated. Just feel like I've been thrown back in the dirt. What's the point of this.

I want this song. I want to claim this song and experience it.

The more I seek you, 
The more I find you 
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming