So that was it.

That was the end of AdRace.

It has indeed been the race of a lifetime. Never have I felt this much in a single event - I loved them, I got angry at them, I got frustrated at them, I didn't understand them, I smiled with them, I laughed with them, I went crazy with them, I felt like everything was worth it with them, I felt they were weird, I felt I was strange, I felt we were awesome together as a team, I felt our team was falling apart.

Working together on the final day of AdRace was such a joy. The weather was beautifully terrible. So hot! Hahahahaha, bunch of us felt unwell due to lack of sleep and stress and the insanely scorching weather. Wavehouse was beautiful though. (: We are so blessed to have gotten this endpoint, I think it sort of raised the standard for AdRace. For many people, I think they had fun. Even for the volunteers, I heard they had good feedback too. We worked well together.

It was awesome. I'm so proud of us.

Oh well, so moving on is Project Sokh Saan next. OCSP.

I'm actually really excited about it. Seems like our group is pretty tight, most of it at least. (: It's going to be fun. Just need to commit our OCSP to prayer. For us to acknowledge that He is the one in control throughout the entire trip and for Him to watch over us. In the end, even if anything happens, I hope it'll be used to bring glory and reveal who He is to our members. I really hope that just like our name, the members will be able to feel like they are blessed. Not just by any luck or chance, but rather understanding the true meaning of the word Sokh Saan and Blessed as there being someone else Bigger out there.

Okay so anyway, goodnight. HAHA, I forgot what I wanted to write.

Just this.

This feeling of losing myself.

So. Damn. Frustrated.

How on earth am I supposed to do this.

Feel so messed up.

Should be at ABR now, but I'm sitting at home doing AdRace work. Haven't even packed for camp. And leaving my friend all alone at camp. ._. I hope she's alright by herself.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, frustrated.

Cannot understand why am I doing this.

It's my five hundred and fifty-five post!

Anywaaaaaaaay,
What time is it? Summertime!
School's out, scream and shout!

<3 My very first summer.

I still don't get it. Not sure how this turns out. Cause you see, just don't ever want to forget it.

Know how sometimes you have a beautiful memory so you just keep holding on to it, never willing to let it go? Yeah, somethin' like that.

Nevertheless, it's been such a joy being in Children Ministry. I loved what I shared with my children today. (: I love how it triggered questions. At that moment, I saw them growing up to become the ones answering these questions. Them with their adorable innocence, and their cheeky answers and strange questions sometimes. I think they got it though. Thank you God for leading the lesson today, forgive me for not doing any preparation for the lesson beforehand. But today's success just showed me how you are always in charge, it reminds me how you are the one speaking to your children. Just so awesome.

Taking a new turn in the way I'm leading Children Ministry Worship. I hope I can talk to Auntie Laychoo more about this. Meanwhile, I'll just pray about it.

Don't know where I'm going; but I sense God's pleasure and it's just awesome. (: Fills you with the joy.

Alrighty, time to study for my last paper.

Thank you God for what you've done for me this entire semester, placing such understanding people in my life so that I was able to survive. Forgive me for overloading myself and not putting you first in everything. Please be with me through AdRace, through OCSP, and through Nitebike. I also trust you for my future, my international exchange, my internships and also my summer job.

Thank you Father. (:

what's the point.

my oversimplified brain can't get round the complexities of life.

perhaps it is true that I have seen far too little of the world, that I am too ready to be trusting and honest in my doings.

and I just don't know how to respond sometimes. I want to help but the solutions I think of are just perhaps too straightforward, too open, too democratic.

and this anxiety as well. this nagging feeling that I haven't been a good leader, that I, or rather we, haven't been committing what we should have to the group. are they prepared? are they ready? not so sure about that. but this was what we wanted, didn't we? to leave everything until after exams?

and AdRace, what's happening now? sigh, how am I supposed to lead so that Nitebike won't end up like another AdRace?

and just this overwhelming sense of not being good enough I guess, not being sufficient, not being good enough. all these insecurities creeping into my head, when I'm all alone. when I'm not committing enough to God.

He has been good, to see me through until today. That my family is stable and supportive. That I am able to afford all I want. That I am given this faith in Him. That I'm so blessed. That just so many things remind me of His goodness.

Then I think to myself: Who am I? Does it matter if I don't succeed? Does it matter if something goes wrong? Does it matter if I'm a bad leader?

I tried what I could, I did what I can, I did my best that I could at every single moment. Yet I still fail.

It just tells me one thing. How much of a failure I am, isn't it? And how much greater God is. And how awesome it is, to be so small, and yet to be so loved, so cherished by someone so great. (:

And I know who I am. No, I might not be a great leader. No, I might not be a great friend. No, I might not be great at solving the world's problems. No, I might not be good at all. But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom. And I am yours, and yours alone.

I am a mere Child of God. But yet, because of this, I am not just a mere child.

I am more, only because God gave me more. Isn't that amazing. (:

Indeed, to be a Child of God - 'its the greatest thing one could ever have'.

Thank you God for your blessings upon my family. (:

Thank you for the overflowing joy and love.

Thankyou thankyou thankyou.

I love you.

Happy Birthday Joshua, <3 I'm so proud of you.

pretty strange eh.

looking at past photos I've shared with my friends, and looking at them now.

they've all grown. haha, maybe not really in terms of maturity... haha okay fine. everyone has a child in them and so the playfulness persists.

but it's pretty strange how it's been slightly less than a decade when we were all best friends, kicking ball and playing catch together, doing prefect duty together, going for class together. and now we're all grown up, each of us adults in our own right.

it really is amazing how people change and grow.

as i looked at baby rochelle today, i was thinking about how alike she was to baby alexis. i remember baby alexis in the creche, and the fun zhiqi and i had with her, me particularly carrying her all around, playing with ariel, ryan and alexis. and now they're all big. and i'm teaching primary two alexis in children ministry.

it's just really fast huh, and how i've grown, perhaps, or maybe not. hahaha. being able to understand my parents' worries and concerns, being able to provide solutions or even to help them do up documents and accounts.

change is the only constant. the most truest phrase i've come across thus far.

guess we shouldn't always fear change, it's natural. it's been the only thing in our lives. most of the time, with the right guidance, with the right motivations, we turn out right don't we.

so much anxiety and unresolved worries about my future sometimes. what shall i take for my major. should i take finance, if it means robbing me of time with family? should money be the main motive? should passion for the career be the main motivation, even.

last night, talking to my parents didn't resolve anything and they left me with a gnawing frustration and irritation. seemed like wherever i turned to, the light was dim.

this morning, i realized. i realized that God's control over everything is supreme. usually, i would go for children ministry but today when i went, my superintendent told me to go for service and i gladly went.

the message spoke to my heart. Hebrews 11:8. about Abraham going where God had called him to, a place of his inheritance, even though he didn't know exactly where to go. all Abraham knew was that God called him to go, just go. Rev George Ong said, 'life for a Christian isn't supposed to be smooth-sailing. it is meant to be like the flight of an F-16 airplane, doing double turns in the air and rolls. never ever like a commercial airline.'

i felt God telling me, it's okay to be blind. it's okay not to know. He assured me that I'm on the right path, just gearing myself up to go. that the moment He says go, i'll be ready and willing to throw down my own hopes and desires and just go to pursue His. that is what He created me for. gifted with a strong faith and trust in Him, so that I didn't need to worry about where I'm going to go, or what I'm going to take, because God has a greater plan for me. and when He calls, I will respond.

it's not just going to be plain, boring, but surely it won't be easy. He has called each of us for greater things, which will be our inheritance. we need to pray the prayer of faith, to declare God's control over each situation. He promised us nations.

Isn't that amazing? Hahaha, Praise the Lord. (: God is truly indescribable, unfathomable.

and the ending song, it just touched my heart so deeply. because it spoke of a promise. a promise of the comfort of His presence, even in the midst of storm. a promise of victory over all, that we may soar above these little troubles of the world. all i needed to do in exchange was to simply be still. and know that He is God.

Hide me now, under Your wings.
Cover me, within Your mighty hands.
When the Oceans rise and Thunders roar,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father You are King over the floods,
I will be still, know You are God.

Amen. Our God is an Awesome God.

:O

Oh dear oh dear.

I've been doing it wrong, haven't I. ._.

Is it bad that I don't even feel like eating if it means I can only eat veg. :/ Oh dear. Daniel oh Daniel, y u no give chance to carnivores.

On another note though, I need to take it more seriously. Hahahaha.

I suddenly feel super peaceful. Just sitting here listening to Corinne May with my tehbing and yes a box of vegetables and my apple. Not to forget my BGS textbook and its highlighters. Heheheh. (:

I need to stop thinking about it. It's a psychological thing. I hope church camp will be awesome though! We really need a reawakening.

God, bring your fire and relight the flames. I look forward to the glory of your presence. (:

Strange, awkward feeling. :/

Been wondering about and exploring the subject of modesty in the Bible.

Nothing wrong with shirt and shorts right. ._.

Zzz. Will need to watch my dressing. Guess that means getting rid of some of my clothes. Speaking of that, still haven't sold those blogshop clothes which were too large for me. Ahhhh. :/ Troublesome. ):

Anyway, still very awkward. Okay, nevermind.

So... Shall blog more tonight if I'm bored. Hopefully I'm not. Cause today is BGS day!! :D Okay scratch that smiley. I hate BGS. Nvm. ):

I don't know how or what to do. Not sure how to respond. This overwhelming disappointment as I continue trying too hard.

Couldn't take it. Found a quiet spot in SOE, prayed and cried out to God for help, for understanding.

God, is always amazing. He speaks to us in times of need, He consoles us when we cry out for him. Found this in my email: daily devotional - I can't think straight!

I felt like that today during my presentation. I had the answers, I just couldn't present or express myself. I was just so exhausted from living from day to day. And this is what the devotion said,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 (NIV)

I felt like I was walking in circles. My to-do list was long but I was accomplishing nothing. Nothing except shifting messes from one place to another and getting increasingly frustrated with myself.

Why couldn’t I think straight!? Urgency pulled and tugged, creating anxiety, yet I couldn’t get myself unstuck.

Many days I just plod along, hoping that somehow I’ll pull myself together and move forward. Sadly, my success rate with that approach is pretty low. Just doing more doesn’t help when my mind is scattered.

My biggest challenge with bringing order to my day and home usually isn’t found externally. It’s not too much to do, too small closets, or too many kids running around. Yes, those can be challenges, but they aren’t the biggest one.

My biggest foe is my cluttered mind. When I don’t think straight, I can’t solve problems.

Our minds are the command center of managing our lives. We may blame outside pressures for our problems, but many times the issue is within: minds that aren’t seeking help from the Source of all wisdom and clarity—God.

As Christians we have a direct line to God’s wisdom as our key verse promises. Plus, we have the Holy Spirit living in us who is our Counselor (John 14:26), and as the Bible tells us, we have “the mind of Christ” (1 Cor. 2:16). That’s a powerhouse of help!

But we don’t always tap into this Source of help. And when we do, if the truth were told, we often don’t really expect God to answer us. Others, those super-spiritual types, may hear from God. But not me, we think.

And so we struggle with problem-solving. We are frustrated at our circumstances, confused about what to do, discouraged and defeated. It’s a downward cycle.

For years, I never even thought to ask God for help making little decisions. Maybe I’d bring Him in on the big decisions, but the little ones I figured I could handle myself. Oh, how I missed out on so much clarity and focus.

If you are having trouble thinking, ask God to clear your mind and direct your decision-making. Then trust He is doing just that. Once you ask God to speak to you, expect it to happen. This expectation is crucial to hearing from God. Here what James 1:5-8 says:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

If you do start to doubt, then take that thought captive and choose to trust that God has spoken. Listening and trusting are important parts of prayer, because prayer is not always to get God to move.

Many times, prayer positions us to hear God’s direction on how we should move. Through prayer, we align our hearts to God’s heart, and things become clearer.

Is the clutter in your mind making it hard to think clearly? Perhaps one of the problems is you’re trying to figure things out on your own. We’ve been given the mind of Christ and we are offered the wisdom of God. Let’s ask and receive.

Lord, You know how hard it is for me to focus sometimes. It’s hard to figure out what needs to be done. I just feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I know You aren’t a God of confusion, so I ask for Your wisdom and clarity to help bring order to my chaotic mind. In Jesus Name, Amen.

It's amazing. That I know God is here, God is near and He understands.

Father, fill me with hope. Give me the confidence again. Not in myself, my abilities to speak or present. But in you, and you alone. I'm sorry for the arrogance in thinking that I would be able to just go there whack it. Right now it is making me feel so miserable, that I let the group down. That I led the group to nothing. Just give me strength and the confidence to go on. Help me to keep my eyes on you. I know I tried my best and I'm truly sorry for the pride. Thank you for teaching me, thank you for teaching me to be humble. But I pray you restore me now. I truly feel miserable. ):

Thank you Lord. I love you very much and I thank you for these painful moments, cause in them you teach me how to be more like you. I know you are molding me to be your masterpiece.

Immanuel.

Moments like this remind me just how weak I am. Remind me how susceptible I am to my feelings.

Woke up this morning. Lost my third ezlink card in the past two months. Late for class. Tired. Exhausted. BGS report not done. BGS script not done. Wanted to do FA report as well. Not done. I just. I just want to give up.

But I know I can't so I press on. Even as I type out emails to my groups to tell them to stay strong and keep smiling, but its more of talking to myself through them. Telling myself to persevere and keep the faith. Telling myself I can do it.

And you know what. It's just so difficult. Makes me feel so darn burnt-out.

Want to be there at the last Stats class today. Want to hear what Prof says about my group project. Want to be there with my group. But here I am, sitting at Bishan Macs doing my BGS report. Felt so lost just now. What would Jesus do? If He was in my position? That's how I live my life.

But for the first time, I didn't know. I didn't know what Jesus would do. Sounds ridiculous but how else? He wouldn't skip class right? But yet He would've finished all his work. I don't know what's the root of the problem.

Why am I so tired.

Dear God, I know that day you told me the reason why I should work hard. "Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you." As a Christian, I'll work hard day and night so that I won't trouble my group mates, that I wouldn't just be a slacker while I focus on other stuff.

Right now though, it's just so tough. I have been working day and night, God. I have been giving people my time where its due. When I felt that they wanted someone to be there, I was there. When they needed my help to do some work, I was there. But I feel like there's just no more to give. Father, I'm running dry and so I'm running to you. The Spring of Life, right? (:

Sustain me, Lord. Even now as I feel so down, I feel so exhausted and weary. Be my strength to carry on. Be my hope. I know and I remember that you have won the victory. I know that all I have to do is to persevere and press on in this life to reach the very end with you. You said, 'Come to me, all you who are tired and heavy laden and I will give you rest'. Please Father, take this burden off my heart. Give me that rest and joy.

Yesterday two friends separately commented on my ability to remain cool-headed and be patient and tolerant of people. But God, I want more than that. I want more. Give me more joy, more love so that I can smile at them, that I can joke with them so I can also pass on to them some of your joy and relieve the stress they feel. Help me to be there for them. And yet at the same time, be with me. Stay close to me. Draw close to me. I need your presence to be with me so that I can do all these. For without you I am nothing. Without you I can do nothing.

As I sit here in your presence, i thank you. I thank you for all the things that give me joy. I thank you for the bright happy voices of the family sitting next to me eating their KFC breakfast. I thank you for the nice music on the radio. I thank you for the smiles people have given me in the morning. I thank you for the chirpy greeting the cashier greeted me with just now. I thank you for my father, how he is trying to make this better for me. Thank you for his overwhelming love, that just shows me that if this is how far my earthly father would go to to make me feel better, to share my load, how much more you? My lovely father in heaven who has not only driven me to school ten thousand times, given me hugs a million times and put a smile on my face a trillion times, but who has saved me and ransomed me from my sins. That I no longer have to be enslaved to school. That I am no longer enslaved to misery and guilt.

Thank you Father. Your love knows no bounds and I am just so filled with awesomeness and joy right now. Heheheheh, thank you for bringing me through. Thank you for being there. You are just so so amazing. :D

Weekends, should be spent with family.

Friday nights, should be spent with friends.

Hmm, guess I need to work on time management next semester.

Definitely taking up a lot less next sem and just gna rest in God's presence at all times! (:

In church today, had the BBGB coming over for enrolment. Gosh, so noisy! Hahahah but kids will be kids. Loved leading the games actually. The rahrah-ing and the cheering them on. (: Hahahahah. Love these kids. I think my CM kids were kinda intimidated by the BBGB though!

Oh wells, had a nice lunch with my P2s. I love these children, simply adorable. I love their sweet innocence. I love how they keep trying to make fun of me. Hahahaha. Whenever I think of them, I just get these really sweet 'Awwww' and feel this tug at my heart.

Had project meeting later on. Projects are well, projects. But was nice talking to Paul. He is so darn cool with all his accents! Hahahah, it kinda awake this kid in me who loved accents. He was soooo good at them. Impressed. (: Realized too that he has damn nice long eyelashes and nice eye color too. Hahahahahah, omg k nevermind. Oops.

Anyway so now I'm at the very same spot in SOE pondering over life again. See the same lifeless guy that made me sad a month or so ago. Looks like he's wearing the same sweater and slippers. Same slouch, same shuffle. Aiyo.

I don't know. I actually enjoy my projects though. (: It's quite fun right? Love my project group mates. Most of them, except when they hand in poor quality work. Zzzz. Oh well, what can I do.

Isn't she lovely, made from love?

Aww <3 this song. I miss my Ascension kids! Hahahahah. Actually I think I am pretty pleased with SMU leh. Hahahah, feel like what I do here could possibly be more significant because it's like an un-reaped harvest, y'know.

Heheheh, so happy. Sitting here listening to old songs in my iTunes that I've never heard before, or even just songs which have a deeper meaning for me. Haha.

I'll always think of you and smile, and be happy for the time I had you with me. And though we go our separate ways, I won't forget so don't forget the memories we made.

I don't know. Think I have so many wonderful moments and memories with the people in my life. Think my life is wonderful. Isn't it strange? How we've made it this far? Remember when we were younger? When we didn't know anything and all we cared about was having fun, was each other. I love that simplicity.

And actually now isn't too bad. When I look back on everything, I'd say things are going pretty well.

It's amazing yeah, what a smile can do. Heheheh, just smiled at a cleaner and gave him a smile too.

Think the world is beautiful.

Remember my rant that day.

I guess, I just need some space from you now. So sorry. I know you thought I would be a good friend. Sorry for my rant previously. I just... was in a bad mood maybe. It can't excuse my behavior. I am truly sorry, shouldn't have done it. So confused when I think about it actually. Hmm. You're right, it is awkward initially. But I guess it gets better after a while. You knew my answer anyway, you answered it on your own in the end. At least I made myself clear. Thanks for trying, but I always told you how much Christianity means to me right? Oh well enough about that. Don't think what to think or how to feel. Just need to get over my irritation I guess. It wasn't like that all the time right? ._. Ah, we'll see. Actually I know how it'll end. I'll just say bye. :/ First time I ever felt this though. How did I lose my respect for you. Oh no. ): I don't know what I'm thinking or doing. Sian. I am making this worse, aren't I. I can't seem to sort out my thoughts though. Don't know why. I can't pretend.

Dear God, what happened. Why is it that I feel this impatience for my friend. Why is it that I feel irritated when I see people being unresponsive or like being slow. It's so unfair, it's terrible for me to judge people that way. It's so haughty and arrogant. Dear Father, teach me Lord. Teach me to humble myself. Teach me to be like you. Like how when you came down to earth, you saw us in our sinfulness and our foolishness and yet you loved us. How did you love us when we were so imperfect, when we were so unlovely, when we were disgusting, repulsive and full of sin. How? I cannot comprehend. Forgive me for my arrogance in thinking that I'm smarter than or better than my friend. Give me the heart of compassion. Give me the understanding of how someone can be so restrained in his thoughts to just follow what other people tell him to do. Help me to stop thinking of him as just sad or tragic. That's utterly cruel and evil. I don't know how to stop these negative feelings. It's horrible. Help me plz plz plz. Don't know what I want to do next. Be with me. Teach me to be patient and gentle. Give me an overflow of joy and love, that I can bless others.

Okay. I don't know right now. Maybe I should just go. I'm so confused.