WLAO ANGRY LEH.

SERIOUSLY.

STOP IT.

GRR.

TAKE MY MONEY SHUT UP AND LEAVE.

okay that was mean. i keep being mean nowadays. but seriously. what's with the reminders that i owe you guys drinks.

honestly pissed.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Really hate this.

I am pleased.

My awesome Stats project is completed. Awesome awesome awesome. Despite the last minute stress from the suddenly discovered wrong answers... :/ Ugh, that was terrible.

Oh well.

I don't know.

I feel so terrible for looking down on others. :/ Hate it. Never really felt this way. But just this sense of being so upset, that I just don't want anything to do with that person. Omg I'm terrible. What am I doing.

))): Ahhhhhhhh.

I just can't stand it if someone is just like '...' or 'uh...' all the time, zomggg. I just feel annoyed that there's such a lack of life or such a lack of response. Like when I was just so super stressed up over the work being wrong, y u no feeling. And so I felt like the entire stress was on me.

HOW COME PEOPLE CAN JUST SEEM TO HAVE NO FEELINGS OR NO EXPRESSIONS AT ALL. ZOMG. HOWWWWWWW. It just irritates me.

Which comes back to my point that I am mean. Alamak, can someone be blamed for that honestly? ._. BUT SERIOUSLY. WHATS WITH THE LACK OF RESPONSE. I FEEL LIKE STRANGLING MYSELF OR SOMEONE SOMETIMES. :/

Shucks. So bitchy. K but I don't know. I just don't comprehend. How.

I am terrible. It's just the mounting frustration I feel. And you know what, I feel so bad. I was supposed to be a good friend.

WHAT'S WITH THE CONDESCENSION. So disgusted with myself. Was it the fact that he was trying to be patronizing at the start. Was it the fact that you hated how he implied how religion was like MLM. Argh.

But yes I guess so.

Ahhhhhhh, I just don't know right now how to overcome this. I don't want to dislike anybody but just the mannerisms and personality clashes that make it unbearable for me to work with him.

Shucks, I feel so terrible. ): HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW.

Meh. Upset and frustrated.

want to help, don't know how.

sometimes, we can't do anything. but we just pray.

be there with them. be close. God, the moment they cry out to you, be there.

give them strength even while they're surviving on a few hours of sleep, give them joy even though they know there's so much work to do, give them hope because they know that at the end of it all, it doesn't really matter. in the end, you're the only thing that truly matters.

as i look back, i wonder how i got here. i can only say that it is grace. not by my efforts, but by grace.

it comes naturally when you put God first. nothing more. just God and His will for your life. when you do that, everything naturally falls into place. because this is the path he created for your life. this is what you're meant to do.

it's difficult sometimes. but sometimes the reason why your dreams aren't answered is because well, it's not God's will for your live. The reason why sometimes it happens is that it tests our faith. it tests our trust in God.

and when that happens, he is simply looking at us in the eye and asking us, do we trust ourselves or do we trust him to give us what's best for our lives?

even so, God loves you. God loves how you strive to submit to him. He is real pleased.

okay now i just need to figure out how to tell you all these. i pray for the opportunity to share with you what the Holy Spirit has shared to me here.

I don't know if it works like this. But before typing this, i had no clue how to respond. i even had to email my senior to ask her for advice. but somehow when i sit down in my room, just this flow of words just comes. it just comes and its not from me. i wouldn't know.

God is good. His faithfulness endures forever.

Going down the highway of life, with no regrets.

Yay, done with Financial Accounting. Time to move on to shit. Knvm, moving to more FA.

ROE ROE, y u no research yourself.

#ninetysixthousand

As I paced back and forth all these time, because I honestly believed in you.

Meow. ._.

I dunno.

I really don't know.

Roar.

It's been a while.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

I just, I just feel fat. Hahahahahahahah, Okay nevermind. I'm random cause I'm bored. I'm bored and got nothing to say.

Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

Work work work work work! CF tomorrow! ^^

Quite pleased with my first work of art from Photoshop too. Proud of myself.

I'm laughing cause I hope he's wrong.

Life's not that bad luh. I've got lovely friends that help me get by. Heheheheheh.

I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine.

Thinking about recent events.

Wondering what's the next step. Time to tell the truth. Time to drop the bomb. Oh well.

What can I do.

I know. But I'm sorry too.

So anyway,

If you asked me if I loved him, I'd lie.

Just spamming the lyrics of my background music, because I can. :D

Time to get back to FA or I shan't have to sleep again tonight.

Now we are not afraid, although we know there is much to fear.

Exhausted but happy.

Just that kind of peace that comes and stays with me. Giving me strength to push on. Putting that of-course-amazing-and-wonderfully-beautiful smile on my face.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (:

This is so upsetting.

Just feel like stopping where I am and just stop. And be with God.

I miss that.

Told my mum at the door just now, 'mummy, everything's so messed up. I don't wna do this anymore.'

just. idk.

God, I beg you to take away my unhappy feelings. Replace it with your joy. Give me eyes to see the beautiful things in this world. Thank you for showing me how friends encourage one another. Through humor to cheer him up, through being understanding and giving solutions. But yeah his sentiment as he was ranting and swearing. I get it. I wish I could say what he said.

One thing he said though, about school making him lose the meaning of life. Guess that really upset me too. Do I lose my meaning of life too? Being caught up in the number of things to do. There's nothing I can do but persevere on right? Can't give up anymore. Too late for that.

Help me.

Something smells great in my house.

I am hungry.

Ooh, prawn fritters. :D

Happy dappy right now.

Yesterday, went for CF and well, fell asleep for most of it. Ugh. I remember it was on Matt 26. When Jesus was at Gethsemane before He was betrayed, how He prayed for God's will to be done even while it meant an immense amount of agony for Him. He did it sorrowfully yet willingly, never reluctantly. And I guess similarly, when we go about our daily lives, we need to follow God's will in order to live out our roles as authentic Christians. Are we facing persecution and suffering? Do we face trials and rejection? If we don't, we're not living out our lives as Christians. After all, James 1 said,

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I think this is an amazing verse. It tells us how everything must first be tested through the fire and flames before it is recognized as worthy and in general a good work done. And once again, I look forward to my Master's return and for Him to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Because I have lived out a life true to Christianity, one that imitates His life here on earth, and well, one that was filled with persecution and injust and pain.

Need to pray for God's will in my life, need to find out what it is. Right now, seems to me that Evangelism might be my role in His return but I need to finish the commitments of my semester first. Ugh, I hate how I still prioritize work over God's work. Sigh. But commitments are, commitments right? Would've dropped them earlier if I could... But persecution? I don't know if this is what is meant. But it IS my fault that I took up way too many and if I started putting God's work (following up on new believers, etc) first and neglect the rest, then I can't put the blame on my prioritizing God first what. It'd bring dishonor to His name because of my mistake. Hm, guess it's my fault. I pray for forgiveness.

Sorry God, that this time I have to finish my commitments before doing your work. I really really wish I can follow up on my friends. After all, it's such a joy to see their willingness to be open and hear. And while they are doing so, I pray that you will speak to them, convict them of what you've done, something so amazing that we can't help but fall to our knees in gratitude and thankfulness. Make it so strong that they will be rendered speechless in light of your great and mighty love for us, that you redeemed us so that you could love us. Help them to see.

Alright so then Matt went on to talk about how the disciples that Jesus brought to pray with Him, could not keep awake. They kept falling asleep because their eyes were heavy. (LOL, my friend beside me laughed at this point.) Was good to know that I'm not the only one who falls asleep at critical times. Hahahahah, my friend woke me up just before this part. Yeah, but anyway the message was that we have no role to play as sinners. When Jesus was praying, there was nothing we could do. No one could understand His position or what He was about to do. They could contribute nothing, in fact they couldn't even stay awake and accompany Jesus. Actually didn't really understand this part. My friend told me later that it was meant to say we cannot do anything to work and obtain our salvation for it was given to us by His grace.

Recently, I've been feeling very drained, living day to day with only a few hours of rest. Leaving house at 8am and reaching home at 12 or 1am. Quite sad. But exactly this. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I want to do too many things, that when it comes to God's work, I can't do much anymore. I'm limited this way. But yet, I know that in this passage, Jesus affirms how our work is not important. That our acknowledgement of His mercy and grace as the reason for our salvation is enough. Hm, I don't know. This seems to kinda contradict what I've said above but it doesn't.

ahhhhhh, nevermind. think about it another time.

found something very deeply meaningful yet ironic though. the cry that Jesus' innocent blood is on the crowd and their children, not on Pilate. O_O it's like when I read that, my first thought was: EXACTLY.

so sneaky. it was their crime that saved them. SO IRONIC.

that shouldn't have just happened. ):

was reminded of it while talking to my friend on Sunday. 'no don't make me regret' i joked. but it was true, what he said.

sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. i'm always glad about how it played out.

i think i scared myself a bit back there though. guess the truth is that it's never over. there'll always be that part of you.

It's really moments like this that makes me know that God is right here beside me, giving me strength.

What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise.

Just, this. And it's amazing.

I'm just filled with so much adoration and thankfulness. (:

Thank you for Your love and Your peace, Father. I love being Your child. ((:

Where's the joy?

):

shit.

i hate that feeling.

that lump in my throat as my eyes start prickling with tears.

i don't mean to be so weak.

but just the whole feeling of, idk being a nuisance to people. argh.

why am i still so insecure.

i don't like that i can't stop myself.

i just don't want them to be angry, that's all.

but i guess it's just not that easy sometimes.

#feelingthatchilldowntomybones

hi, r sad.

don't know what to do.

what happened.

didn't wna be irresponsible or uncommitted. ):

betarun is today. got pulled out of it. maybe i should have just agreed to the role as station master. but wouldn't i be freaking tired the next day for first aid training?

guess it really is my fault and i hate it that, me, the one who always has an answer for everything, finds myself at a loss as to how to resolve this. francis and val hasn't exactly been very happy with me ever since the ITE issue and SIGH.

i understand their position too though. working hard at the manpower movement and this person just comes to you, asking for easier/less tiresome jobs and having to fit her position into her own schedule as well. it's quite sickening.

i honestly wish i could do something to make up but i just don't know how.

i wanted to be able to be a superhero, to do everything. to understand and talk to my new friends and show concern for their way of living until 2am. to wake up at 6am and go for first aid training from 8am to 6pm. then to rush to school and get ready for AdRace beta run. then to actually DO AdRace beta run until 5am. then rush back to Pasir Ris for first aid course day 2 by 8am. finish and pass the test to get my accreditation by 6pm. and finally, go home to take a nap and then to plan for Sunday School and to finish Stats homework. only then will I sleep. and then later, go to church, teach, go for titanic exhibition for Stats project and compile stats answers. i wanted to do so many things and that ended up moot. i ended up tired. i ended up being irresponsible and uncommitted. i ended up offending people.

I am sad. what's the point. i have obviously taken up too much commitments and at this point, i wish i can apologize to all the people i'm working with but i don't know how. at one time or another, i've not been fair to them. le sigh.

will take up less next sem definitely.

but for now, i really pray for reconciliation and for wisdom especially cause i've no idea how to make it up to them. i really worked well with them in alpha. but somehow, friendships crumble sometimes and i don't know how to get it back.

i hate how i feel crushed each time i lose a friendship. but yet, i'm still glad i care about friends so much more than other things.

still, i don't know how to move on from here.

didn't want it to turn out this way. ):

Zomg. Econs killed me. ):

Need to start studying for exams a little earlier than this. Sigh, but I've been so busy.

Okay lah, I've been playing too much I guess. Heheheh.

But yay, done with Econs notes. Probably did 500+ slides? Just crammed it all. That was so insane.

Okay, time to sleep.

On a side note, my MacBook Air is joining the digital family tomorrow. (: Excited!

At SOE on a Sunday cause my parents went shopping for a Mac nearby.

Feel kinda sad now.

Sitting at the level 5 benches closer to the washrooms and there have been people lumbering past me. Like a mindless, soulless person. A study machine or something. A robot that churns out perfect answers perhaps.

These people look like they stay here. These people look miserable, exhausted. And I wonder if I look like that when I stayed over previously. I never ever want to become like that. :/ And I feel so much upset that they don't realize how much more there is to life.

I think this has been a line that I've been repeating for a while. To friends, to parents, to myself.

I was questioning myself what should I major in. I was saying I'm not sure about Finance because it's just so mindless. It's just insane. Working 18 hours a day? Really? Is the money worth it?

My parents say I still don't know the sweat and tears needed to earn such money, to support your family, to pay your bills. I guess that's true. I am trying to understand. Does that mean I have no choice then? I know starting out at work won't be easy and I'll have to prove myself and my abilities, and I know I put pride into my work and I will surely be able to fulfill this. But I really really don't want to start forsaking things I love the most - family, friends. I would really rather be poor than lose them. But then again, I'm not being realistic. Hopefully my friends won't leave me when I'm poor and needy? Nah, if that really happens I guess I'll be losing quite a few friends.

But yesterday my friend was saying that he doesn't understand how some people actually live without friends and asked me if I would be able to give up my friends. And I said yes. Well, if my friends all turn against God and harden their hearts against the truth, I guess I'll keep trying. But in the end, there's a limit to how much we can do.

Okay anyway, I'm just rambling here. Shucks, I hope I'm not like one of those dead lifeless guys. O_O

Uh-oh.

Janice let's not go there. Let's just see how it goes.

Today was fun. Spent the morning with my family and later went for Open House. Dressed up in the gi. Then got upgraded into a blue belt with the hakama. Hahahahah, so cool. Act yi ge pro lor!

Anyway went for green curry and pineapple rice after that. (: Was fun! It's been a long time since I sat around to chat. Okay actually not really. But hm, I honestly think I need to stop imagining things. Ah shucks.

But it was very sweet. Heheheh. Loved the surprise of finding a drink in my bag. Totally didn't realize. And started laughing when I found it. Gosh. Then guess what song started playing. Talk about coincidences. Sigh my imagination is speaking again. But yet I know what response I should be having again.

Ohdearrrrr.

Because I had the time of my life, no I've never felt this way before.

Okay, second song. Okaaaaay. Shall stop here. This is dumb.

But, in each of these things, I eventually had to make a choice. I could either become consumed with my unmet longing or comforted by trusting God.

As an offering of trust, we must give up that which could so easily bring us down.

Not give up as in discouraged surrender. But give up as in placing this desire in the hand of God and saying, “Either way, I will see Your answer as the good answer and walk in trust.”

Remember the Scriptures promise, He rewards those who honestly seek Him: “And without faith is it impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)

Sometimes I get so consumed with seeking my unmet longings, I don’t earnestly seek Him. But then I miss out on His reward. And His reward is the only thing that will fill the void in my heart.

It's not easy sometimes. But yeah, His reward is the only thing that will satisfy us. And so I will hold out for His promises. (: