So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, "In just a little while,
he who is coming will come
and will not delay."

(Hebrews 10:35-37 NIV)

This has been the verse in my wallet for ministry. To remind me of God's promise. I know He is returning soon and when He does, He will sort the goats from the sheep. He is the one that searches our hearts. And I pray that He'll find in mine a heart that longs to serve and love Him.

It's not easy - serving God. It was never meant to be easy. We are meant to be persecuted.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV)

But nowadays, look at the easy life we are leading as Christians. Look at all of us who say that Jesus Christ is our Lord, who say that we have forsaken the world to carry the cross daily. Do we really? When we study, what is it for? Self glorification or to glorify God? It's really so difficult sometimes to realize that the lives we're leading are so substandard.

There's a real war going on. That hostility I met with during walk up Evangelism and that traumatized me. That was my first warning, wasn't it? Don't step into the battlefield without first equipping yourself with the armor of God.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)

This is insane. It sounds insane but it just shows us how blinded we are to what the devil has been doing. Is the Church ready for battle? We have become complacent with how we're living our lives, haven't we.

I felt like it was preparation phase now. The dreams, the testimonies, the encouragement. I see it. I see myself going towards the battlefield. Am I ready? Will I be so dumb to step onto the battlefield without His armor again?

I don't know my role in this war. Some are chosen as generals to step forth and recruit the army. Some are chosen as messengers to complete the Great Commission and to reach out to the rest. The way we Fight will be different but we're still the same. We fight for the same reason. It's crazy. But it's real and it's coming. Am I ready?

Are His people ready?

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again, I caught in your grace.

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. ♥

Leadership camp was simply amazing. The friendship, the fun and the laughter. One of the best experiences of my life. Ben, Aloysius, Nelson, Dee, Dylan, Ernest, Zhi Yuan, Wanjing, Filzah, Arif, Jerald, Jethro, Jeff, Wee Beng, Xiwen, Sayidah, Run Yu, Gary. Our trainers: Theodore and Song, most awesome trainers ever. Don't ever wna forget them. (:

Learnt so so so much and I'm so excited for OCSP right now. :D Heheh, glad to have Jet in my team as well and really appreciate everyone in my team. ♥

Sian. Hate how my attitude towards OCSP is so bad. )):

Sian. ):

Okay had a break today. Went home straight after 830 class ended at 1200. Meetings all cancelled. So tired seriously, went home to sleep for 5 hours straight. ._.

Yeah, but anyways back to being sian. I think I really need to stop being so snappy. Sometimes, the way people say stuff just irritate me and I snap right back at them with a very cold message. I think I do express my irritation very well and people have been able to pick that up. Then later I realized how mean that sounds and I have to apologize for it. I hate it. Sometimes people just take it for granted. Just, gimme me a break.

Just so so so sianed about how things are working out. ._. Seems like we're all pretty unhappy to be doing this project together, which sucks cause it's a pretty long commitment. But yeah, sometimes I don't know if I'm too sensitive but my leader sounds really spiteful sometimes. Like he's just out to make me look bad, or look dumb. ._. I was just asking about whether the utensils were safe for the Muslims in our group to use, why even bother commenting on the terminology. Sure, there's no such thing as Halal utensils, but that's not my point, so why even bother? Why say that? And I was just kidding when I said I'm in Biking Team's FB group so I am entitled to join them for Welfare. What's wrong with that? I might not be regular, I might not even have gone but I paid up to be a SMUX member, didn't I? Why are you even being so mean about it? ):

This is so sad. I pulled you in to our team cause I thought we'd be able to work together. Turns out that it's really not so easy working with each other and I really regret how it has destroyed any hint of friendship. It's really strange for us y'know, being in the same class and yet not acknowledging each other. Preferring to talk to a stranger rather than each other.

I hate it. Why put each other down. It's not worth it. I don't want to sacrifice our team leadership. I want to sort it out somehow. I hate acting like we're totally fine with each other when we can't even be bothered or even want to talk to each other. But I don't even know where to start. Cause for the first time, I don't even know what is it that makes me so pissed off and so disappointed about you. Maybe it's just another realization that it hurts when someone means more to you than you, to them. And it just sucks so badly that I'm feeling it again.

I don't know anymore. Where am I to go from here. I'm so exhausted. From tomorrow onwards, my schedule is packed full from 8am to 10pm. Every single day. How on earth am I going to do this?

I hate a lot of stuff that's going on right now. But most of all, I hate losing such a good friend as you. CGF. Teapot. Sister. All these mean(t) nothing. Ugh.

How do I reconcile this.

I am getting temperamental, which is very bad. Seeing that this is totally not hormonal. It's just me. And actually, just stress getting to me. ._.

Shouted at my mum today. Given, she was being really picky on me but I really shouldn't have blamed her no matter how tired I was. That was mean. Anyway, apologized and made up later. I love my mum. She always forgives me first. <3

In any case, today was fun! Just making new friends and learning more about them. Heheheh, the Gary Human Knot was the funnest game! :P So funny watching them trying to untangle Gary. LOL. So awkward. Poor guy. But yeah, it's been great. Can't wait for tomorrow although I foresee some awkwardness between him and I. He was leaving when I came in this morning and we totally ignored each other. ._. Crap. Oh well, shan't let that get into the way of me enjoying this course though! The people are quite awesome. (: I am learning SOOOOO much from them!

I am happy. Bought 45 sticks of Halls Vit-C candy. Every kid I passed by in NTUC was so envious of me and my basket. HEHEHEH.

Oh but yeah, was feeling really upset after my quarrel cause I think the main trigger was my tiredness and exhaustion. :/ And I was thinking, God, didn't You promise me rest? Didn't you say that you'd be there with me and strengthen me? Where are you now when I am so exhausted. Why didn't you stop me from arguing?

Well, GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
Place my yoke over your shoulders, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble. Then you will find rest for yourselves.

I guess, reading the different translations of this verse gives a clearer overview of what He meant. The words Meek and Peaceful was also used in place of Gentle and Humble. In the context of this verse, Jesus was telling them to take on His yoke, because it signifies freedom, freedom from slavery, freedom from other idols. He says believing in Christianity, believing in what He has done is liberating. He promises this as His character is such, and when we come to Him, we won't get cast down or turned aside. He will comfort us gently and embrace us in His fatherly way.

I realize now, what I should've known from the very start- when we are tired and heavy laden, we shouldn't turn to man as even the kindest and most understanding man get moods. But we should turn to Him instead. He is the source of unfailing comfort and love. He is the one who will give us rest in His presence, He gives us peace and He gives us joy. The focus was always on Him.

Man are fallible. But I still love my parents and my family.

God is infallible. And I love him with all my heart.

Anyway, I want to pray for more strength, more tolerance and more love. plzplzplzplzplzplz. Amen.

Hi yes and guess what the verse of the day is!

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls - Matthew 11:29

._. OOOH. God says He's giving me rest! ^^ But eh, actually I don't get the verse. 0_0 Too tired to process. Perhaps my subconscious will process it and tell me tomorrow.

And also, warm fuzzy feelings <3 R a very happy kid.

Speaking of kid, Mr Bean has this new Soy Choco-licious ice cream that's super duper awesome! :D Made me happy today, just as the impromptu mugging (more like chitchatting) session with my LTB friends did.

Yay feel so loved. (: I just wna hug everybody right now. But for now, I'll just make do with my bolster.

#WARMFUZZYFEELINGS

Oh shucks. Can't get to sleep.

Exams tomorrow. Whee so screwed but it's okay. I did what I could with the time I had. Right, God? If its your will, I don't know, grant me the right words? If not I really can't be bothered about it as well. Cause only if it's important to you, then it's important to me. And if it was important to you, you'd have a will about it right? O_O LOL. My reasoning. Don't know where it came from.

But yeah. Heehee. (: Hohoho. I don't know. Nevertheless, I am happy. :D So happy I can't sleep. Awesome. Great. Okaaaay nevermind.

Goodnight, world.

Exhausted. ): Felt that I related so well to the proposal I was writing today during MC about why SMU students need to have a peer mentorship programme in place.

Sigh. )': I don't know what's the meaning anymore. I wish I can spend my days just attending Bible Studies and going for classes. WHY MUST THERE BE EXAMS. >:( And OCSP is starting to weigh me down. ): Need to stop having such a negative attitude towards it. But seriously, today I really couldn't be bothered with formalities anymore. I was just so super irritated and annoyed. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I've never felt so much dislike for a person that I can't even stand seeing his face or hearing his voice. Just pisses me off. ._. SIAN. I want to stab myself. Why am I becoming so mean ahhhhhhhhhh. Shit, need to stop being so bitchy. ): Never even thought I'll use this word on myself. Guess I'm starting to change. SHUCKS, NEED TO STOP. PFFT.

But seriously, GAH.

Verse of the day: "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness - Isaiah 41:10"

Was feeling bothered by the fact that we're always each other's entertainment. And that sometimes the things we say aren't very kind words but just said to poke fun at or make each other laugh. But God promises that He upholds us. That we're not judged by what His people has to say about us. He doesn't need them to tell him what we've done, He knows because he's been watching, he knows our deepest fears and desires. He knows. And by his righteousness, He will bring justice to our lives.

We don't have to feel hurt or discouraged. We cannot let these things tear us down. Because we know someone greater loves us and believes in us. And that is God- the unfailing one. If He does not fail, how would He also make the wrong choice in loving us and wanting us? It's amazing really. We are His children. (:

Dear Father,
I thank you and I love you so.
I will wait with anticipation for the day when you return and say, 'well-done, good and faithful servant.' (:

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Verse of the day. Amen. I am rejuvenated and encouraged. (:

Thank you Father for giving me hope every time I see nothing but disappointment. Thank you for giving me joy when all I feel is despair. It is only in my weakness that I know you make me strong. And I thank you for this knowledge that preserves me every step of the way.

I love you Father and I will praise you in this storm. <3

Sian, honestly sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to please people, trying so freaking hard to just please them, to say the right things, to do the right things.

darn. i want to cry. i am upset.

Amidst the rush, amidst the cheering, amidst the laughter and teasing, this question arose: what is this for? Is this worth it?

Today was SMUX team exco investiture and it was quite fun to be there to cheer on my friends with most of the Adrace people. And I found myself regretting not running for SMUX crew. It was still not enough. After everything, OCSP, Adrace, 5.0mods, three ccas with two of them meeting twice weekly. Not enough?

Well its sure for one thing that I've got no more time to myself, except maybe these times that I get to blog and write down my thoughts. But the truth is that I'm exhausted. It's fun but it's starting to become pointless.

Chasing fun, chasing laughter, all these fade away. Positions and popularity they also fade away. What lasts forever then?

God's work I suppose. I remember the joy I felt as I read the email from
my friend who went for WANTED and how he felt for the first time a desire to read up more of the bible. It's amazing. To think that God might have touched and changed his heart. To think that I had a small part in bringing someone back to God. To see my friends whom I've never talked to about religion, choosing to come for CF even if I'm not gna be there. It's just so encouraging, how God works. Nothing ever goes to waste.

But right now. I don't know. SMUX people are wonderful. But teams are still teams and unless I join a team and go weekly, it's probably difficult to have a strong bond there.

I'm really trying too hard. Waaay too hard. And for nothing. For I know my Father prides us not on our achievements nor grades, popularity nor moral standards, but just on how much we love him and how much we'd give up for him.

But yet I can't really give up my commitments as well. They brighten up my life and the people make me feel like I have a purpose for being with them.

I'm not sure. Wish I knew what I'm doing. But all I know is that I'm no longer relying on God. But rather on these things which keep me busy and make me feel useful. That's not a very smart idea obviously... :/ Sian.

K nvm shall go bathe and pray.

Beautiful night, ain't it.

Sjp. Seriously.

It's week 5, and I'm exhausted.

Okay fine. Sorry for ranting.

Maybe he did have his reasons. Maybe he woke up on the wrong side on the bed as I have.

I'm just super blessed that most of my instructors love my jokes and have their own sense of humor as well. I can't wait for the next driving lesson. So darn exciting!' :D It's gna be a blast!

Been thinking about things recently. Hmm.. Nevermind.

Can't wait to drive on the road again.

Worse driving lesson. EVER.

What the heck. Seriously. He go jam brake my car just because I never signal. There was no car turning in on the road. Wth.

It's not like I had major problems with driving. He just say my speed not
constant. Well not if I could help it when I'm following behind a car. He slow I have to slow right. Whaaaaat. Then too slow he also comment I got no acceleration. WUT.

Then he made me get down early and drove me around the bloody circuit for five minutes. And was the first to drop me off too. Tyvm. I have never had an instructor that was this unfriendly. Really.

Every single lesson I've had was fun at the very least. It was always hilarious.

And guess what, I never hit curb almost every time and totally did angle correction without his guidance and he still didnt pass me for that narrow course shit. Ass, seriously. Extremely pissed off.

So yesterday marked the end of those CF talks. I think the journey has been amazing.

And you know what, I'm just so astounded by God's faithfulness.

When news of these talks came around, I thought: hm wouldn't it be great if I could bring a few friends to one of those days!

Turnout was pretty good. Overwhelming in fact! God showed me that all I had to do was ask in faith, and people would respond. It's been an interesting five days. Even though I feel exhausted since its been 8am-11pm days everyday on average, I still feel rejuvenated at the end of the day cause I know there's something to look forward to.

So many people I'd like to pray for.
I'm so excited right now. God has indeed moved their hearts and raised doubts in their minds about their perhaps nonexistent beliefs. And I'm so so thankful for their openness.

On another note though, seems like I am a perfect target for bullying. But it gets tiring. It gets irritating. It gets annoying. Help me to be patient and persevere. Sometimes it's not so bad. Ah but it's tiring to be entertainment. Everyone just waiting for your comeback. Darn. :/ Sometimes people don't get that everyone needs a break. It's not that funny after a while. But yet what can I do.

OCSP, maybe it'll turn out fine after all. (: I just pray for more strength, more wisdom and more self-control. I commit it into your hands.

I think I kinda love school. I realized I love SMU. It ain't that bad. Haha, it's fun. Not like ACSI. But ACSI will always be closer to my heart. I think. Haha.

Alright time to go fight the metal dragon. Tata!

And it's moments like these that I realize how important CF is to me.

It grounds me, the people keep me going and most importantly, it reminds me what I'm here for.

I'm really thankful. I'm so thankful for tonight, had the best talk with my friend and I pray with all my heart for love to flood my friend's house.

Received a phone call. Downed my spirits. How am I going to do this when it burdens me so. :/ I think I myself need to be flooded with love and the patience to love them. I mean I do but I'm just confused. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

On a second note, my mum loves me. She made herbal soup and left it on the stove for me.

I miss you. It will never fail to remind me of you. This is insane. I am tired. I need to be kept afloat. God, help me. Save me from being so caught up. I know you're important. But I am also doing too much other stuff cause I can't bear to give it up.

I am happy but tired. I don't really know if I'm happy anymore. Okay Nevermind. I am happy luh. Generally quite pleased about my life.

I don't know.

My friend's reply to my message.

"LOL! Thanks girl You just made my day HAHA!"

-----Original Message-----
From: Janice TAY Jia Hui
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2012 4:07 PM
To: Friend
Subject: Re: FA Slides

Thanks girl. You are the meanest person I've ever known. <3

Haha I think it's awesome. I think we are. :D somehow we started to make each other smile. Somehow we got closer. Somehow we started knowing each other better. And I swear, this is the best feeling you could ever have.

Weird dream.

So much involved there. So many differences. I was so distraught after that dream. It was up to the point that I said I'll go. I'll leave the group and they could do things the way they liked it. :/ There are just too many differences. What is important? If building our team is important I wouldn't stop at any costs to get the best people. Making them better people and helping them revive a passion for others is not something our facilitation can do. It's just not realistic.

And the way decisions are handled are so different. I put a lot of effort and time into everything I do because I believe it's worth it. I believe the people make the team, the trip, the experience. And damned if we can't think on the same level.

Still, I have to thank them for putting up with my demands. I demand a lot from my leaders, both time and effort wise. But as leaders, if we don't give our team the best, how else will we expect them to do the same for our beneficiaries? This is my only motive, not to antagonize any of them or to make them suffer.

While I know my coleader is okay, what about you? It's really you I have the most differences with. I regret this leadership role, I regret that working together made me realize who you are and how you roll and that it made us lose our friendship. Now I just want our OCSP to go ahead smoothly. :/ But how. I really thank Charmaine for her patience and cheerfulness to help us see reason and make the deciding vote.

Anyway Adrace is getting busy. And it's turning out to be the best decision I could've ever made. Really. All the late night iMessages between the three of us and our insanity, making fun of Eugene and highfiving. Hahahah. I love our inside jokes. I love the team. Last night's 5way phone call was epic. Eugene's sperm... Saved the day! Elsia's epic phrase. My goodness. Tomorrow night's gna be awesome. I pray for everything to go well.

On a side note talked to my dad last night. I encouraged him to leave his job and make use of the remaining 30 years to do something meaningful. I challenged him to take on a new direction with my family. To bring us closer to God and to each other. I think it's exciting. It's exciting when you give your life to God. You trust him with it and the decisions you make and everything falls into place. I'm so thankful for the turnout at these CF talks! I'm really happy about the issues it provoked and I can really say I tried. It's up to them and God now. It's exciting to be his messenger! (:

It's just so amazing how God's word is so powerful, it answers every single question we have.

I'm happy. I am really thankful for my friends. Went to Junming's house with koonhan. (: Played tennis which I really can't play btw (:/) and they cooked carbonara for dinner! :D So cool luh, so pro. Hahahah! Anyway it was good albeit a little too rich and then we watched Na Xie Nian Wo Men Yi Qi Zui De Nu Hai. (: The actress and actor was cute. ^^

Brought back good memories of the bunch of us. We were awesome weren't we. :D

God has been good, he has been blessing me so much. And I'm praying that tomorrow night in Eugene's car in the midst of trying to stay awake, that we can perhaps hear his view on religion. (: I pray for wisdom on my part and also an openness on his part, not of a challenging spirit but a true seeking one.

I worry for those who are indifferent.