So I'm on the way to Acjc for my friend's band concert now. (: Pretty much excited to return to this part of Singapore. (: It's been a pretty long time. And I love concerts! Buying flowers and all those. :D

On a side note, life has been good. Had a great time with my AW class at my Prof's house last night. (: I love these people. Hahahah, we're awesome. And zomg had Laoban tauhuay. As if the night couldn't get any better.

And Adrace was fun! Looks like its gna be quite an adventure, indeed. Got Weiyan to volunteer to do station mastering for the Alpha run so it'll be pretty fun highing together at night! :D Just like that night after aikido!

Had an aikido party last Thurs! We had a blast! HAHAHAH. All our crazy YJ-YJ shit-stirring and our taboo/charades thing. Hahahaha and sensei senhui was quite a good sport. Gosh, his imitation of Harry potter waving his wand became helicopter... So near yet so far.. Sigh. Stupid and I got the word beginner. And when I said my aikido is...., people started shouting, 'noob!', 'lousy!'... FINE. Pfft.

Then stayed over with Weiyan and Yingjie and had the best HTHT ever! (: Heheheh. Sharing my story and shortening everything to just everything happening at the wrong time. How sad it is that many of us tell this storyline nowadays.

Yes but okay super fun. Talked through the night cause yingjie couldn't sleep. Right up until we all couldn't take it. Hahaha it was nice. Discussing about the aikido guys and also terrible guys. :/ But yeah these people mean so much to me! (:

K then had morning class on fri and died LOL. But yup, went out with my JC friends on Fri night! :D Hahaha miss these crazy people! We totally tried to scare Lucas away but he was such a good sport! (: Hahahah. So happy for Cheryl, really. (:

Sat morning had Econs makeup followed by Adrace meeting and AW gathering! Awesomeness. Hahaha.

I'm really super thankful for all the blessings in my life. I have waaaay too many. And I got in contact with LTB people, they never fail to make me laugh. (:

I'm glad. The moment my parents questioned me 'What else do you have to do besides study?!', and I gave my answer about school being more than GPA and more of experiencing and being involved in events and making friends, I knew I was in the right place. SMU is more like 'me' than I ever expected and I'm proud to be an SMU student. (: And I'm glad I didn't get into any other school.

Thank you Father for leading me on my way. Yesterday at Sunday school you taught us that your Word is a lamp into our feet and a light unto our path. You are the lamp we carry in our lives. We can't see the whole picture but we see the next step and we know if we follow your light we will walk the narrow and winding path. It's so amazing how things always turn out okay. I praise you for your everlasting faithfulness! (:

Along the road of life,
I have a friend divine
Who walks with me
And gently leads the way.
He gives me joy
And makes the darkest night to shine.
It is the Lord that won my heart one day.

(:

Seriously. I don't get why people are arrogant. I hate it.

Totally had the What-The-Hell? reaction. Annoyed and irritated. And once again ranting here because I can.

Still quite happy though. Waiting for my carbonara to come haha. :D Yumyumyum! Been craving for super long and always long queue haha. (: Yay.

Okay but ugh, still annoyed.

Sigh.

I'm so sleepy.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Reminds me of everything happy and sweet. (:

#contentedwithlife.

Hm, I've been thinking.

Gentleness huh. Guess it really sets people apart, I like that. (:

I love how I've been feeling really happy the past few days. On the whole at least. Things have gone well.

Uhhhh, yeah. Nothing much to say actually. For the first time.

Perhaps I'm too caught up in my thoughts. Hahaha. It's really easy sometimes to get caught up in your past, in those happy memories you once shared. I think that's why I love to write long letters to my friends, where I'd write all about the sweet moments we shared so they won't forget. And sometimes I'm sad cause they don't write back and I do forget.

I love reading the letters others have written to me, no matter how random the cards are, no matter how terrible the handwriting (HAHAHAHA. Zomg I'm sorry), no matter how weirdly the smiley faces are drawn (:P), they all mean so so so much to me. I love all my friends, I really do.

And just as I'm typing this my mum told me I got a letter! (: It's a Christmas card from Yuen Wai! Super sweet although uh, terribly belated! HAHAHA. <3 Zomg these people just mean so so much to me. Ahhhh.

Hahaha on a side note though, random as it is, I'd like my husband to be with gentle character. (: And I shall also work towards being gentle. TEEHEEHEE. This is exciting.

Nvm. (: I'm just so darn happy right now!!

Well, well, well... What a strange and terrible dream I had.

It sure woke me up to the truth that evil is so rampant everywhere and that it'll be so hard to tell, when the end of days come, who is really God's anointed teachers and who are the false prophets.

I dreamt that I was at this meeting when this leader spoke something over a demon-possessed woman and she just fell on the ground, motionless. Normally this is quite common and it's called being slain in the spirit. But in this case, I felt a slight unease and kept turning back to check on her as the meeting proceeded. Later on in the dream, I realized that this leader and his wife was actually doing a lot of terrible deeds in the background with evil spirits. And that the congregation was fooled into believing that this man was of God and was doing His work when in actual fact, the evil spirit in the woman merely took her life away at his command. The woman was just later disposed of, when the crowds dispersed.

It is a very disturbing notion but throughout the dream I felt this sense of normalcy. I think that worried me the most: that it was so difficult to tell whether someone is of God or not and it was really a wake-up call to seek God's opinion in everything we see and do.

I also felt this responsibility on me. Cause in the dream my parents were gone and I was with my two brothers and maid. I felt it, the need to unite the family in prayer when we realized the dark secrets of the leader and his wife. And this is my fear actually, that my family might fall apart without my parents being around. Hmm, God, You are our everlasting Father and I commit my family into your hands. I pray for strength and unity, but above all, perfect love, which is the strongest bond.

In any case, after my dream, I woke up praying for an army, an army of new generation Christians who are bold and ready, equipped to serve God in battle against evil. Sounds so fictional right? Haha, I wish. It's coming. ._. It's not easy to be a Christian. Everyone who wants to survive might want to uh, draw close to God. Which was the song that was playing in my head.

Draw me close to You, never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear You say that I'm Your friend. You are my desire, no one else will do cause nothing else can take Your place, to fill the warmth of Your embrace. Help me find the way, bring me back to You.

You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want, help me know You are near. ♥

Amazing, amazing song. God is so faithful, always leading me through periods of darkness, anxiety, fear and despair.

I'm so excited for WANTED right now. (: I've got two positive replies so far! And one of them is from Walk-Up E! Oh yes, I still need to write emails to another four friends. (: I think it's such a joyful thing to do God's work.

I love this song so so much: This Is My Desire (:

Every breathe that I take, every moment that I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me.

Did walk-up evangelism yesterday. Traumatized and shocked by the fact that some people thoroughly shun and hate religion. Always thought that people just don't know. How else can you truly know and not be humbled and amazed?

Felt very distraught and upset. A few moments, I was just tearing up. At that point I didn't get why it upset me so much. Yingjie said it was cause I am finally exposed to the world around me. That people are actually utilitarianistic and if they see no benefit to them they don't want you to waste their time. Maybe that's what upset me so much that they don't see what a great thing it is to know the Lord, to be accepted unconditionally.

And met Esther today and told her about my Walkup E experience and she related it to what we learnt in BS the previous sem. That like even the bible said that there will be those who refuse to acknowledge, those who would reject God no matter how aimless they are. And I guess it was head knowledge then. Now I finally realize that people in real life do reject Him even if they are informed. And it just saddens me so much cause I feel so scared for them. What if they don't get saved? What if they just refuse to listen with an open mind and they miss the call to be saved? It's just so scary. Always thought that everyone just has to be ministered to and one day they'll have the faith to take that step and believe, so they will join us in tasting the sweetness of God. But to see someone who is afraid of religion this way, I don't know. It just made me so, so sad.

My friend was like laughing at me saying I finally grew up and see the world for what it is. But I hate it, I don't want to. Don't wna give up on them. Don't wna just accept that fact.

That day was talking to another friend. And he was saying how he finds it important to cut off friends who are constantly pulling us down and discouraging us. He likened it to trash. While it was understandable how it is very painful to always be put down, one thing that bugs me is how we can't just let them go. We still need to reach out to them so they can know about God's love. Right?

I don't know. Are they too realistic or am I just too idealistic. But yet at the same time, is it wrong to be idealistic? After all we know that our God is all-powerful and He can do all things. Shouldn't we trust in His ability and keep doing good to everyone around us, no matter how they treat us?

It's so painful sometimes to realize how on the edge all of us are to falling prey to Satan. How disillusioned we can become and I think after Walkup E I was just so afraid for all of my friends that I gave out like the WANTED cards to my friends. Aikido, BGS, SMUX, MC friends.

I just pray so hard that God, you stir up within them the yearning to know what life is all about, whether there could be more to just grades and pursuit of money. Please put questions in their hearts about what Christianity could be. I pray you raise up godly Christians in their life to follow up with them. I pray that you clear my schedule and give my wisdom and understanding to finish my homework quickly so that I may give the rest of my time to your work. No wait, I pray for your mindset. I pray that I may have the courage to do your work first before completing my own homework, but you know I have to do my own schoolwork as well or it might reflect on me badly as a Christian. Ah, you know best. So just lead me in your way and in your will.

Going for SMUX trek tomorrow at Pulau Ubin. Pray for great awesome beautiful weather and for the presence of your love over the friendships formed. Please watch over us and protect us.

In Jesus' most precious name,
Amen.

Thank you Father for teaching me your ways. For I know your ways are higher than mine and your thoughts are higher than mine. Some things I cannot comprehend, but you gently show me. I ask for forgiveness too, for the wickedness of our ways. Jesus, our redeemer, cleanse us from our sins. Forgive us for our rejection, our hatred of the light and forgive us for our enjoyment in being sinful. Teach us to hate sin, just as you do. I see now, the extent of damage done to your children today, how the world has robbed us of so much, of all you could have given us. And I'm just stunned. I want to do something.

Father I have the heart for your children, to save the lost, to reach out to the down and out. So while I am weak, use me Lord that I may be strong in You. Do all these through me. Make me strong cause I know I have hope in you for the salvation of these people.

Thank you daddy. And I love you so very much and I thank you for so much. I thank you for being my God.

Angst. Hahaha. That's my only thought whenever I look back on previous posts. Hahahaha.

Anyway today was cool, I enjoy Econs. :D I am so blessed with awesome teachers! Heehee.

And I've got this BGS party on Wed night of week 4. It clashes with the Wanted talk. And I've made up my mind. If someone I know is going for it, I'm skipping the party. My friend who had Raj Komaran for her teacher has stressed how important this drinking party is to getting him to like you apparently. But ah heck. I know if I am forced to make this decision between God and grades, I'll pick the former.

I want to put God as the center of my life. I want more love and more forgiveness in my life.

I need to stop being so angry. I don't have to be. Shall stop disturbing myself and let bygones be bygones! (:

Anyway was reading this really cool book on letting God write your love story. Heheheh, I think it's cool how it teaches us that at the end of the day, we are not to treat marriage or even the opposite sex as the means to fulfillment. Cause we know that only full reliance and trust in God can bring us the security we long for so deeply within us!

I love the story of the sweeter song. How it gives us a way of escape, that we may endure temptation (1 Cor 10:13). Allowing us to remain pure and give ourselves fully to our future spouses! I really think its super amazing how the parallels are drawn.

I love how God promises to give us an abundant life, as long as we keep our faith in Him. I'm sure this journey is bound to be full of joy and peace cause I know He walks by my side.

In Your time, in Your time.
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
And my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing
be to you a lovely thing
in Your time. ((:

Today was fun. (:

Each lesson reminds me what a joy it is to teach the children of God. Did an impromptu worship with Zhiqi and Jiahui cause the roster wasn't sent out and I thought it was wonderful. This is the day that the Lord has made and It's a great day to praise the Lord. I love kids. I still can't believe I spent time trying to convince the kids that their parents love them and sadly this is getting more and more common nowadays. :/

Talked to my bro for a while today. I think I kinda understand what he means. Time to talk to my parents.

In any case, yesterday was a regret but not the next time. (: I'll try to spend more time with them and remember that I'm the one who has changed, not them. I need to be more patient and understanding.

On a second note, not sure why but there's still an anger simmering in my heart. I think it's unfair and it pisses me off. I hate it. Not you but just the way you do things. How you would push the work to someone else. How you would think of yourself over others. How you always seem to sound so hostile when I try to be friendly. Guess we really didn't know each other at all. Actually I hate how I don't care. I hate how for the first time making up doesn't really matter to me cause I really misjudged you. And ugh. I don't even know what I'm saying. But it obviously goes to show that I care about how it's gone. How our friendship is gone. And it will never come back because I see you so much clearer now, I see your personality and your purpose in life: to win. How much you would give, how much would you exchange for that win? We are just so super different. And so, I guess we probably won't iron it out but we'll carry on working side by side until the future covers the past friendship we had. The one where we are CGFs and all that shit. And I don't know how but I can't seem to forgive you. I thought you were so much better than that. :/

Shucks. I need to forgive but yet each time as you reveal yourself more, I find myself getting irritated by you. I don't know how this plays out for our OCIP but definitely, not well.

I have no clue who you really are.

Ah shucks. Its so difficult to have compassion on someone who rejects the truth, it's so difficult to love someone who lied about being better, it's do difficult to trust someone who promised you so much and then turned their back on them.

Father, what more can I do? Nothing much, without you. Guide me through.

This sense of having screwed everything up. This sense of failure. This sense of my world spinning.

I'm exhausted.

Okay I feel like I'm throwing a tantrum here. I hate it, feeling immature.

But ugh, so frustrated sometimes when people keep taking their own sweet time. I guess I shouldn't have done that, they didn't know I had stuff on.

Sian, it's so difficult sometimes. I really do miss these people but I guess I'm really not used to the hanging around and chilling. University is so fast paced and it just catches on sometimes.

Children ministry is not easy. I need to treat it more seriously. I shouldn't have left it to the last minute to do. I'm trying to do way too many things here. I also wanted to follow up on Junming. Ugh. So much stuff to do and so much time wasted.

Damnit. Becoming one of those task-focused people. Obviously they'd want to hang around! Shucks. I'm to blame for not being able to do all I had planned to. I've forgotten that these are my friends, they're not like just mere acquaintances I meet in SMU. They are so much more precious to me.

I miss them. I wish I have more time. Need to manage my time better. Need to stop leaving work to the last minute. Need to stop being so proud and immature.

Honestly I keep feeling so exhausted. I'm trying to do too much perhaps. And it's just that I'm imposing something they don't even know about on them. They just wna catch up right?

I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. I really regret it. I miss them.

Argh. Father, change me. Help me with tomorrow. I don't know what to do. I need a break so I can stop living from day to day. Help me know what's important and what's not. And the rest I leave it up to you.

I can no longer give all my time to my friends, not when I have so much on my hands. I hate this. :/

y'know what?

i think God is amazing. (:

today was just awesome.

had the longest talk ever with Luke. i think he's really amazing too. i'm just so encouraged by him and all he has said. really opened my eyes to how much new creation church has evolved since i was there a few times in primary school. :/

ah, sometimes school just seems so trivial. everything seems so insignificant as opposed to how it really should be. and honestly, i think Luke's attitude towards life inspires me. i think its great that he is writing books to evangelize. i think its great that he plans such evangelistic parties. (:

i'm glad that he reminded me of my greater purpose and destiny. and i know. i know my priorities. i informed the parents of my tuition kids today. 8 hours a week is waaay too much commitment and i'm not missing CF because of it. sure, earning $280 a week is a lot of money but y'know what, i'm going to trust God for it. if it is God's will for me to go overseas, he will make a way. all i know is that right now, he is the focus. he is the center of my life.

and i think. no. i know, that I love God's people, I love God's kingdom, I love God. because everytime I think about him, I can't help but smile. It's just like when I think of my friends I dearly love. I really really feel this overwhelming joy in my heart. a mixture of both excitement and peace at the same time. (:

oh and have i mentioned how i really thank God for what happened. i used to think that we were very similar, except for our views in religion. but you know what i realized? we are so very different because our view of religion affects every single decision we make, it affects who we are. i think its better this way, i'm happier this way. and so, i'm letting things be. i guess some things we said can't come true. trying to be a nice and good person is so very different from loving God. while the former comes out of our own efforts and takes a lot of tolerance and patience, the latter comes naturally. it is easy because we love Him and want to please him. okay i guess sometimes its hard to love people, but when we do, we must remember God's grace. that it is because he loved us so so much that we have so much to give to people around us. if we just try to be a good person, it will get us nowhere because our focus is on the wrong thing. and when we don't focus on the right target, we'll end up aiming towards the wrong thing and that's when failure comes easily. its easy to see who you truly are. it's difficult not to judge because of what you did. but i know i need to forgive you somehow.

dear Father, you know me best. restore me and help me forgive. then help me forget so i can bless. sokh saan was the word you gave. "blessed". blessed are those who can bless. i love it. the single word speaks volumes.

And so today's officially the second day of school and it's been pretty awesome so far!

Went for stats class and had the time of my life! So excited to be in the same class as like 6 friends! (: Heehee! Guess it just shows how bad my friends are at bidding that they'd end up in the class. But Ms Ching really is quite teh awesome. Hahaha! She how cute and funny!! Used some star wars theme to intro our TA Hahahaha. It's gna be just like my AW class. (: Awesome!

Then rushed off for FA! Met Shreeya and melody there! Then made two new friends Tessa and Timothy! (: Was nice talking to Tessa! She made me really wna go Siem Reap! Hahahaha. And my FA teacher although adjunct prof but super duper nice! (: So motherly and she just came back from doing 15years of CIP at Yunnan. She brought her family and her doctor husband over! I think it's so amazing. We were saying how her children would grow up with the knowledge and realization that they have the ability to change lives. (: Their parents are truly amazing!

Then later met up with Junming to get fooooood. :D Love the beef jerky ohmy. So delicious. ((: Hahahaha. But it was sometime since we met so we chatted and went for dinner! Hahahaha. Then I pulled him to CF. Whee. I love CF. It made me so happy cause I was reminded that it wouldn't matter if I'm poor or have lousy grades. God still loves me the same! He's so super super awesome! And I'm just so overjoyed and smiling at my phone right now. Heehee.

The joy of the Lord shall be my strength and I know He will guide me through the decisions I make this sem. I can count on Him to pull me through.

Oh on another note though, I just wna pray for my friend. (: I thank you father that he is interested to explore religion and that he has the means to! It's so encouraging when people ask questions! And not the argumentative kind, mind you. I just thank you for having the opportunity to bring him to CF yesterday and show how awesome it is when you're with God's people. Cause with this family of Your children, we are fully accepted for who we are and there's no need for pretense or hostility and everyone's so friendly and full of joy! It's just so fantastic! Oh but I pray for his eyes to be open and his heart to be sensitive to your love for him. I know you'll touch him one day when the time is right. And when that happens, I just know how much he'll be able to love you and please you. This is just awesome!! Hahaha! And I love talking to Matthew. He came over to talk to Junming and I and he was so excited when he was talking about Jesus! Like his eyes shining when he said that we'd meet the most wonderful man on earth if we read Mark with the intention of seeking His identity! I just kept smiling then and in that very instant it occurred to me how very blessed I am!

I've been blessed in every single way possible and have been showered with love in a warm and close family since young and it is so simple so easy to understand the Father's love. Not that I can comprehend the depth of His love because I'm still super super amazed each time He touches me. But just that I know how much love a human can give and how much more our God? Our loving God who would give His son up to save us from ourselves, the prince of the heavens, strip him of all power and glory to be a mere baby with no superpowers or anything. Haha. (jack jack from the Incredibles) :P

But yup. I have been given so much love and forgiveness and He has healed me so much that I am able to somewhat grasp God's character. As our merciful and loving Father. And sometimes it's just so difficult for everyone to see how much love and grace our dear father wants to give us.

I know my own father as an amazing person who loves and gives so much for his family. How is it then that my older brother cannot see this love our father has for him? Why is it that they're always arguing and coldwaring. How can it be that we are talking about the same person and yet we feel so differently about him?

Dear father, I love my friends and I just beg that you will show your love so strongly that they'll be unable to resist it. That any doubts of who you are will be cast out of their minds and like me, they'll be able to experience the fullness of being accepted and loved for who we are. As sinners who caused the death of your son, once condemned but now redeemed by the blood of the sacrificial lamb! Open their eyes and hearts that they may know you as I do. And I know as long as they truly and sincerely seek You, you will surely draw close to them. Such is a Father's unconditional love. (:

Song on my ipod now:

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

Father you are beautiful beyond description and too marvelous for words. I am just so thankful for everything right now.

Thank you daddy. I love you.

And so Cambodia was insane.

Mosquitoes. Ugh, wonder how much blood I lost there.

Okay but we had cute kids, awesome food and nice beaches! The team is gna have so much fun there next summer! (: And the home is Christian so we've been learning simple songs in Khmer. Quite cool. :D

It was quite strange though. Cause the incharge of the home are Filipinos so the kids are taught to call is Ma'am (turns out as Mum, some even say Mummy!) and Sir. Hahahaha.

But yep first day of school anxieties. Technically first day cause I skipped school yesterday heheh. Anyway I want to just commit this semester into God's hands. I think the amount of commitments I got this semester is kinda insane but let's just see how this goes... Father, give me the strength to persevere through and still be a testimony to your great love. I pray that you stay close to me at all times because I know that I can't do this without you, I know I'll give up on myself without you. I thank you for your providence in every situation and I praise your faithfulness.

I thank you for the joy and peace I feel.

This verse came to me this morning: but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

Amen. ((:

Okay. Here goes nothing!

I hope it's fun. I'm really apprehensive honestly. Pray that our group turns out fine. I wish my friends were here with me. I wna go overseas together again! I really do! (:

Oops. Okay. Need to stop being so angsty.

And again as I said before, let's just see how things go. Need to stop dwelling on the past. :/

Maybe it'll be okay. Or maybe sometimes it's better like this. (:

Actually maybe it is supposed to turn out like this. I remember praying about it cause it was never really good for me. Perhaps it's time to be independent on man and more dependent on God's control over my life.

Oh well! Anyway just had the best BBQ with my TCH <3 Heehee they rock lah. Every time the food is soooo good! :P I love the laughter and our inside jokes. I really love this group lah. ((:

But ah have to go see my Cedar people before school starts again! :/ So here I am rushing off to meet them! :P Miss these people!! :D

Hahaha I'm so blessed to have met everyone in my life. Even though there have been terrible times, but everything still works out fine in the end! I love how we're friends again. Heh. I love how every time I pass by certain places I remember all the happy days. Thinking of those days at Mervyn's house right now cause I'm passing by Thomson. :P

I'm glad. I am actually damn happy now. ^^ All the happy BBQ satay and beef and squid and best salmon in the world happily in my tummy. Teeheehee. Life is good. (:

But my fingers are frozen. Why the bus so cold. Brrrr. I miss my favorite girls and can't wait to see them again.

Whee. Life has been good.

On another note I realized I don't know who reads my posts (hi Ian) so I'm apologizing for my rant in my previous post. See déjà vu again. I need to control my temper. :/

Damnit. This infuriating thought just planted itself in my mind.

You knew. You knew and still you did the same freaking thing? What the hell. I purposely warned you against doing that to me. And you assured me. What the shit. You said... you said so much crap.

Ugh. Sudden disgust, really. You were the only one who knew. I told you cause we seemed like we were going down the same path and I was making the same mistake. ._. And you did the same thing to our friendship. Great. Damn you.

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them?
What are words if they're only for good times then they don't?

I dunno.

It's weird huh?

Wow guys. It's been a year. How the cow... did time pass so fast!