In Your time, in Your time. You make all things beautiful in Your time. Lord, my life to you I bring. May each song I have to sing be to you a lovely thing, in Your time. ♥

Sometimes we just got to trust God, that His faithfulness will carry us through all the nonsense that life throws at us. And everything is still in His control.

I am sad. )): Roar.

I miss my nearly-best friend.

Sigh.

On a second note though had a nice talk with my parents. Which depressed me as well. Yes we are very blessed by God's grace but we have problems too. Ah.

Such a dull and cold day. Actually I feel okay. Kinda happy actually. Today was quite fun. ((: Had BAG. Love them. :D

Miss my P1 kids though. Ah bi so cheeky hahah.

Sometimes I feel like life is so unpredictable. But it makes me upset to think what will happen if they leave. What will happen to the family then. Can we still hold ourselves together without them? Shit. I am really growing up.

I also need to save money for my family in the future. Yes I am thinking abit far but I trust God that he has plans for me to marry and I can't wait. Now just to meet a guy who loves me and tries to love God as the centre of his life and also wants to lead a family. I only have these three criteria but I think they are very difficult to meet haha. I'm just being idealistic. Need to find someone with hints of these characteristics I guess. And pray that together we can work towards building a God-fearing family.

Actually that's all I want from life. It ain't wrong right? But it's so difficult to attain. Hahahah.

Yet on another note I need to learn to be less stubborn and more submissive. 0_0 My friends give way to me waaaay too much. How to be a gentle and graceful wife omg. Hahahahaha I'm damn noisy.

I was so upset this week. Seriously. Exam week I know. But I realized everybody ignores me. Even when I'm saying a valid thing. Shucks, is that counted as attention seeker? Need to self check abit more. I really don't know how to live my life and be myself.

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends which is such a sad thing. I am an idiot who thinks that just because people ignore my messages they don't love me. La la la la. Need to stop dwelling on such senseless things and catch up with my other friends. ((:

I have no idea whether I'm living my life correctly leh. Not sure whether it's biblical or not. But I don't know. Life's still not a smooth path to walk even so.

Why is it that things which once appeared as a potential true friendship always become cui. Hahahaha darn my English is quite fail. But yeah. I don't even know why I'm upset.

Need to commit it to God's hands. I think I'm backsliding a little. Becoming like the Pharisees. Always with the right answers and knowing what to do. But it's so difficult to trust God and commit it to Him without worrying about it at all. ://

Can we try again?

I'm sorry Father.

I don't know why but I have this feeling I might have lost a friend.

Shit.

Because honestly I love you guys.

You all have been the ones putting a smile on my face everyday of my SMU life.

And damnit. Maybe so.

Hanging out at Bishan library with a secret hidden KOI chocolate milk tea next to me. But it's kinda not enough. I miss you guys.

I can't wait for exams to be over. I can't wait to see you guys again.

Nevermind. Something is wrong. It's called exam blues. I need to grow up, get over it and face it.

Whee. Just ranting here because I can. Heheheh. ^^

)':

I KNOW. THIS IS PMS I SWEAR. ._.

Hahahaha. Wts. Okay. Now to get over it cause it'll be okay soon.

Even if it's not okay I can deal with this. As long as God gives me the courage to press on. (:

Okay problem solved. GOODNIGHT.

This. ._. Thanks. Okay.

really, God? Give thanks? Those are the verses you'd give to me right now while I'm upset and just so lost? Give thanks for his loving kindness is everlasting. (1st Chronicle 16:34)

This is painful but fine I shall obey. Ugh.

Thank you for this computer that I'm typing on.
Thank you that it has lasted me thus far and accompanied me through the ups and downs of jc life.
Thank you for being so everpresent even when I felt so hurt and so disappointed in people.
Thank you that you allowed reconciliation.
Thank you for the jokes we shared.
Thank you for all the times we poked fun at each other and had so much fun.
Thank you for the memories I had.
Thank you for Koon Han.
Thank you for his little messages that brighten my day, simply by asking how mine went.
Thank you that you have blessed me with such a caring friend.
Thank you for my little clique in JC that they've seen me through everything.
Thank you that in the end, I know everything still turns out okay.
Thank you because I know you bring forgiveness and grace.
Thank you for bringing me to SMU.
Thank you that you've allowed me to adjust so easily to this new environment.
Thank you for the friends you've blessed me with.
Thank you for my bible study group.
Thank you that we look out for each other and pray for each other.
Thank you for putting mentors in my life that inspire me to lead a God-centred life.
Thank you for Ying Jie.
Thank you that you've blessed me with her friendship and company.
Thank you for her direct and straightforwardness.
Thank you for letting her remind me of my oversensitivity.
Thank you that she cares about me.
Thank you for my friends.
Thank you for their patience with me as I continue to irritate them with my spamming.
Thank you for all the smiles they've put on my face.
Thank you that they have brought me such joy in SMU.
Thank you that I matter to you.

It's hard sometimes. So damn tough. I don't know who I am. Where's the joy? Where's the peace?

Why are you angry? Are you? Why? I hate this. Deja vu, damnit. Am I thinking too much again? So many things just running through my head right now. So many doubts. Not sure what to pen down. But at the point of time, I guess it doesn't matter. I guess it shouldn't.

I don't think I was actually giving thanks up there. Ended up just listing and not meaning it although they were all true.

Pissed off at myself these days. Am I really confused and frustrated or am I thinking too much and being an attention whore or something.

What the hell.

If being myself makes me an attention whore, then... crap. I'm such a mess. Maybe I need to take a break.

God. Please help me. Somehow. I'm not helping myself. I have no idea how to get out of this one.

i am an oversensitive idiot. i need to fix this.

argh, shoot me. :((

i should go pray and sleep.

tomorrow will be a better day.

because, seriously?

i mean, really?

ugh. i am dumb. lol. just, aaaaargh. so didn't need this right now. shit. damnit. roaaaaar.

well, well. isn't this feeling familiar? sigh. just, sigh.

i don't know what to say anymore. what am i trying to do. really. what the hell am i thinking. i am very very upset.

i really don't like myself anymore. ahhhhh shit.

tell me again, what am i trying to prove. /facepalm. i'm pissing myself off. i'm pissing people off. what the hell do you want me to do. who do you want me to be?

shit.

Sian. ): Can't focus on mugging ugh. I keep being distracted by my day dreaming and random shizz. Sigh. ):

Had the weirdest dream ever during my 13-hour sleep marathon. I saw THAT look again. Hahahaha. Awkward ttm.

The brain comes up with the weirdest things, seriously. I know though. I know it's over. (:

I like that we're talking again. It's cool.

Moving on can sometimes be the best thing that can happen.

I hope things just get better from here onwards.

I miss my friends, I miss having fun although I've been going out almost too often. I feel like I'm missing something in my life. At first I didn't know what this thing is. But as I type this out, I remember.

What I always neglect. What I always ignore in place of others. But I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like there's nothing more I can do. I do get that feeling at times. Like He's too far, too unattainable and just too unfathomable. Just like how Yun Feng described religion over skating dinner.

I honestly hate exam periods. It's always this time that I feel loneliest. I love it when people are with me. We can not talk at all. We can just study quietly next to each other. I just want people beside me. Not alone like this. )):

Sometimes I struggle with loneliness. Most of the time I like being alone. I love it. Being immersed in my own thoughts and feeling happy and humming to myself. Praying in silence and solitude. But sometimes I'm just raring with energy and I just miss friends. ):

When can I ever find one who can study with me. Hai. Koon han where are you. I miss studying at the school pond and laughing about water monsters with you. ): Sigh.

“For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves.”

SIGH YES. That reminds me of you. Oh darn it. What have I done agaaaaain.

Oh shucks. Sigh you. What on earth shall I do with you. I don't know what else I can do. I don't know what I should do. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But it doesn't matter anymore because perhaps you don't really care.

Ah, what the heck. Why am I even presupposing anything.

Aw shucks.

I'm so terribly excited and happy right nowwwwwww. I don't know why but SMUX Skating is bringing me a lot of joy recently. (: Maybe cause I'm catching up with old friends that I don't really talk much to. Janice, Sylvia, Cheryl, Luke (who knew he was in skating LOL), etc etc. (: Yay. I am happy. I like SMUX actually. Heehee. I love how they always spam. Wheeeee <3 I am totally one of them HAHAHA.

But that being said, I had a great day with Pohhui (: Just catching up and (trying to) do work. Which didn't work in the end cause my laptop ran out of battery and I didn't bring stationery to do work. SIGH. Talk about unproductive.

I feel really jumpy and like hyperactive (as is blatantly obvious from the Facebook newsfeed) but I know it's just restlessness kicking in once again. Oh roar. :(

I don't know. ._. DAMNIT.

Aiyah sigh. I don't know what to do.

On a random happier sidenote, had a great time with my primary one kids today! They damn cute omg. HAHAHAHA. Was trying to make them remember memory verses. They ended up laughing at my miming. Seriously, was it THAT bad!!! Tsk. You guys will thank me for it next week when our class wins!! Hahahah. Bought them hot chocolate and talked about the randomest things like babies biting their foot (._. I know. I have no idea...) and like hamsters. I don't know. LOL. They're freaking cute. Love them to bits. Got them to start out reciting the verses they knew and went on to encourage them to try remembering the others (: They were not bad!! I'm so proud of them! Then we ended off with a super fun soccer game! :D Okay, my team got owned but what the heck, they are INSAAAAAAAANE. Love these guys. I miss teaching them. Hahahaha. Gosh. I really love children. I want my own kids.

SUCKS MAN. Was talking to stupid Mervyn that day. He ah, actually made me anxious that I'll never find a husband. HAHAHA. But seriously. :( Eh, I wna get married lehhhhhhh. Hahahah, so here I am. Trusting fully in God for His providence while I work on being a Proverbs 31 wife. By the way, I'm still damn far away from possessing a beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. LOL. Gentle and quiet, HAI. Y U SO DIFFICULT TO ATTAIN. LOL.

Anyway. (: I am happy with life. Albeit still restless.

Just when it seems everything is getting a lot better, it just doesn't.

#needtostartbeingpositive.

I feel like I'm pushing my luck. :/

Rawr. I hate being restless. Ugh.

Meow. ):

Should stop making weird animal sounds. I just... Aaaaaargh. I don't know how to explain.

Maybe it's cause I haven't eaten dinner. ._. Maybe that's why I feel weird. Oh wells.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy.

I'm not that girl.

When Jesus met her, Sam was running errands and running away from those who knew all about her flaws and failed marriages. Knowing she was running from the very thing that reminded her of her imperfections, Jesus timed it so she would run into Him and find perfect love.

He initiated conversation and asked her for the one thing she had to offer: water. It wasn’t much, but it was a starting point. Sam could have filled her jar and headed back home, returning to her busy day. Yet she stopped and listened. She let Him speak into the broken, hurting, empty places of her heart.

Jesus intentionally met Sam in one of the loneliest parts of her day. And in the same way, He wants to meet us in the midst of our sometimes lonely and often imperfect lives, when our disappointments, pains and failures try to confirm our self-doubts.

Jesus is there waiting for us to come to Him.

He is there when we’re going through the motions, aware of what needs to be done, but unaware of how we’re going to do it.

He is there when we can’t stop criticizing ourselves for blowing it the day before; when we go to work and wonder why we’re even there.

He is there during endless days filled with diapers and laundry, wondering if we’ll ever find meaning in the monotony.

He is there when we come home to an empty house and wonder why we don’t have a family, or come home to a teenager who belittle us and a husband who ignores us.

Jesus sees our hearts and knows the pain of our loneliness, disappointment and rejection. Today He is pursuing us, inviting us to come to Him to receive the perfect love He offers — love that is patient and kind, love that keeps no record of wrongs, love that won’t give up on us.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, will you stop and talk to Him? And then, will you quiet your thoughts so you can listen to His?

(: God is still sovereign, above all. <3

It really doesn't matter how we feel. Even when we feel out of control, He's there to take the reigns and He'll bring us back on the right path.

Let go, let God.

Life is good.

I feel happy.

Need to stop taking things do personally. My friend is just really blunt with the words that's all.

Whee. I am happy. Brothers make me happy. I'm glad I have someone to be retarded with. :D Heehee.

Is it really worth it?

Are you?

November 8, 2011

Belittled
Samantha Reed, Executive Assistant

“The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5b (NIV)

Trapped like a firefly in a Mason jar. Stifled, I peered out, watching others’ dreams and hopes and joys twinkle and fly by my stagnant ones. My own desires sat dusty in my valley of pain.

Little by little, my happy-go-lucky heart flickered. Sadness cupped his hand over what dim light was left as I acknowledged out loud the depths of my disappointment.

Extinguished. Exhausted. Expectant no longer.

“I’m so sorry your dreams are dashed,” my friend offered. “Wish I had known sooner how painful this disappointment has been. Woulda been an honor to walk it out with you.”

“Thanks. But a broken heart is silly. Especially in light of others’ pain.” Our friend’s husband had just passed away; he endured months of heartbreaking illness. Now she endured the grief of his death. Who was I to be sad about a mere breakup? I would not add white noise to the blaring symphony of sorrow around me.

Silenced by self-doubt. Belittled by unworthiness.

I diminished my pain, fearing it insignificant compared to others seemingly more important pain. I belittled my pain and in the process, belittled God’s care about my pain. Healing had been offered, yet I walked away from it, from the One who longed to tend my wounds.

Years of wisdom, scrolls of mercy, flashed in my friend’s eyes.

She took my hand and we journeyed back. Back to a time when she lost two children. Someone told her to check her pain at the door. Keep it in perspective to others’ pain.

She took my hand and we journeyed back. Back to a time when pain was acknowledged and sifted through, not simply tucked in a dark corner. She turned from the pain to the Lord who administered healing from the grief of empty arms and empty cribs.

She took my hand and we journeyed forward. “Don’t belittle your grief. Your pain is genuine. This valley is real. You must acknowledge the Lord is near and accept His help to get out.”

My friend granted permission to feel my ache and loss. Drastically different than her own, yet no less honest. Not till that moment did I realize I’d held my pain at a distance, shunned for perceived absurdity. Petty stuff my broken heart stood certain God didn’t have time to worry about it.

Yet truth resonated in my friend’s words. No one loves us like He can, like He will. No one offers healing like He does. And no one stands as near, willing to catch our tears. So precious, He saves each and every one.

Friend, is it perhaps time to acknowledge your pain? To become aware of the Lord’s care and always-there presence?

The grace of God and of friends in the valley is needed. Counting stars during the long, dark night of our soul is more comforting with others beside us. The first ray of light often is glimpsed by them anyhow. If you are longing for a close companion, pray for one. Perhaps joining a small group, calling an acquaintance for coffee, or helping a neighbor will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

No matter what other voices have said, your pain is valid.

Seasons of pain come. And they also leave. Don’t miss that. Pain is not meant to linger indefinitely. God cares deeply and longs to heal you. No pain is too great … or too little. Often we just need a trusted companion to remind us He is near. He heals. He longs to undo the lid on our Mason jar; release our dreams and hopes and joys. And fly next to us, out of the valley.

Dear Lord, thank You for loving us enough to go through the grief of Your Son, Jesus, dying on the cross. He bore our pain. He knows our pain. He heals our pain. Thank You. In His Name, Amen.

So so so much truth in this. Once again, this was exactly what I did. I tried to look for the stars. I remembered. They were so dim, they weren't there. And I just asked God, why. Where is He. Where's my friend? The one that walks alongside me. Everyone has let me down. I walked home with such a heavy heart. But I don't know. Did it matter? Does it matter? Do I?

I got my answer now. Only you can speak straight to my heart and tell me what I need to know. I'm just awestruck, really. No one, nothing can captivate my heart like You can.

Any pain, any hurts, you have promised to take away. Help me to forgive, just as You in your grace took our sins away. Be with me.

I really really really want to love you more.

Sometimes I think too much.

But I am frustrated.

I need to stop being an idiot and hurting myself with your words.

You don't mean it.

Jesus loves you and He loves me too. And I love you. Whee. Hahaha. I am insane. (:

Need to stop moodswinging perhaps. My moderator tells me to stop believing in the lies. And to believe in the voice of truth instead.

Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades.

Would you ever feel the discouragement I feel? You probably do. Darn my moderator is speaking again. SIGH.

It's honestly not easy for me. You're not making it any easier. Seriously.

I don't know if I made the right choice really. Drats what am I doing.

I really just pray so very hard for some encouragement. Seems like CF and BS is the only things that keep me going nowadays. They're what keeps me happy. What keeps me excited about school. I just don't know anymore. I can't count on you. I wanted to so very much. I don't know if I should hold on to this or just let go. Sometimes you know I feel worthless in your sight. Do you know that I feel judged when I'm with you? Do you even know that your words are so very hurtful and even spiteful at times? ):

I mean it y'know. I do love you so so very much. I want to knock down the fences, why won't you let me through. ):

I feel like I'm nothing to you.

I'm just so so happy nowwwww.

:D Listening to peaceful Christian music and studying at CF corner. Heheheheh.

I am full of joy. R happy with my brewed Apple Tea and goodie bag from IMH. LOL. Heehee, decided to be jew and got a bag full of sweets. <3 Teeheeheehee.

Life is good. Hehehe.

Shaddup, I am not moodswinging.

I am just overjoyed. Wheeeeee.

Aw shucks. Sometimes I have too much feelings. Oh how I wish it could stop affecting me so. >:(

So many lies. Not being good enough. Or funny enough. So much self doubt. Why do I feel like I'm left behind.

For the first time I feel scared of the second semester. Sian, even. So many what ifs.

I feel so lost. Was just wandering around the library. Wandered around SMU. Wandered around the mrt station. Gosh. What am I doing? What do I want?

I have no idea. Just this whole feeling of being out of touch with life.

I woke up half way through last night. I was so afraid. Just of being alone. I guess that's my worst fear I guess. No one loving me and having no one to love. There's these temporary moments of fleeting happiness. It comes and it goes. It's there one minute and gone the next.

Life seems like nothing sometimes. Not nothing but, of a certain wispiness? Hahaha it's here then it's gone.

Then there will always come a point when you remember that there's so much more.

Sure, that happiness I feel when I bought everything I wanted during my shopping trip.

Sure, that happiness as I snuggle up with my parents watching tv and making fun of Joshua.

Sure, that happiness when I'm surrounded by friends and they're laughing at my jokes.

It all boils down to this: It doesn't matter. They don't matter.

Found in Your hands,
Fullness of Joy.
Every fear,
Suddenly wiped away.
Here in Your presence.

All of my gains, now fade away.
Every crown no longer on display.
Here in Your presence.

How's my heart doing with God today? How is my walk with Him going?

I must say, not very well.

Every morning I wake without remembering to meditate on what He has to say.

Every meal, every gift, every small thing. I take it without appreciating it for what it is. What God has done that I might be blessed so.

This unhappiness I feel. This sense of being lost and alone in the midst of the crowd. It's true. I am not satisfied with this life. How utterly mediocre.

Living life without Jesus in my heart, without Him in my mind every moment is one more minute less of being joyful. I really want to seek Him more, His peace and His calm assurance in my life.

I KNOW that I am enough. I know I am good. Because Jesus, He made me so. It is only by His power.

Sigh I struggle so much. Cause I keep turning away. I keep getting distracted. I want someone who will pray with me, who will walk with me. Is that possible? I know theoretically I only need God. But He also says I need fellowship. I think I lack this.

Shucks my blister hurts. New shoes. I've been walking too much too far without a proper direction. I've been a wanderer for too long.

I need to go back. Literally. Cause I just ignores my bras basah stop and went on to Nicoll highway station.

Dear Father bring me back to You. Help me dwell in You every day and every night. Let me stand firm and reach out to others. Not walk there and get as lost and as distracted as everyone else.

Be my mrt train. Take me back to when I was joyful. When I was able to see what I had and be grateful for everything.

Sing to me again, that little thankfulness song I sang as a child.

I thank God for this day,
For the sun in the sky,
For my mum and my dad
For my piece of apple pie,
For our home on the ground,
For His love that's all around.
That's why I say thanks everyday!

Because a thankful heart
Is a happy heart.
I'm glad for what I have
That's an easy way to start!
For the love that He shares,
Cause He listens to my prayers.
That's why I say thanks everyday! <3

talk about being stubborn, lol. guess i'm not the only one.

i really have no idea what to do.

Meowwwww yay I r so happy tonight!!! :D

Went for Astons with my family at the store that just opened opposite my house Heheheh. Awesome!!!! Yez.

Then went shopping with my mum. <3 Pretty stuffs. Pretty bag omg. Coral. Favorite colour!!! R super contented and happy. I am so blessed.

Slept my whole day away today. Stupid headache. :/ Keep getting them though ugh.

On a side note TWC meeting cancelled hehe. Shall still try to wake up early and go school though. (: Saw a post today. MUGSTRONG. Pain is temporary. GPA is forever. HAHAHA.

I am really happy with my new bag. It's so cute. (: I love that I had efficient shopping today.

Talked to my mum too. About my life and her life and our lives. (:

Talked about school friends. Shall let them meet my mum sometime.

Talked about food!!!!

How is it that life can be so good. <3

On a side note though, I'd like to take time to pray for another friend who is SADDDD. ): I pray that joy may be restored to my friend. That my friend can look back and remember the good times and be thankful that it happened. (: That my friend had the wonderful experience of being allowed to love someone so deeply. Must be really amazing. I can't imagine. If loving my friends already brings me so much joy and laughter, how much more your companion? Hm I pray for healing wounds and the strength to push through. I mean, thinking too much about it isn't good right?

I remember the period I was trying to move on was painful. :/ In fact sometimes I still remember and regret stuff. But I guess life will get better. New people will come into your life. And if you allow them, they can still be the bright spots of your life. <3

Oh ya. Okay so I pray for hope!! I pray for hope for the future, that my friend will not always be stuck in the past. It's great that my friend has been trying to be actively involved though. (: Stuff that make you happy. That's good I guess. I pray for joy and peace so that my friend will focus more on the little things in life. The small joys of living. And just feel so do blessed about it. (:

Oh well. Alright that's all then! :D

Thank you for your goodness to me. (:

Yay. Okay, so its 2.44am and I should've used my time in the afternoon more productively... On the other hand, I slept in and had a good time so not complaining :D

Quite an awesome day. Heehee, feeling so happy and content with everything. Even now, listening to the sound of the rain falling outside my window. Sigh, life is so good. (:

On the other hand, I clarified and made things very clear. Okay so maybe not very. My brain wasn't in the perfect condition to do anything as high level as that. But at least I put across a vague message. (: So happy too that I got the answer I wanted. And now just to set and maintain boundaries and everything will be fine. (:

SIGH. But also I'm reminded of something else. Seriously you know. I am clueless as to what to do. I need to tell you this somehow without you being defensive about your situation but yet if I don't approach it directly, you're probably just gonna brush me away and I need you to know this! ._. If not you'll definitely face a lot of challenges in the future. I'm not sure if its my place to say this but I've experienced a wide range of your responses and sometimes it really hurt y'know. But I love you so I didn't say anything and just swallowed it for KIV. Hahahaha.

Now I'm thinking that in love, I should be telling you and 'scolding' you since that's the approach you adopt to get stuff into people's heads anyway. HAHAHA, I doubt telling you gently or subtly hinting is gonna do any difference. Yet you should know I'm not one to be harsh. Oh well. What can I do.

Hello God. Please help me to love the people around me wholeheartedly with the unconditional love you yourself love us with. Help me to clearly draw the boundaries and the lines so that we will be able to keep our friendship going. I know that this might be clearly disadvantageous but I pray that I'll be able to prioritize you above everything. I believe that you will not let me go as long as I don't. Okay so I entrust this to your mighty hands. (:

And also, help me to tell your truth in love. Give me mentors and guidance in speaking in such a way that will hit right into the heart of matters. But I also pray for sensitivity and compassion as I go about loving my friend. I really wish that I could reach my friend and knock down the fences but obviously it will take a long time. I can tell that it is difficult for my friend to let their guard down. Good fences make good neighbours after all. But I know that this is not what you want in a church, between two of your beloved children. I pray for breakthrough and transparency in the relationship. Please God, teach me how I can love my friends better.

For another friend, I pray for strength. For now, I pray for comfort and peace. It is a difficult time and with the mounting workload and crazy intenseness of school, must be quite a handle. I pray that my friend will not just go numb, but give my friend the courage to face the truth and to keep pressing on nevertheless. Show your love to my friend, impress the calm assurance of your presence that my friend might come to know you. I pray for more strength, Father and more comfort.

In Jesus' mighty great awesome name I pray. Amen.

Thank you God for being my closest friend. <3 I do love you so.

I feel so happy.

Slept at 7pm yesterday (skipped aikido cause I was feeling dizzy and abit loopy already) then woke up at 3am feeling happy and energized. Like, I remember I was saying to myself, 'I'm gna get so much done before my meeting at 9!!!' Then I bounced around and bounced into my parents' room. And huddled for a while.

And a while stretched to a few hours. Woke up like 4 hours later, late for project meeting. :( PFFT. I was so upset. Made 3 people unhappy with me. SIGH. Then I counted that I made another 4 people unhappy because I didn't wake up on time. Gosh. ._. The whole morning was like downspiraling all the way.

And I had to rush to school to pass Yingjie something. SIGH. Was super quiet in the bus with Luke and Charmaine lah. I think they thought I was tired again or something. Hahaha.

Anyways, then met sister Debra. :D V v v v excited for our OCSP. :D I really pray this turns out well!!!!! :D How utterly exciting. I'm so hyped up for it. Slightly anxious about the leadership thing though. I've always done well as the co-leader. But this time not so sure what's expected.

Alrighty. But it was just so so so exciting. :D And happy.

THEN JETHRO TRICKED ME. Okay lol nvm. Not really lah. Hahahaha, I like to bully him and make him feel guilty, oops. :P But yes. I didn't hear him say that his friends were there. I thought I was the one accompanying him for dinner when it ended up being the opposite. Like a fail. I thought I was being a helpful friend who didn't abandon him. LOL. I was super confused. OH WELLS. I love highing with Jethro though.

V cool that we can clique well. Hahahaha, so happy I found my highing partner in SMU. We're like insane lah.

Anyways so went home and went jogging!!! Left house with Dad. And went ahead first cause of his slight injury at his ankle. Then when I jog one round, I met him on the way back. He was with Joshua and telling army stories. AIYO. How cute lah. But they're supposed to be jogging!!!! Tsk.

But I feel happy cause idk. Feel fit. And just feel happy. OH OH. BEST PART. After jogging and bathing, got a super long massage and back rub from dad. :D He say my muscles v tense. But super shiok!!! :D I r pampered kid I know. Heehee. Then I gave him like a 10 minute massage then my hands pain. Like a cui. Hahahah. Yay, I love my family so so much. (:

God has blessed me with so much joy in my life. I really, don't know how to deal with so much contentment. I feel so so blessed. (:

Life is amazing. And God, more so.

God is amazing. :D

I've been tested several times already. The normal times of the day when I'd feel sad or supposed to feel sad, I wasn't! I just felt this unwavering peace, knowing that I can trust in God for everything.

I love that Boundless is forever still relevant to my life. That it always answers my questions. Imprisoned Joy (Part 1/Part 2) really made me see how it was possible to BE miserable and yet attain JOY. :D

Just like what I learned during CF yesterday, you're having one foot on the old punt and your other on the new punt. If you try to straddle the two, you know by the forces of physics your feet would gradually separate and you'd be going for an unwanted swim. Beware to those who can't swim! I need to learn to let go of the old punt and move on. I need to look forward and never look back on the old world.

I realized I will never give up on Jesus Christ. After everything we've gone through together, the number of times He has touched my heart and spoken to me, I can never let this precious precious relationship go. Honestly. I must NEVER ever do so for anything, or anybody.

I want Jesus to be the center of my life. I want Jesus to be the center of my husband's life too. And finally I want my family life to revolve around Him too. I pray for my children to be able to see His love and grace and what He has done for us, that they'll experience the liberation of being His child, that together we may grow as a family, serving God with love and adoration.

God is really awesome. Only He is awesome.

Jesus Christ, will you be the center of my life again?

I really need you back. I know I cannot put my hope in things of this world for surely they will disappoint. Only you will never disappoint. For you love me and you are the same yesterday, today and forever.

Draw me close to you. Never let me go.

Lol. No it didn't.

Ah screw this.

I don't know why I feel like this. But I hate it. I feel like running. I wonder if it's safe enough to venture out.

Close your eyes. Make a wish. Perhaps this time it'll work.

I feel so super freaking sian now seriously. :(

Why like that. Roarrrrrrr. Feel so irritated and nauseous. Ugh. Mai head r throbbing. SIGH. Feel annoyed with school. Really.

Didn't get my bid for Stats. >:( LTK and PF super sold out seriously. WHY THE HECK PEOPLE SPOIL MARKET. ._.

Anyway, guess that means I have to bid again.

Today really isn't my day ugh. Okay nvm. Cannot think this way. SIGH BUT. Sian. I suddenly missing JC people. :( Cedar people.

I hate how everything is so shortlived here.

Whatever.

I need to grow up lol.