Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs.
what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.
in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.
so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.
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Saturday, October 29,8:22 PM
Current happy place is now being blackmarked. >:( No longer happy. Shall find somewhere else nvm. I've got four years to do that.
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7:44 PM
Wow. It's my 444th post. Hahahaha. Okay. Feeling quite happy and content. Still looking for a happy corner :X This table is shaky and far away from the seat, how utterly uncomfortable. On the other hand, I've got an entire coffee/tea machine right in front of me! TEH AWESOMENESS. :D Hahahaha, I'm just crazy addicted to Pizza Place. Third time I've been there. Shall keep going back yay. I think I'm happy. I think I'm rather happy in SMU. I think so. "Good fences make good neighbours." - Mending Wall by Robert Frost Where shall I go from here I have no idea. Just let me finish this semester and I'll sort everything out. I'll sort out who I want to be. Just give me a few more weeks to assess how this is going. Then I'll see. So many things I do not know, but one thing I know is that God is with me wherever I am, He is always there. He gives me a sweet peace, a gentle chill and I just know how much He loves me. How close He is to me. I know I'm happy here. I know I'm happy in God. I know so. :D Draw me close to You, Never let me go, I'll lay it all down again to hear You say that I'm Your friend. <3 Please always always be with me. Through all the seasons and changes, be my constant. I never ever expect it to last. Nothing lasts. I saw it coming. It doesn't matter. It will be okay. And You shall be my joy, my strength. I love what I'm feeling now. I really do. Okay, now that I'm soaking in this atmosphere, I shall need to uh, do some work. HAHAHAHAHAH. Haven't been doing any since forever. I don't know what I'm doing lah. Yes, but I shall finish AW by today. :P
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Friday, October 28,12:38 AM
ohai. i don't know what to do. addictions are bad. but yes, r happy. idk. but anyway I just realized. Yet another confused one. Damnit. Once bitten, twice shy.
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Thursday, October 27,9:00 PM
Why is this so difficult. :X I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me. I just feel so depressed by everything. I'm just like moping around and looking for something. I still feel like I'm nothing. I still feel like no one likes me. No one cares. The entire day I just felt sidelined. I felt alone. I couldn't get back on track. I just. Felt depressed actually. Okay I wasn't really sidelined. I remember Bible Study and that was fun. But other than that, just the feeling of being forgotten. Of being abandoned. Who am I to deserve anything? I'm nobody. It's so difficult to get your act right. To find your way home cause it's been so long since you've taken that path. So so difficult. And then I come home early. Skipped TWC today, skipped Aikido. Feel terrible. Went home, moped around for an hour or two. Finally turned on my computer and read this devotion: 27 Oct 2011
October 27, 2011
You Don’t Like Me
Lysa TerKeurst
“Do not be anxious about anything…” Philippians 4:6 (ESV)
“You are not liked.”
“Who are you to think you could do that?”
“Why did you say that? Everyone thinks you’re annoying.”
“Your kids just illustrated every inadequacy you have as a mom.”
“You are invisible.”
Have you ever been taunted by these thoughts? I have. Why do we let such destructive words fall hard on our souls? Toxic thoughts are so dangerous because they leave no room for truth to flourish. And in the absence of truth, lies reign.
The other day I was discussing something with my husband and I said, “I know you think I’m being annoying and overly protective about this but…”
He stopped me and said, “How do you know that’s what I’m thinking? Please don’t hold me liable for saying things that are really only thoughts in your mind.”
Wow. He’s so right. He hadn’t said those things. I was assuming he was thinking them and operating as if those toxic thoughts were reality.
I think we girls do this way too often. People aren’t thinking about us and assessing us nearly as much as we think they are.
As Christian women we should hold our thoughts to a higher standard. How dare these run away thoughts be allowed to simply parade about as if they are true and manipulate us into feeling insecure, inadequate, and misunderstood! Oh how much trouble we invite into our lives based on assumptions. We are instructed:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6-9 NIV 1984)
This is probably a verse you’ve read before. But, have you thought of applying it to your every thought…especially the toxic ones?
We are to think on, ponder and park our minds on constructive thoughts—not destructive thoughts. Thoughts that build up not tear down. Thoughts that breathe life not drain the life from us. Thoughts that lead to goodness not anxiety.
So, here are three questions we’d do well to ask ourselves when thoughts are dragging us down.
1. Did someone actually say this or am I assuming they are thinking it?
If they actually said it, deal with it then. If I’m assuming it, that’s unfair to them and unnecessarily damaging to me. Instead of staying anxious, I need to seek truth by seeking God and asking Him for peace.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
2. Have I been actively engaging with truth lately?
The more we read God’s truths and let truth fill our mind, the less time we’ll spend contemplating untruths.
Thinking run-away, worrisome thoughts invites anxiety. Thinking thoughts of truth wraps my mind in peace and helps me rise above my circumstances.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
3. Are certain situations or friendships feeding my insecurities?
If so, maybe I need to take a break from these for a season.
I need to seek friendships that are characterized by truth, honor, and love.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Good gracious I know this is tough stuff. I know these issues can be more complicated than three simple questions. But it’s a good place to start holding our thoughts accountable.
After all, how a woman thinks is often how she lives.
I think we need to read that one again, don’t you? How a woman thinks is often how she lives. May we think upon and live out truth—and only truth today.
Dear Lord, reveal to me untruths throughout my day that can so easily distract and discourage me. Help me see You and Your truth in all I do. You have taught that only Your truth will set me free. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. And it just made me cry so bad. This. Exactly this. ._. I feel exactly that. And its just so amazing how apt it is for me. Just, super amazing.
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7:15 PM
And so it starts. The test of faith. Not knowing what's ahead. Not knowing who I'll meet. Just trusting God to bring me through it all. It's about time anyway. Time to go back. Time to return. I'm feeding with the swines. Their food does not satisfy me. I need my Father's embrace.
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1:14 AM
26 Oct 2011“And he said, ‘Who told you that you were naked?…’” Genesis 3:11a (NIV)
Do you ever ask yourself: What’s wrong with me? One day I noticed how many times I do. When I lose my keys, when I’m mean to my husband, when I don’t keep a commitment, when I’m late for a meeting, when I yell at my kids, when I forget to do something important—the list goes on. It dawned on me that every time I asked, “What’s wrong with me?” I was actually telling myself something was wrong with me. Then I would try to figure out my elusive fault so I could change it. I realized what I needed to change was the way I talked to myself. I didn’t want to keep convincing myself something was wrong with me every time I asked, What is wrong with me? That’s not what God wants us doing to ourselves. However, we have an enemy who loves to cast the shadow of self-doubt over us. He tries to get us to focus on all that is wrong with us (real or perceived), instead of anything that is right with us. Scripture tells us that when Satan lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44). The word lie means a falsehood with the intent to deceive. Satan intends to deceive our hearts by getting us to take our eyes off of who we are in Christ and focus on our flaws—then spend our days figuring out how we can hide them. One of his goals is to get us to believe lies that leave us feeling inadequate and unsure of ourselves. It’s just what he did with Eve in the garden. In fact, I wonder if Eve might have thought, What’s wrong with me? when she became aware of her inadequacy. Then the eyes of both [Adam and Eve] were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden…and they hid from the LORD God…But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Gen. 3:7-10, NIV 1984) In verse 11 God responds with a question, asking Adam who told them they were naked. In other words, “Who told you that something is wrong with you?” By asking this, God acknowledged there was someone casting shame on them—and it wasn’t Him. I believe He wanted them to be aware of their enemy who was whispering lies into their hearts, causing them to move away from Him and from each other. God also wants us to be aware that we have an enemy who is constantly trying to convince us that we’re inadequate and that something is wrong with us. Sadly, we often go along with Satan’s lies and live like they are true. Rarely do we stop to ask, “Who is saying these things? Who is causing me to doubt myself? Is it me? Is there something from my past that led me to believe this? Or is it the enemy of my soul disguising his voice as my own?” But we can change that today. First, we need to realize Satan’s schemes are the same for us as they were for Eve. Second, we need to determine we are not going to keep falling into his traps. Instead we can refute his lies and accusations with truth. If we have put our trust in Christ as our Savior, we can stand on these promises: • When we feel defeated, God says, “In all these things [you] are more than [a conqueror] through him who loved [you]…” (Rom. 8:37, NIV) • When we feel worthless, God says, “You are precious and honored in my sight, and . . . I love you.” (Isa. 43:4, NIV) • When we feel inadequate, God says, “‘You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, ‘and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.’” (Isa. 43:10, NIV) Lord, help me recognize the enemy’s accusations and my own self-doubts. Please remind me of Your unconditional love and help me turn away from the lies so I can listen to and live in Your Truth! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
God is awesome. Seriously. I don't know what to say. This devotion, it just speaks straight to me. I'm feeling exactly this. Inadequate. Not enough. These were the words I've been using all day long to describe how I feel after every TWC meeting. I feel like I can't match up. And I've just been feeling lousy about who I am. But gosh. God really knows how I feel.
Even though I've been so extremely distracted. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. :X I just want to be happy. ._. But I guess only you will know what'll make me happy forever. I really don't want to defy you. Sorry for being distracted. I have no idea what's happening now. Sianed ttm.
I feel happy but its always so shortlived. Father, please stay with me again so that I may keep your peace and your joy. May your sweet presence be my strength in everyday of my life so that no matter what people say, I'll be confident in who I am in you, how much I am worth in your eyes.
Thank you for always drawing me back to you. Thank you that I mean so much to you that you'd do that. <3 Thank you Father for always being there. I also want to love you Father. Teach me to love you.
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12:59 AM
26 Oct 2011“And he said, ‘Who told you that you were naked?…’” Genesis 3:11a (NIV)
Do you ever ask yourself: What’s wrong with me? One day I noticed how many times I do. When I lose my keys, when I’m mean to my husband, when I don’t keep a commitment, when I’m late for a meeting, when I yell at my kids, when I forget to do something important—the list goes on. It dawned on me that every time I asked, “What’s wrong with me?” I was actually telling myself something was wrong with me. Then I would try to figure out my elusive fault so I could change it. I realized what I needed to change was the way I talked to myself. I didn’t want to keep convincing myself something was wrong with me every time I asked, What is wrong with me? That’s not what God wants us doing to ourselves. However, we have an enemy who loves to cast the shadow of self-doubt over us. He tries to get us to focus on all that is wrong with us (real or perceived), instead of anything that is right with us. Scripture tells us that when Satan lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44). The word lie means a falsehood with the intent to deceive. Satan intends to deceive our hearts by getting us to take our eyes off of who we are in Christ and focus on our flaws—then spend our days figuring out how we can hide them. One of his goals is to get us to believe lies that leave us feeling inadequate and unsure of ourselves. It’s just what he did with Eve in the garden. In fact, I wonder if Eve might have thought, What’s wrong with me? when she became aware of her inadequacy. Then the eyes of both [Adam and Eve] were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden…and they hid from the LORD God…But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Gen. 3:7-10, NIV 1984) In verse 11 God responds with a question, asking Adam who told them they were naked. In other words, “Who told you that something is wrong with you?” By asking this, God acknowledged there was someone casting shame on them—and it wasn’t Him. I believe He wanted them to be aware of their enemy who was whispering lies into their hearts, causing them to move away from Him and from each other. God also wants us to be aware that we have an enemy who is constantly trying to convince us that we’re inadequate and that something is wrong with us. Sadly, we often go along with Satan’s lies and live like they are true. Rarely do we stop to ask, “Who is saying these things? Who is causing me to doubt myself? Is it me? Is there something from my past that led me to believe this? Or is it the enemy of my soul disguising his voice as my own?” But we can change that today. First, we need to realize Satan’s schemes are the same for us as they were for Eve. Second, we need to determine we are not going to keep falling into his traps. Instead we can refute his lies and accusations with truth. If we have put our trust in Christ as our Savior, we can stand on these promises: • When we feel defeated, God says, “In all these things [you] are more than [a conqueror] through him who loved [you]…” (Rom. 8:37, NIV) • When we feel worthless, God says, “You are precious and honored in my sight, and . . . I love you.” (Isa. 43:4, NIV) • When we feel inadequate, God says, “‘You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, ‘and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.’” (Isa. 43:10, NIV) Lord, help me recognize the enemy’s accusations and my own self-doubts. Please remind me of Your unconditional love and help me turn away from the lies so I can listen to and live in Your Truth! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
God is awesome. Seriously. I don't know what to say. This devotion, it just speaks straight to me. I'm feeling exactly this. Inadequate. Not enough. These were the words I've been using all day long to describe how I feel after every TWC meeting. I feel like I can't match up. And I've just been feeling lousy about who I am. But gosh. God really knows how I feel.
Even though I've been so extremely distracted. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. :X I just want to be happy. ._. But I guess only you will know what'll make me happy forever. I really don't want to defy you. Sorry for being distracted. I have no idea what's happening now. Sianed ttm.
I feel happy but its always so shortlived. Father, please stay with me again so that I may keep your peace and your joy. May your sweet presence be my strength in everyday of my life so that no matter what people say, I'll be confident in who I am in you, how much I am worth in your eyes.
Thank you for always drawing me back to you. Thank you that I mean so much to you that you'd do that. <3 Thank you Father for always being there. I also want to love you Father. Teach me to love you.
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Wednesday, October 26,4:52 PM
Seriously. I totally thoroughly hate TWC. Pissed off. Frustrated. Irritated. I come out of every meeting feeling inadequate. Guess its good to be grouped with overachievers. But I just cannot fathom how I should work with them. Awkward ttm. Can never be myself. :X Sigh. Idk what else to do next. ): Just feeling like a total failure right now.
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1:13 AM
Seriously. Do you know what you're doing. >:( Damnit.
You have no clue, really. Ugh. What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say themI keep falling back into the same patterns, same routine. This is going down a familiar road. Nevermind. On another note, today was a good day. I had a great day with my LTB groupmates. Despite our valiant efforts to make morning calls to each other and all, alas we were still unable to beat the hands of time and make it early for our meeting. Hahahaha. You guys mean so much to me, really. You all will probably not see this. But all the laughter, all the fun times. I will never forget. I really feel like a part of the team, a part of our LTB family. Hahahaha, Amanda and her maternalness... Telling EngKiat to go home to rest and he blatantly refusing to... Lucas being the irritating pest and always disturbing me about TA omg. Seriously!!!! DAMN FREAKING OBVIOUS ARGH. Hahahaha but yes, he's our textbook seriously. He can just write the next edition. He memorizes EVERYTHING. And also Vivian, learning from Lucas seriously!!!! :( Hahahaha! But yes, Ian. The super awesome sosci guy who is the nicest seriously. Almost always keeping silent and not bullying me. (: Daewon, who I always run to for distraction when the other guys are teasing me. Hahahaha, he and his military cucumber story. Awesomeness, seriously. Last but not least, Qabir. The one who is actually a super nice guy under a mean exterior under a nice exterior? Omg idk what he was talking about. But yes, the guy who knows how to moderate his teasing. And also the one who always try to convince the team that I'm a closet alcoholic and clubber. HAHAHAHAHA. Yes and the one who loves to try and kill the rest of us by suggesting a double deg in law. Hahahaha. But yes, awesomest team ever. <3 I will miss them forever. Hahahaha. I do hope I'll still see them around (with the exception of Daewon though. :X) I really do love each one of them and their funny ways. Hahahaha, They contributed to the success of this team. No matter what grade we get, I really feel that the friendship we built, the good memories we have is worth every single minute. We were awesome. We owned it all. Sigh, moving on to a new term. So fast. I'm so glad that TWC is over. Don't really like it. But yes I'll miss Blaw. WARREN CHIK AND HIS FUNKY DRESSING OMG. ._. Hahahahahahahahaha. Shucks, I'll miss LTB SOOOOOO MUCH. LOL. Lastly, AW. Really. The people I meet there are really nice. I'm so happy that I found a close friend in Jethro. We're just so similar in character and personality. Our outlook in life is so similar lah! With the exception of religion and the rationality of love. Hahahahah, he's really the elder brother I always wished I had. The one who really talks to you about life and shares his life with you. Thank you teapot. I'm really so thankful that I met you. And for the invention of Whatsapp. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. It was fun trying to make each other awkward and keeping score. I hope we can still continue being good friends all through university and life. I pray that no matter what problems or conflicts arises, that our determination to see our friendship through will be able to overcome them. Okay that's all for tonight I guess.
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Sunday, October 23,6:34 PM
I am frustrated and irritated.
Why the hell is there such a fuss over such a small thing like a cup of half-finished bubble tea worth $1.80. Seriously.
Someone told me to throw it and so I did. It was squashed up into the side door of the car, of course people would assume that the drinker wouldn't want it anymore. Who knew that Joshua would want it? Like seriously, wth. How would I know that I'm expected to bring it up for him and dump it into the fridge. The ice would melt and the drink would taste gross anyway what.
And I just got majorly scolded for that. What not taking care of my brother. What being spiteful towards him seriously. Writing this just pisses me off and makes me so upset. They somehow deduced from there that I don't spend money wisely cause I said it's just a half-finished cup of drink worth less than $1.80! What the. Then they started saying how I got too much money now. WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS. Slippery slope, I swear. ARGH.
But I'm so frustrated. When they accuse me of so many things at once of course I'd get defensive and upset. Why would I intentionally do this to Joshua? I mean, I love him so much la. Why would I want to make him sad. But obviously, who knew what he wanted me to do with it lah. ._. He didn't even tell me to put it into the fridge for him. And I'm just supposed to ASSUME that?!?! Oh what on earth.
It's been such a long time since I've felt angry and disappointed at my family. And its seriously stupid. Such a small matter. Sigh.
And I am retarded. There I was, sobbing into my pillow and thinking how I can show my anger at my family. HAHAHA. Ignore them and not talk for a few weeks. Refuse to come out of my room. Delete my Facebook and all forms of communications. LOL. Okay I r retarded. Then later I realized that I'll never do it la please...
Sigh, so upset though honestly. Why are they so angry!!!! How am I to know... I mean, it IS just a cup of bubble tea right? ._. What's the big deal. Just make another drink or something!!! I don't know. ._.
Obviously I would never do it to Joshua right. I mean he's like so cute. And nice. And gentlemanly. (By the way he recently took to carrying stuff for me cause he claims he's a gentleman) HAHAHA HOW CUTE RIGHT. <3 Sigh.
Just so tired of it all. SO MANY SMALL MATTERS. -.- Why must you go pick everything up and go fight with all of us! It just spoils the atmosphere and roar, makes people upset. Why is there this contention.
You know I love our family. It's very clear. I do. Can you just not try to nitpick all the small issues? Seriously.
And right now, I just hear that voice scolding someone again. >:( What the heck.
AIYAH. WAI LIKE THAT. :(
So much frustration now. I don't know what I'm doing. Like seriously. I know later I'll just go apologize and make everything right again. And feel bad about ranting here. Which reminds me. Ah, what the hell. Does it seriously matter? There's always this self-moderation. You'll never be able to really fully do what you really want to do.
I just. Argh. Help me.
Sorry. I know I need to moderate my life by your standards and it's the best thing for me. And in the end I'll be glad that I didn't make any rash decisions and destroy any relationships. But right now when I'm feeling the pressure and the frustration and all the emotions, ITS JUST FREAKING DIFFICULT AND IRRITATING ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like ignoring your commandment to honor our parents. I feel like just heck-caring anything. Snapping back at everyone. >:( But what's the point. You know you'll regret it later. Meh.
I am totally monologuing HAHAHAHA. Oh wells. Okay la, at least I'm done ranting and I'm no longer upset. Sian. I hate crying leh. >:( Like some weak person. Need to stop crying everytime I'm upset. Doesn't make any sense. Okay wait, what am I talking about. Oh sian. Idk.
I feel like going out of the house though. Feel v restricted here. But I don't know where else to go. I love my home. I love the people in it. I love the food in it. (Hehehehehe.)
I need to do my AW. :( I have a Bizlaw presentation tmr. Crap. ._.
I miss talking nonsense to Koonz. I hope we go out again soon. It's fun to be retarded. Hahahaha. Yay my lil' bro bro. Make me smile. :D
I'm v happy nao. I like my friends. They make me happy. I mean, those that do at least.
Some make me feel upset. :/ Ah what the heck.
I miss my JC friends. :( Wai dei sou faaaaaaaaah. :(
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Tuesday, October 18,1:59 PM
I r upset. >:( Sianzxzxzxzxzxzxzx. Wai.
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Sunday, October 16,1:04 AM
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?
i saw it coming, whee. freaking retarded, seriously. ._.
v happy. my parents are back today. i feel like today's awesome. just really, so blessed with so much. but just a little tinge of irony too. :/ that description sounds familiar. hahaha. aiya, what's the point. just leave things as they are and trust God. (:
Hahahaha. I r happy kidz. Tomz I'm gna be seeing my kiddos. <3 Wheeee, for XLB. YES!!!! Can't wait. It's gna be such an awesome day that I'll just forget about that small nick of frustration. ._.
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper.
Yay I love this song. :D Hahahahahahah, I love the way they sing the song. It's as if her voice is really that fragile, hahaha!
Oooooh, it's Koonz birthdayz onz ze Wed!! Imma meet him Monday. Shucks, miss him la. Hahaha, we really have become a lot of closer and it's so much easier to talk to him. Whee. My uh, second closest guy friend (cgf).
I always find that its easier to have guy bestfriends. I mean, seriously. As long as you make it clear that it's a friendship and draw the lines. (: Yay.
I hope it works out though. Hope I didn't offend my cgf today.
Okayz, tum too doo Bizlaw!! :D
On a side note, Lookey r cowz. Big fat sleepy cow. Hahahahahahahah.
God has blessed me with such good friends. <3
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Monday, October 10,1:15 AM
Who do you think you are.
#emosong.
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12:10 AM
whee. just went jogging today! :D with bro. i like how i was able to do what i said! okay i jogged like super cui. :/ like 10min for 1.6km. :( oops. hahah then ran to j8 whether we popped by macs to take an ice cream. HEHEH. gained back all the calories we lost from running. :P
ohwells. it's the end of recess week. ._. i feel kinda screwed ROAR.
i can't believe i'm back to studying again. back to meeting deadlines. sigh. frustrated, extremely. i wna get outttttt. hahahaha. i need to stop studying in school. anyone wna go out to study with me? haha.
whatever. no one's gna read this anyway.
Say the word and I will sing for You
Over oceans deep, I will follow
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind, praise
It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You i like this song. i need to live it out. (: help me to in this coming week, as i face this whole avalanche of insanity.
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Sunday, October 9,2:43 AM
what on earth?
nevermind.
So POTATO outing!!! :D Awesome ttm. Miss these retards. Hahahahahah, there's always someone suaning someone else. Funny. Was great meeting them. Longest lasting Ycamp group!!! <3 We r awsum. :D
I'm happy nao. Sometimes I feel so very blessed. With so much friends and a great family. I feel like there's just too much. Sometimes I just want to give everybody a hug. I want to bless everyone with a smile, with a listening ear.
._. Speaking of that. I just pray for strength, whatever it is that happened. In times of pain and sorrow, be there. Draw close, draw near. Let them know Your presence, God. Give them a hope. Dear Father, if it is Your will, save him and give him life. Be so very very real in their lives. Be there.
And at the same time, be in mine as well. I'm still floundering around, haha. Having fun and trying to do stuffs. But I still haven't submitted myself fully to you. :( It's difficult and it's just too tempting to go back to my old self. How is it that I can be a new creation, when I'm like a cui. Roar.
Help us to trust you. Trust you in your providence and your never-ending flow of blessings. Trust you in your will for my life. I want you to reign, this is my choice. So please, help me.
You know who I am, what I want and what I need. If you think it is good for me, lead me to it.
I just... I know, I shouldn't. :/ But it makes me happy! Sigh. It's fun!!! Meow. Hahahaha. Omg.
I miss you two. Come back soon!!! I hate coming home to an empty quiet dark house. I hate having no one to hug. I hate it that no one cares if I'm not home by 12. I hate it that I don't have anyone to rant to when I feel bored or lonely. I hate that you are so far away. I hate that you take so long to reply emails. >:( Father, please protect them and keep them safe. Have mercy on them and restore them to health! I pray for love and joy to flood their trip so they experience your amazingness everyday!
I do recall now the smell of the rain, fresh off the pavement. You ran off the plane, that July 9th the beat of your heart it jumps through your shirt. I can still feel your arms.
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Thursday, October 6,6:32 AM
Cramps suck. ): Ughhhhhh. I just wna go home naoz. At OCSP chalet by the way. Hahahahaha was super fun, what with sneaking into our Karaoke room in the clubhouse (not free meh!) and being crazy and high. :D Whee we rock. Hahaha and once again cramps suck. Like seriously.
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Wednesday, October 5,12:42 AM
I need someone to give me a slap. Like seriously.
._. I dunno.
Anyway today was fun! :D Yay, me likey CF-ers. Even with their scammingness >:( Made me think that the year 1 was year 4 and vice versa. SJP!!!
Aiya, I really dk what I'm doing. Whatever. I'm confused.
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Tuesday, October 4,11:28 PM
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12:08 AM
I'm really falling back into the same pattern. It always starts with reliance. ._.
But I do know I can't let this go anywhere. It must stay here, at the same spot and forever. I hope it does.
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Monday, October 3,11:59 PM
This is kinda bad. I can't believe I'm doing the same thing over. ._.
Shucks.
I thought I would've learnt from my lesson. But now I've got this sense of deja vu. :(
Anyway, I swear this wouldn't go anywhere. I can't let it. So yeah. Bye. That's all.
On a second note, it's recess week!!! Woohoo. Got damn freaking a lot of work. More time to do more work. How on earth is that rest, I will never know... But yep, excited for a lot of stuffs. :) Firecue tomz. <3 Chalet on Wed. And movie outing on Thurs!! Happy dappy.
I'm so glad that I'm bringing Joshua out to watch JER. He's been stuck at home all alone for sometime now... Feeling kinda bad for neglecting him. Hope he's not too bored.
Today I realized for once that Joshua's growing up. :X Soon, it wouldn't really be okay for him to sleep in my room anymore. :( Soon he might not want to hug me or hold my hand anymore. :( I don't know.
Right now, I just feel so ??? about everything. Kinda enjoying everything but also very confusing for me.
My TWC group is finally okay. And my OCSP is going well too.
I don't know. Just so busy with everything. 1 Oct was my friend's birthday. 8 Oct is another friend's birthday. And 19 Oct is my other friend's birthday (hi. mustmakeacard. demanding. 0_0)
Anyways. I really need to get back on track and know what I'm here for. I cannot stumble anymore.
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the child
a Child of God. what more is there to say. its the greatest thing one could ever have.
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