fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Monday, September 26,6:23 PM

At one point or another, I find myself to be extremely disillusioned with life.

I mean, all day long I put a smile on my face and bounce around like nothing in the world can put me down. I have a lot of fun and laughter with the people I'm with, being myself and not caring about how the world thinks.

Then sometimes I realize, maybe my friends do judge me for who I am. Always thinking that they do appreciate my presence and who I am, what if they actually think I'm lame or whatever. What if they can't stand my sense of humor. What if they're irritated with me. Ah, sucks. I don't even know why I'm judging them like this. I just feel so disappointed in life sometimes. Why do things turn out like that? It's like life gives you a red carpet to walk on so you're feeling all fly and happy then he just pulls it out from under you. And you're just like, so where does that leave me now? Who am I?

I'm just so frustrated by how life is turning out. Always thought I was quite nice to be around. Always thought I'd never be labelled as the slacker in the group. Always thought I was vocal enough to speak up for my views in class. And in SMU, it hasn't exactly been this way all the time. Okay so maybe I'm picking on small instances. But, somehow I feel a little looked down upon cause of my "lame" sense of humor, and my over-bubbliness and monologuing, sometimes even my "blur-ness". Can I still be who I am? Even if it doesn't reflect well on me, even if people don't like it. This is how I am. I like who I am. But should I change so that I can relate better to people? And actually, even if I want to change, how do I do that? After all, I've been myself all these while and been well-liked for it.

If I'm going into business, need I conform to the 'lets-get-down-to-business' and 'don't give me crap' style, instead of the personality I now assume. ._. I'm reluctant to. I promised myself that I wouldn't conform to what I don't believe in. But now it only makes sense for me to do so as I grow and mature. I can no longer be that frivolous young girl who just wants to please everyone and make everyone happy anymore.

On the other hand, I sense such a strong irony in the previous line. Because I am still doing exactly just that in conforming.

What a contradiction. I need a friend to talk to. Someone who knows just what to say. Someone who is free enough to talk to me. ._. Which is like virtually nobody. What can I disturb to share my feelings with? Who will tell me that I'm just thinking too much and that I am still loved for who I am. Shucks, tearing in the library.

Who else? Who else can do all these but Jesus? Of course. Everything still leads back to Him. I don't know why I keep seeking human companion when I know I have Him. And that He's enough. When will I have the faith to trust Him fully with who I am meant to be.

Sunday, September 25,9:15 PM

The list of things that make me happy. (:

Singing loudly at the top of our voices, not caring if people think we’re weird.
Snuggling up on my parents’ bed with them and my little brother. :D
Curling up on the sofa with a book while it’s raining outside.
The moment you satisfy a food crave.
Buying things at half the price you’re willing to pay.
Being at peace with God and the world. That joy.
Whenever I eat grilled fish. (The cod at Ritz was the best!)
Finding a song that expresses exactly how you feel at that exact moment.
Feeling proud of someone who decided to take life head-on and not give up.
When I hug someone and they hug me back even tighter!!
Walking along the beach barefooted.
Watching people cook!! Omg and getting to have the first taste after they’re done. :D
Backrubs!!!!!! This is the most awesome. It should be at the top of the list. Did you know that giving massages causes the body to release endorphins!
Being able to roll over and go back to sleep. (More proof of being a sloth)
Cuddling.
Talking about ridiculous stuff like babies with braces (Honestly I can’t get over that. THEY HAVE NO TEETH YO. Hahahahah.)
Saying something you think is hilarious and a) everyone laughs b) no one but you laughs and they give you that amused look that makes you start laughing non-stop all over again.
Feeling really pretty and confident.
Making gifts and presents for people! And it turns out really well.
Having deep conversations with your friends about life.
Planning your future/exciting outings with friends
Hearing an old song that you really loved and had forgotten about.
Hot chocolate with marshmellows in an aircon room leaning on someone in anticipation of a movie marathon.
Making a stranger smile.
Doing someone a favour.
When the moon is really full and bright and it just reminds me of us and the astronaut on the moon.
Seeing many stars and identifying Orion :D And pointing its beauty out to ignorant people around me (Hahah kidding.)
Feeling like an important member of my family where my views are taken seriously and my advice is heeded :D
Feeling like the most retarded insane one when I just start rambling about random stuff and making lame puns.
The crazy moment when my entire family starts learning to be insane as well. .__.
Hahahah omg. Whenever my mum tries to make her own joke. Hahahah and its not very funny. But that makes it doubly hilarious.
LOL whenever my mum isn’t trying to make a joke and it turns out to be a damn good one.
My dad acting goofy when I’m upset and mad. My brain is just screaming, No Janice. You’re upset with them and you DO NOT want to laugh at his crazy antics. Ignore ignore ignoreeeee. And your mouth twitches, triggering off hysterical laughter.
Whenever you solve a problem. :D Yes I do love math.
When you make your teacher laugh at your insane remarks.
Sitting at the front of a boat and looking out at the emerald seas, blue skies and flintgrey mountains.
The moment you own everyone at Taiti. :D
Winning your first game of Citadel cause everyone thought you were noob and didn’t see you as a plausible threat. Whooooooohooooo. Hahahahaha.
Hearing someone say they miss you.
Seeing your room neatened up and packed :D
Catching up with old friends and finding, to your relief, that nothing has changed and the feeling is still there.
The feeling of being needed.
Campfires.
Stayovers!
That patch of grass in front of David’s house. Ahahahahaha. I’m sorry but I really want to steal his grass. Hahahahahah.
Looking through old letters which my friends gave, reminding me of the awesome times I’ve had and the relationships I’ve had with people.
Being proud of yourself for who you are and how you behave.
Children.
Having texting marathons about absolutely nothing important and receiving smses even while replying the previous one because you both have too much nonsense to say.
Shopping for groceries :D

Hahahahahah omg okay this was damn fun. Honestly. Shall continue more next time!!!

(Copied from livejournal)

Monday, September 19,1:23 AM

I am a daughter of God. No longer enslaved or under bondage.

Freedom. Hope. Life. He gave them to me. (:

Quiet my chaotic heart, soothe my struggling mind.

Once again, be with me.

12:46 AM

Freaking frustrated. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Wanted to finish so much this week yet finished so little. I feel like just torturing myself and not give myself sleep. Stupid inefficient unfocused Janice.

WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW. WHY DO YOU KEEP SIDETRACKING AND MOVING AROUND. WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE ARTICLES. WHY DO YOU KEEP THINKING ABOUT STUFF THAT ARE IRRELEVANT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. STUPID FOOL.

Shucks. What am I doing to myself. My brain is just feeling so tired and I'm feeling so depressed now. My parents just spent idk how long talking to me about my future and left me feeling aimless and purposeless about life.

Am I useless? What's my forte? What area of business or life will I do well in? So many questions I have no idea what's ahead for me. Money or interest? What IS my interest anyway? What's my passion? Why is it that there is nothing I really actually feel strongly about? What matters to me? How can I be who I'm supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be in this world?

Damn. I need to go back and pray. I need to find my assurance again.

Dear Father, what am I doing to myself? Am I doing right? Am I doing okay? Please assure me and show me your presence in my life. I'm just so filled with doubt right now.

And it's a quarter before one, I'm all alone and I need You now.

Saturday, September 17,9:09 PM

Utter frustration.

I'm not getting anywhere with my work and I've so much of it! Been stuck on Businesslaw the entire day. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sian.

._. I'm just super jumpy and anxious right now. :/ Panicky.

Father, help me. Take away my fear of not being able to perform. Give me the perseverance and the focus to keep my eyes on You while doing my work. I pray for wisdom that I will remember what I've learnt. You said, come to me and I will give you rest. Right now I pray that you will. Fill me with peace to do my work, the quietness that comes from an assurance in you.

Be with me.

12:23 AM

Is it possible to be blessed without feeling arrogant about it? ._.

Thursday, September 15,7:48 PM

Idk what happened there but it was quite a shock. I wonder when will it end. :/ Sigh.

Monday, September 12,9:56 AM

Today thought of something strange.

How come we become closer to people when we're having fun and further and more distant when we're upset/emo-nemo.

But for God it's as if we tend to forget him in good moments but remember him when the first sign of trouble comes our way? :/

That's not very fair. I guess in a sense it may be due to our inability to think of both God and people/friends at the same time. This shows how segregated we are from the faith. We should be talking about God to our friends! Right? With some people I can't help but veer towards testimonies and sharing. But for some it's just a lot of fun.

Today's verse was about fellowship and about proclaiming to people what we have seen and heard that they will be intrigued and come have fellowship again! What's so special about this fellowship is that God is the BAG leader and his Son the co-leader! He is so willing to come down to our level and be with us. You'd think it's amazing for year 4 students to commit 2days/week to train for BS but God who has the whole world is willing to do it all the time!

(: And one thing about our leaders that's similar to our earthly leaders is that they don't just give answers. Most of the time they try to lead us to explore and get our own conclusions. Of course everything will be based on his Word. (:

Perhaps if we try to share more? Perhaps if we try to dig deeper?

Sunday, September 11,7:51 PM

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do?
At this very moment
When I think of you
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

I've tried to fight it, can't deny it
You don't even know that.

Bzzzzz bee. :(

2:00 AM

Just went to revisit my blogpost. Do you remember? ._. What is it like? Wish I could look into people's minds. What are they thinking of? Why do they behave in a certain manner?

These are all reasons I wanted to take psychology but I realized that even then I wouldn't be able to find out.

Everything's changed. So what's left? Who's left?

And what does that mean?

12:19 AM

I close my eyes, I look away.

Saturday, September 10,1:23 AM

She just left Singapore and I'll miss her so much. ): Dear Father, please please take care of her and watch over her! Keep her safe and happy! Stay close, draw near so she'll never lose sight of you. Be there. Thank you God.

Monday, September 5,10:05 AM

Finally some time! Sigh was rushing hw last night cause I was hanging around at church all day! Hahahah.

But yeah yesterday's worship was really great! It didn't start off that way and it was difficult to get response from the kids, the young ones being too young and the older ones being way too rebellious and cool to respond. Hahahah slowly as we approached the last song, Heart of Worship, I heard the children's voices (normally it's just the teachers) and I just felt so moved by the utter sincerity in it. As we sang 'I'm coming back to the heart of worship where it's all about you, its all about you Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it and it's all about you, it's all about you Jesus.' I felt the Spirit stirring in me and tears were prickling my eyes. I remembered that this was my vision for the children ministry. To hear them sing without being ashamed. To see them raise their hands without being prompted. It was just awesome. :D And guess what, Heart of Worship was a song children ministry has never done before!! Hahaha so I think the response itself was super encouraging. (: Heheheh.

Thank you God for such an opportunity! :D

Oh and also when I popped down to see my CG, they were sharing on relationships. One thing Aunty Carol said that really struck me was that fear and love cannot both be in a relationship. With one, the other is destroyed. And if this happens to us, it is right for us to be brave and let go. We shouldn't hold on, or emotionally blackmail each other but instead to honor each other by keeping the issue to ourselves.

Yups. Going to reach already. Pray for a good day! :D

Sunday, September 4,1:25 AM

Wow! School's just been rush rush rush! Hahaha so many activities ad events going on!! I kinda like the feeling of having something on cause I feel like I'm getting stuff done but I hate it when I can't meet my friends! I mean sure I'll meet new people during those meetings and stuff but I miss cedar people and like Acsi peeps!

Hahaha went out with 4C that day and had a hell lot of fun!! It was awesome and I was just being crazy high the entire night ahahaha. I loved the dinner at Asian kitchen. Xlb and noodle soup and beef fried rice and all the food <3! And the company was awesome! Loved the catchup. Hahahah and we realized we're super zhaocaimao cause every shop we enter ends up having a huge crowd. Super cool luh. Anyways went to some ice cream shop to photobooth hahaha. Super funny okay. The insaneness of the poses and the effects which ended up not working on me so I did all the faces by myself HAHAHA. the video omg retarded. HAHA SO FUN THOUGH! <3 the 4C peeps. Always feel like myself when I'm with them! (:

Went out with Yuen recently as well! She's gna fly off soon. ): But anyways we had a lot of fun annoying each other and laughing at each other haha. Shucks I'll miss her and her egoness so much haha. I'll miss auntying with her at supermarkets and camwhoring with local produce. By the way cold storage is officially my fav supermarket. Love their catchphrases and slogans - and their marketing director. Damn funny.

Hahaha tried out dragonboating too!! Shucks shoulder and back were damn ache after that. Arms were okay though. Hahaah but so fun!!! :D Loved the poking each other during the boating hahaha. Wah the guys ah, last warning honestly. HAHA. but our group won the DB competition. We damn fast can. (:

Tried out aikido the recent Thurs. Shucks. Stomach damn pain. Hahaha long time never stretch then had to be leg raises and pushups on our wrists- inwards and outwards. Super painful can. And learnt to throw people woohoo!!! Hahaahahah. So fun :D The shifu damn funny too. He like super peaceful and harmonious. Eerythi g he also give that Gautama smile. LOLOL. which reminds me of the receptionist we saw during our Bali trip!! Hahaahah. We nicknamed him Gautama hahaha. Damn cute.

One last major thing: I got into Project CherisHope!!! :D Yay damn happy can. Hahaha going to take care of orphans! And I loved the group vibe when I went for the info session! Like everyone was so excited and enthu and happy :D Mr likey this sort of group dynamics. It's gna be fun!!

Oh but that means I can't go watch wicked with my Acsi buddies cause I'll be gone from 5th to 19th sept. Roar.

Ah but really so thankful for everything that has come my way. All the friends I've made and all the choices I've made. :D Thank you God really.

As for CM worship tmr please guide me and lead me along as I bring the children before you in thanksgiving and rededicating themselves to living FOR YOU. Help me to live out that life as well.

Thank you.

Oh and thanks also for the chance with my friend ohdarn I forgot her name. I pray you'll work in her and help her find meaning in you and a hope in your message. That life is so much more than just 'following customs'. Open her eyes to see, her ears to hear and her heart to receive you. (:

Such a wonderful thing to be a child of God!!