Have you ever felt it?

That feeling of sheer happiness. Pure contentment and joy as you think about your life so far.

So I was bored and went to meddle with my Facebook profile. Then I ended up scrolling through all my photos. Seremban, Cedar, ACSI, Choir. How all these people just mean so much to me. How much joy and laughter they've brought into my life. And I just thank God for such wonderful friends. All the times we've shared. All the stupid things we've done.

When I look back on my life, I feel that my life is so perfect. And I just can't help but (for lack of a better word), stone. Hahahahahah. Omg my vocab. But still. Just. Sitting here. Smiling to myself and feeling like the luckiest girl on Earth.

In fact I feel so happy I don't know what to do with myself. Hahahahahah. Then I wonder why. I mean, I must've done something right. Well of course, it might have something to do with my perfectness and how awesome I am. Did I mention mephobia? The fear of being too damn awesome that the human race can't handle it and dies. Well yes. Hahahahah okay sorry. I'm kidding.

But yeah, I really must've been a really good duck in my past life. Maybe I was an easy egg to hatch. Maybe I was an easy duckling for Mama Duck to take care of. Maybe I was an obedient fowl who didn't so much as squawk when they took the knife to my head. Maybe I was a really tasty duck. I really don't know!! Okay ohshit. Sorry. Too high.

But yeah. I'm really really super grateful for all the blessings in my life. For my parents who taught me how to love. For my family who is always there for me. For my siblings who never fail to cheer me up, despite being annoying and irritating all the time. For being brought up in a Christian family where praying and reading the Bible is a good thing. For being immersed in God-centred environments since young. For giving me the drive to know God on a deeper level. For blessing me with great teachers who taught me well, beyond academics but people devoted to teaching the lessons of life. For my friends who have never backstabbed me before, who have always been able to make me smile. For such a good life, with more than sufficient material wealth. For all the food in my house. For the joy I feel whenever I do something nice for others. And honestly, I'm not even going down into the details.

And I'm just stunned. Oh yeah, and for allowing me to taste the best Hokkien Mee everrrrrrrrr. Gosh. I really feel very very honoured.

Sometimes I feel like it just can't get better than this. And I feel like running around on the streets hugging people and doing nice things to bless them too.

Thank you though. Thank you Father. :) I just. I don't know how I can thank you enough.

Okay so I was thinking about something today.

Hahahahaha kidding. It was just another day of swooning at the awesome flawless voices of the entire Glee Cast. Hahahaha then something struck me as I was at the Clementi temporary Bus Terminal. Something that had never occurred to me before.

I need to marry someone who loves to sing!

LOLOLOLOLOL. Utter randomness, to you maybe. But it was like .__. Omg!! I can't believe I've never added that to a very long list of attributes my perfect husband needs to have (Hahahah, okay I lie. I have no such list.) Anyways, yeah.

Hahahaha but quite funny. It was just one of those moments.

In any case. That trait shall be second on my list. Hahahahahahaha. The first of course is someone who loves God and able to connect with me spiritually. Alrighty. It was an interesting day. (:

Okay so I've been pretty insane. Hahahah cycled for like 4 hours. Quite cool though!!! Hehehehe sense of achievement when I reached. :) I love my iPhoneeeeee.

Dear Enophi,
Thank you for being there for me when no one else was. Thank you for showing me the way when I got lost. Thank you for singing along with me, to all my favourite songs. Thank you so much for everything. I'm so sorry that I dropped you, I hope you're alright. Just needed you to know that I love you very much. Would you marry me? Ahahahah omg kidding! I'm supposed to be married to Alan now. He'll kill me.

Hahahaha okay sorry for the nonsense. After clasping the handles for so long, my hands are aching. Like literally. Makes me feel really worried about tomorrow morning. It's just like really really stiff now sigh. Oh well!!

Anyway today was cool.

But I think something happened. I'm not sure what I should do. It's really not my place to interfere but I'm hoping it'll be alright soon. I suspected it. Does what I see today confirm it though? Okay I don't know. I just hope they're alright. :/

I don't feel like blogging about my dreams anymore. Can barely remember them.

Wanted to say more. But I don't know how much I can say. Ahhh sian. So lets just end off with a prayer.

Dear Father, thank you so much for your blessings today. Thank you for the beautiful weather and that you protected me. When I felt a little heat exhaustion coming up, you got me well and gave me strength to keep going. Thank you for the peace I felt, the joy when we were at the beach. Thank you for magical moments like that. When I'm content with the world and I feel so comfortable where I am. :) I feel so blessed. Thank you for all the memories I've had. With all my friends. Thank you for them. Thank you for the part they play in brightening up my life. I just pray for them that they'll be able to patch up whatever issue they have and be happy. I know that what I know is so limited and I can't see what's going on but you can. And I just pray that you'll watch over their friendship. Keep it strong and keep it going. Just like before, I wna pray for reconciliation too. Thank you for you and that we can bring everything before you in prayer. :) Thank you for your grace and mercy upon our lives. :D I love you Daddy!

Oh okay so it's been a while now.

It's been pretty strange the past week. Feeling a lot better and a lot more content with my life.

Gone out a few times to meet up with friends and had a good time. Oh oh omg, I went to Marche's with my BAG for the first time. Omgggg, I love the crepes honestly. The rosti was kinda good, I love potato. Hahahahah serious. I'm like crazed about it. Anyways, I tried sour cream and .__. who knew it tasted like that. So different from the sour cream and onion Pringles I sometimes nom. But anyway it was really fun. Catching up and that little activity we had. Passing around papers with our names on it. Every had to write a comment on it about you. Hahahaha. Pretty funny stuff went around. LOLOLOLOL. So fun. Our BAGs really a lot more united and close now. So happy and so proud to be with this group. So blessed to have Uncle Henry and Aunty Carol and the rest leading us as well. :) They're right y'know. If we all gave our all in seeking God, we'd do great things for Him. :)

Anyways, Marche is officially dubbed the Celebratory Dining Place. I shall demand my family to bring me there on my birthday. Or like National Day. Or tomorrow. Okay hahahah nevermind.

Another highlight was probably spending the day at Zoey's. Such a dear dear friend. It's been 7 years. Okay I really honestly wanted to make a present for her but I got lazy. Crap. So much being a best friend, gah. Hahahahah I just didn't have the mood. (And I really need it to make sth creative e.g. Agam, David's presents) Okaaaaaaay SO I TASTED THE BEST HOKKIEN MEE IN MY LIFE AND RIGHT NOW SO TEMPTED TO CAB OVER TO EAT IT. HAHAHAHAHA. I shall go tomorrow or something. I don't know why. Tomorrow shall be impulse day. Shall attempt cycling to ECP I think. I hope I don't die or crash or something. Seriously. I'll take the safest routes possible and pray I'll be safe. Okay and we just hung around the entire day chatting and laughing at each other and catching up. Some things though, I wanted to share but maybe not the right time. Oh wells. But I realized with old friends, the good thing was that you really don't mind the silence. I mean its just comfortable and nice and snug. Hahahaha. So was her bed but nevermind. I nearly fell asleep. Okay so I did. Sue me. But it was awesomeeeee. Did I mention I ate my first bowl of carrot porridge along with six fishcakes and half a tub of ice cream. Pfft. Zoey and Dwi are honestly just taking the opportunity to stuff me, just like they did in secondary school. I really really don't eat that much now!!! So much for that. They'll never believe me now. But it was great. Thanks Zoey dear!!! :)

Hahahaha so my life's been pretty good. And did I mention that my tuition boy got 3rd in class for Math woohooooooo. Improved yo. Oh but er, my girl failed her Science. Nevermind, we shall practice more!! So proud of them though. The most obedient and teachable children I've ever met - apart from Joshua. Oh yes, need to get down to tutoring him soon. Hahahah, his Chinese ah! Pfft.

Oh yeah. Been having dreams. Quite a few of them. Strange ones involving random friends. Hahahaha. Shall blog about it next time. I have strange dreams.

Thank you anyways for such a great week. And all the fun that I've had. Thank you for all that you're doing and I know you're in control of my whole life. And just wanna entrust the whole university thing into your hands once again. No matter what I choose, I pray that you'll be able to use me and strengthen me in my walk with you. Thank you Father for everything and all the little pleasures you've given me. Thank you for your love.

It's just so upsetting sometimes.

So I had an absolutely great time at David's stayover and the Rollerblading outing later on. But after that, I kinda crashed. Both physically and emotionally. I just felt so uncomfortable with my life.

I guess I was feeling nostalgic because East Coast Park was the place that held the most memories for me. During my Cedar days when we'd just hang around and play around in the sand. Standing in the water, soaking our feet and just chilling out. We'd be crazy and high and sing songs, doing anything we wanted. Today I let myself go, maybe cause Mervyn was there to high with me and Xintian was there so I was really happy. I went crazy. The three of us were just singing and laughing hahaha and it was so much like the past again. I hadn't felt so happy in such a long time, so carefree. (: I remember we were singing Fearless and we happened to walk past a carpark so I grabbed Xintian's hands and did a crazy jumpy dance while singing 'And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot.' Hahahah. I love being with my friends. It felt really wonderful.

Okay then I think I really crashed and died. Damn tired. Oh yeah I was highing during lunch too. Hahahaha, talking all my nonsense and felt so much like myself again. I don't know how or why I was so much like myself today. It's been so long.

This was when I started feeling sad. Cause I didn't know which friends I could be this high around. And I didn't know what this meant. I was always able to open up to Xintian and enjoy my time with her a lot even though we don't have that much time together and haven't really chatted that much. With Mervyn, it was also alright cause he's really understanding and I just felt like I could be blatantly honest without worrying about being judged. I'm just really thankful for these two.

But I just felt sad. I don't know. I guess I was focussing on the wrong stuff cause now I'm just really happy that I have these two. Hahahaha. Omg I wanted to blog about how sad I was about friendship.

Ah yes but anyway. I don't know if Xintian will stick to me since she really doesn't talk to us much. And roar, I just feel like I have no friends to turn to sometimes. Like there's no one I know that really cares for me. I don't know why I feel like this. I just don't feel the emotional connectedness, the depth of the friendship and I feel really uneasy about my friendships.

Like Zoey said, I don't want to choose the wrong people as my inner circle because it would hurt a lot if they just walked away after all the effort you put in. And yeah, that really hurts. I felt that before. I just don't know who I can trust.

I just want a group of friends who'd rely on each other's support to overcome the challenges of life. I feel very confused. I need to sort out my messy thoughts. And right now I just really need my friends.

Okay actually I don't know what I want. I just need to pray. Maybe a more intimate relationship with God is what I crave.

Dear God, I'm just really unsatisfied with the state of my relationships with others right now. I pray for a group of Christian friends, friends who will come alongside me in life and together we'll face the problems of the world with the power of prayer. I pray that you'll give us hope in the bleakness and superficiality of people. Most of all, I pray that you give me love, make me abounding in love as I struggle to salvage friendships that I once let go of. Oh and also may you reveal to me which friends are here out of a true heart of love and concern, out of a similar yearning for such a support group. Help me to keep persevering and trusting.

And I just want to remember everything you've blessed me with. Which is so much so much. Forgive me for my discontentment ^ Help me to recognize your hand in every step of my life. The favors which you have bestowed upon me. Oh yes. I wanted to list out what I'm thankful for and how they make me smile so much. But gosh, its so late. Tomorrow perhaps!!!

One final thing. Thank you Father for always turning my sorrow into rejoicing. Only You can do that and I recognize Your presence stirring in my spirits. The peace and the calm once again. Hahahahahah. You are amazing.

Trachelizo. The best way to rant/confide in a friend who understands and relates.

Xiexieni!!

Note to self: You are hilarious. And absurdly moodswingey.

Okay so this is it. I'm actually quite happy that I'm not that affected by it.

I guess He has really just been preparing me for this, all the encouragements of He always being there for me. As I shared in my BAG, I'm really really very thankful that He has brought me this far. And doing well for my interview and not screwing it up. I'm just totally grateful for that.

Ah!! Something just struck me! Hahahah last week we were on this verse about rejoicing all the time. And it's just amazing that I really am rejoicing in a sense that I'm smiling as I typed out the above paragraph, a testimony of His goodness to me. Really.

I saw a verse just now. Bring them all back to me. That's what He said in Matthew 16? Or was it 18. Anyways, I knew that the only thing I could do now was to bring myself back to Him. To trust Him all over again.

Tomorrow is my SMU Business interview and just see how it goes. :)

Sometimes it just gets really difficult. When you're struck by the hugeness of issues in your life. When you realize, 'oh crap. my decision is going to decide my life in the next 50 years'. It just scares us. It makes us afraid of the unknown. It makes us afraid of losing out. It makes us afraid of making mistakes.

But it is at this moment that we need to recognize the fact that there's something bigger, someone with more authority over our lives than we ourselves. All we need to do is to submit to Him.

God.

It seems that whenever I'm struggling, whenever I feel like I'm floundering and drowning in my own panic, He just sends an encouraging word. Matthew 6:30. He brought to my mind, the sparrows of the field, the grass swaying in the breeze. If that is how He clothes them (with such breathtaking beauty), them which are here today and burnt tomorrow, how much more will He also clothe us. The verse ended with 'O you of little faith.'

I'm just struck by the parallel of how this phrase was used while referring to Peter. This was my passage of the year (Matt 14). This was what I reflected on during Telunas spiritual retreat. Peter was walking on water. It was an amazing sight. He had faith in Jesus and heeded His command to 'Come'. But he saw that the wind was boisterous and he was afraid. As he was beginning to sink, he cried out, saying 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, saying, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'

He was distracted. By the Boisterous wind. Hahahah I still remember the pun I made. About me being distracted by boys, stress and win (being better than others?) so boystresswin (boisterous wind). And just reading that verse, that phrase reminded me again of my small faith. Being so shaky in my faith.

He said, Seek first My Kingdom and My Righteousness and all these things you desire shall be given to you. I need to seek God's face, I need to follow His will.

So dear God, as I come before you today. I know I have once again been distracted by those boisterous winds, and I just commit myself and my decisions into Your mighty hands. I miss that confidence that came with fully trusting You. Thank you for giving me another chance. I know that I was distracted again during the period after my interviews. Please forgive me for my selfishness, for only running back when I need Your protection. I don't want to be a fair-weather Christian. I want to trust you all my life and help me to do that in every facet of my life. There is so much more I can have with you. I want to reconnect. Please, Father. It's so difficult sometimes and we make wrong decisions. Help us, help me to seek You with all my heart. I ask for faith, for it is a gift by you. I ask for perseverance, for I don't want to lose focus on you. I ask for the companionship of the Holy Spirit as I endeavor to walk close to you. I pray that I will be sensitive to the prompting of the Spirit that I may be close to you all the days of my life and not just today, tonight or even this week. I want a life-long relationship. With you, Abba Father.

I love you. Thank you for your compassion on me.