fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Monday, February 12,7:28 PM

DONT REMIND ME.

i wish today never came. how i wish that it never happened. it just happened to quickly. i just didnt catch it. everything, the hints dropped to me. i know im not supposed to say this but, SHIT. i hate today. IT IS SO LOUSY.

sorry, weiting, sorry, joy. i was so moody today. HAHA. it's true i am a reflective person and i just cant help but reflect where i went wrong. why i always kanna stage fright, esp. if im the main character.

i'm sorry, 3C. i let you down. i'm sorry. i am so confused. i dont know what just happened all i know is that i feel suicidal (?), no lar... sad.
so disappointed, very. the rehearsals were ok, practices were ok. but at the real thing my mind just went blank. i could read the disappointment. yeah, you may say its ok, not that bad. but i know its not. for today, i hate myself.

i just totally screwed up and i can do is say sorry. i just feeling like crying but yet i cant. just cant let go. keep thinking about it. oh crap.
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i am going crazy. i have so much mixed emotions i just think i gonna burst. disappointment, sadness, its all so near to me as before again. take it away GOD take this burden from me.

HAH. one day of crying is ok, two days not so bad, three days you better stop. i hoping i do. oh and i realised something. i have started crying alr. HAHA. finally, but i'm not feeling any better. well, at least there's another topic to reflect about. why do people feel better when they cry? why do they feel better after they tell someone about it? is it just because you know someone knows and cares for you. or what. cos now, i just wished no one knew. NO ONE. in fact, i wished it never happened.

i wonder if i'll return the JANICE that really loves GOD and puts her faith in Him, or will i just be the JANICE that just soaks in the whole pool of swirling darkness, my thoughts. which will i be. both sides are strong but which will be triumphant. i know i shouldnt be like this. no one ever should be. i am just contradicting myself. but i dont understand why i feel this way.

i just feel that i let down my class... sorry, AVERY, sorry, INSTRUCTORS, sorry, 3C. please dont remind me of it. stop reminding me alr. stop asking if i m ok. stop asking me. just stop. or i may just start crying. HAHA. how strong i am is clearly demonstrated. HAH. stupid me. and im posting it so that everyone knows how weak i am.

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all my self-confidence. vanished like mist. escaped just as breath escapes from my mouth every second. shit. shit. -censored for little children pls- i am sad... so disappointed like my whole day just crashed down on me and the pieces of my life on my back. i DRAGGED myself home literally. i was tearing on the bus. i hope no one saw. my pathetic sight.

AHHHHHHHH. i am going mad. i feel pissed. no wait, i dont. i feel... -after 30 sec- CONFUSED. very... weird things are happening.. why did you tell me that. i dont wanna know. now, i dont dare go to school liao. forget it. I HATE JALAN TOA PAYOH. ): stupid stupid. i am so confused. PRAYING? maybe i heard wrongly. i dont know but i feel confused. why is this world so warped.
now JOY thinks i thinks she is --- just bcos i did JOY + ---. omgoodness. cant + just be relationship btw teachers/ friends? why? now everyone thinks i am warped. sigh.
while my mind is swirling full of their diappointed faces, hugs and encouragements after auditions, the weird jalan toa payoh guy, i shall TRY to be happy.

thank you, mummy for saying that it was ok to wang ci. HAHA. but at the same time, i smashed everyone's hope of getting in to campfire. that's why.

i know i seem very different. HAH. perhaps falling into D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. ;p no la... crazy ah. -weird little birds flies round your ear (get it?)-

ah, whatever. i feel confused so confused. how i wish today never came.

i learnt i very devastating truth. to those who know that i dont want to be in EXCO next year. SHIT la. JOY said that i have no power over whether i will be in EXCO. but idont wanna be.. just take me away. take me far far away.

ah crap. my left and right side of the brain is arguing. my left side says just dao everyone and not be enthu no longer and take mrt to school or take bus to boonkeng and change. that's obiously the devil
but my right says that its ok. these things do happen. just continue to TRUST in GOD and believe that He will oneday stop your stage fright just as He cured your homesickness. anw, its not your first time maluing yourself alr and it was ok the last time. HAHA.
which side is right? right la... but is it really as easy as it sounds. i shall try to rmb that
Nothing is impossible without GOD and i can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.
SHIT. its been such a long time. why cant i get rid of my fear of the LEEs. shit la... panick la. panick la.

i knew it would happen.

oh man. I LOVE YAN RUI. she's so nice, telling me that its ok. oh man. the tears are flowing again. like -.- become T.T sigh.

i was liek on the bus tearing and i heard the news reporting about bad weather they were like, "this month's rainfall is the heaviest and rain heavily. they were thinking about building dont know what dam la... then then dam will stop the rain from flooding -dont know what la-.' then i was like thinking. yeah, that's how i feel. how to construct a dam on my eyes (?) so that i will stop. T.T
aargh. must be HAPPY rmb, JANICE? forget about it; about everything.

i was telling myself how much campfire rocks but now, when ever i hear the word, i just feel like dying. aargh. not dying la... but just like i feel like forgetting it.

HAHA. thanks TAY #1 too. (: its ok. i'll be fine after a while. just stop talking to me about it. but how to go school tmr. its ok. i'll be strong. (: YAY.

i LOVE everyone. i love 3c. sorry, 3c. sigh, JANICE, stop thinking about it.

ok whatever. (: YAY. i rock -with a huge qn mark- aargh.

i hate it. i hate it. stop thinking about it. i shall stop wallowing in self-pity. ;p

HAHA. i love myself. oh sure i do.

i ahve so much homework to do. -.-

blah blah blah. i wish i could just tell you everything. but would you really care? or would it just be purely curiousity. HAH. i doubt. ah crap. whatever la..

i shall be zi-high. you know why, there's no such word as zi-LOW, cos we can only zi-HIGH! (:

grah! monster bite you. bleahs. -.-
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i wonder if im really ok. hmm, let me think. i still love banditto ohwells. that means im ok. i still love my family. I STILL LOVE GOD. (:

I AM OK!

just dont remind me of it.

HAHA. GOHWEITING AND JOY! you still have to spend tmr with me! maybe i'll be fine by then. i really think they rock. YAY, i love mummy. (: she keeps thinking i am so sarcastic today when i complimented her on herhair and handwriting. (: i know she cant read this but i think she rock! (:

AH YO. i feel like i faking my happiness can?! HAIYO HAIYO. i am a huge faker that cant fake. -.- bleah. HAHA.

haiyo. i so no mood for valentines' day can. all the arguments and quarrels in the goong family. my dear father* still doesnt know that he fathered me. haiyo. siao ah. -.- grah grah grah.

how i wish it didnt matter so much. how i wish we didn't hope so much. how i wish i didnt screw up. there's just too many things i wish for. so now, i just PRAY (not prey) that GOD will restore my peace and faith again. my happiness and joy. everything good about me.

HAHA. i did feel better for awhile but after they left i started thinking about it. on the bus, walking home. everything. i just couldnt. just couldnt. couldnt forget it. ):