stresssed.
hi.
past weeks were tiring weeks. we had so many tests. and got back alot of test results. i feel very very very super-duper extremely disappointed with myself. i cant believe how much i got for all my tests. i cant believe i failed my chinese.
why? why cant i ever get good grades like xy. why cant i have any talents. i feel so useless.
i am just so tired of being so lousy. shd i carry on taking higher chinese? i feel sick. why is everyone leaving for IP, even my best friend. why?!! i am just so afraid and unstable. i may seem indifferent and happy. but i am just trying. trying to understand. how come the world is like this. everyone always have to leave. i hate the IP programme. why must xy leave? my CCA is just great esp if everyone cooperates and helps wholeheartedly. xy, why must you leave? i feel like everyone is leaving me and i'm being left behind. or maybe i feel like i am forced to leave all of you. if i ever leave, i am sorry. just wanna let ya'll know you've made a difference in my life.
i wish life wasnt like this. why must everyone leave? why must it be this way? can you all be glad and stay in CEDAR? rmb the first cheer we learnt? C-E-D-A-R Cedar thats what we are. now everyone wanna leave. they get into IP and they say "YES!" and starts boasting. i hate it.
why do ppl in our club have AP? its so idiotic. why are they all so heck care. you know why our club is like this? its bcos of ppl like them. always heck care. CCA is to help you cultivate an interest in smtg and you all dont even bother to lift a finger. why? i wanna leave Cedar too. but it seems like its the same everywhere.
I hate this cruel world where we are struggling to survive. cant we just help each other out and be happy instead of trying to just to please YOURSELVES. it is a selfish and bitter world. i wanna go heaven. we tried so hard but it seem to make no difference at all. people took a glance laughed and walk away. stop it! why do you think we went to so much trouble to all these. just to make you stop thinking of CMC as a dumping ground. this is no dumping ground. just bcos other CCAs dont want you. dont come to ours. ours rock kae..
sigh. i wasnt like this last term. only this term. i try to be happy but its no difference. everyone is just trying to survive and i have no right to stop it.
I HEREBY OPENLY DECLARE THAT I HATE SATAN FOR PUTTING EVIL INTO OUR HEARTS AND MINDS. it is DISGUSTING.
i am so discouraged.
i hate this earthly world.
why?! why must we sin?
why is it so hard to abstain from sinning?
why do i have the EVIL survival instinct in me to hurt everyone i love?
why do i always feel a sense of doubt?
why do i keep feeling someone is going to betray me and hurt me?
why do i feel so wrapped up?
i wanna show GOD's love to everyone around me!
the church camp was very refreshing and put in my heart a calling for God. i must spread his word.
My prayer for today:
Dear Lord,
i thank you for putting this seed in me that i may grow spiritually.
i pray that you will replenish my energy to spread your word.
i pray that you may evangelise to my friend through me.
i pray that i will not fall to temptation.
i pray that i will not be childish but fully matured in my actions and thinking but yet be innocent from the earthly and dirty world around me.
i pray for my friends and all my relatives and loved ones. pls show yourself in their lives.
pls pls.
thank you for putting into my heart a CONSUMING FIRE.
i thank you that you are my GOD on high, the King of all kings and the Lord above all others.
thank you for my life, and my family.
thank you for letting me live in this wonderful family. and WONDERFUL parents. i am sorry for arguing and fighting with you.
i pray that you may put in me the 9 fruits of the holy spirit.
thank you for your mercy and your love. thank you for allowing me to see the world in your awesome wonders.
i need NO miracles cos everyday is a living miracle itself.
you are truly MY almighty GOD. i offer myself to you.
AMEN.
i am sorry for being so blue today. just that i looked at my messy life the past few years wthout God. and it is very messy.
it is like a garden without a gardener. sheep without a sheperd.
in any case i am truly happy now. THANK GOD! (: