fairytale/

Fairytale, really?
but it was never meant to be a fairytale. life's not perfect, life has its ups and its downs. what we have is more than a perfect story. we have a lifestory.

in life there's sure to be sorrow and disappointments. but its the darkness that makes the moon and stars shine brighter. and we know that through it all, we can trust that God's there for us. lighting up our life paths even at its darkest hours. bringing us unfathomable joy.
because He himself is Hope.

so here, trachelizo (v):
Laid bare and exposed.
each chapter, each episode recording genuine feelings and thoughts as a Child of God goes through the rollercoaster of life. and how the Grace of God still leaves her amazed and humbled, each time.

soaking prayer worship music

Monday, September 26,6:23 PM

At one point or another, I find myself to be extremely disillusioned with life.

I mean, all day long I put a smile on my face and bounce around like nothing in the world can put me down. I have a lot of fun and laughter with the people I'm with, being myself and not caring about how the world thinks.

Then sometimes I realize, maybe my friends do judge me for who I am. Always thinking that they do appreciate my presence and who I am, what if they actually think I'm lame or whatever. What if they can't stand my sense of humor. What if they're irritated with me. Ah, sucks. I don't even know why I'm judging them like this. I just feel so disappointed in life sometimes. Why do things turn out like that? It's like life gives you a red carpet to walk on so you're feeling all fly and happy then he just pulls it out from under you. And you're just like, so where does that leave me now? Who am I?

I'm just so frustrated by how life is turning out. Always thought I was quite nice to be around. Always thought I'd never be labelled as the slacker in the group. Always thought I was vocal enough to speak up for my views in class. And in SMU, it hasn't exactly been this way all the time. Okay so maybe I'm picking on small instances. But, somehow I feel a little looked down upon cause of my "lame" sense of humor, and my over-bubbliness and monologuing, sometimes even my "blur-ness". Can I still be who I am? Even if it doesn't reflect well on me, even if people don't like it. This is how I am. I like who I am. But should I change so that I can relate better to people? And actually, even if I want to change, how do I do that? After all, I've been myself all these while and been well-liked for it.

If I'm going into business, need I conform to the 'lets-get-down-to-business' and 'don't give me crap' style, instead of the personality I now assume. ._. I'm reluctant to. I promised myself that I wouldn't conform to what I don't believe in. But now it only makes sense for me to do so as I grow and mature. I can no longer be that frivolous young girl who just wants to please everyone and make everyone happy anymore.

On the other hand, I sense such a strong irony in the previous line. Because I am still doing exactly just that in conforming.

What a contradiction. I need a friend to talk to. Someone who knows just what to say. Someone who is free enough to talk to me. ._. Which is like virtually nobody. What can I disturb to share my feelings with? Who will tell me that I'm just thinking too much and that I am still loved for who I am. Shucks, tearing in the library.

Who else? Who else can do all these but Jesus? Of course. Everything still leads back to Him. I don't know why I keep seeking human companion when I know I have Him. And that He's enough. When will I have the faith to trust Him fully with who I am meant to be.